A Silent Goodbye

I am controlled by the devil inside.

No matter how hard I fight for freedom

I find each exit traced with cyanide,

Leaving ev'ry part of my being numb.

I sit here and watch my tragic defeat;

My pathetic corpse just wasting away

As each and every aching heartbeat

Fades into oblivion. I fall prey

To thoughts of hope, insignificant now

As I wearily rise to walk the road

Leading to my death. I make a silent vow,

Marrying myself to my story's ode;

I leave a legacy as I lay here,

Six feet underneath where it all began,

In this grave I dug for myself in fear

Of the sands ticking time from my lifespan.

As once I fought in valor to escape

This prison my mind has transformed into,

I fight now only to remain awake.

My eyes grow cumbersome, shrouding the view

Of the rotting confines that surround me.

I breathe in mold from the crumbling dirt

As the first shovelfuls cascade debris

On me. I no longer try to divert

My attention from the brown, stinging earth

Clouding my judgement and clouding my mind.

I crack; laughing in hysterical mirth

As I think of the past I've left behind.

Great moments leave a wet, sparkling line

Down my ashen cheek. A silent goodbye

Escapes from my parched throat; What once was mine

Slips away as my sea of life runs dry.

Reviews

[Gary H]

This is a very mature poem. Really like the way you have structured the stanzas and used alliteration where needed to increase the power of the poem ('I leave a legacy as I lay here') The less obvious rhymes have a greater impact such as me and debris although I'm not sure if you need to use so many as the poem keeps the reader interested with the images that you create. Have you thought of moving the last stanza to the beginning? This gives an introduction and would leave the last line 'As I think of the past I've left behind.' I think you have captured the darkness well and is the mark of great potential in your writing if you can move into different personas, keeping a smile on your face as you deal with potential conflicts of emotion.

[Courtney]

Thank you so much! It means a lot to receive criticism. This definitely gave me a lot to think about, and I will definitely take it all to heart. You have really made me aware of the different things that I have been doing, and what I can do with my writing. So thank you so much for reading and taking the time to review, especially!

[Willowbabyz]

This is amazingly written. It is very dramatic and emotional. I hope to write as good as you someday! I loved it!

[Courtney]

Wow thank you so much! That truly means a lot to hear. I'm barely older than you, getting better will come easily, I feel like I do everyday anyway! Anyway, thanks for reading an reviewing :)

[Chris]

Might I suggest leave off the disclaimers at the top... it lessens the emotional impact. Fairly dramatic but well stated.

[Courtney]

I know, the disclaimer sort of takes away from it.. But my boyfriend tends to worry, as he reads everything I post.. So I do what I can with what I have! Thanks for reading x