Road to desperation

The very first day of school , there was no drama. No girls spreading rumors, or anything like that. Everyone was nice to each other and no one was holding any grudges. Into the week, life was taking it’s course and everyone formed into their groups. Banning people from ‘their’ lunch table and running up to each other right after they had just sworn they wouldn’t tell that person something. I don’t know why girls ever trusted each other with their secrets. People did that to me a lot. Exposed my life little by little. So I stopped talking about it. Looking back, I have no clue why I let people push me around so much. I forgave too quickly and was betrayed too often. I would let my boyfriend lie to me over and over but get away with it because I was afraid of losing people in my life. I didn’t want things to go from what seemed to be perfect back to terrible. Everyone would kick me down, and help me back up, just to kick me down again. I didn’t know why they did it. I didn’t know why I was the easy target. I guess because I let it happen. It was a cycle. Ive always been one of to let people walk all over me, I never put up a fight. I always just surrendered. Let them win. I didn’t want to get wounded in the process so I avoided it. But I ended up hurt anyways. I couldn’t win. I was creating more and more guilt up inside of me. Letting everyone get to me, yet hating myself for letting them run my life for me, and not doing anything about it. I felt like I was breaking. Withering away to nothing. I was constantly feeling jaded. The only person I really trusted was my boyfriend thought everyone was making up lies about him or of him because they were jealous of me. Jealous of what I had with him. My “fairytale”. “They’re jealous, they’re jealous.”, I kept telling myself. “ They’ve always been jealous..”  it had seemed so real, what I had with him. I know I was in seventh grade and it’s a ridiculous thought but it just felt so right. Someone who just wanted to be with me and who cared about me. So I gave him everything. Everything in my will. I did everything he asked of me. I was his.. “b***h” it seemed. The worst part was that everybody saw it but me. Everyone knew I would get hurt, but I never wanted to believe it. I had convinced myself he was the “one” I was so sure that I would get my happy ending. Everyone thinks that way at one point I believe.
He started texting me drunk. It would occur every so often when he and his friends were just being stupid, but then it would happen everynight. His name would pop up on my screen and I would just cry. I thought he was going to get hurt. I should’ve been worrying about what he was telling me the whole time he was intoxicated. He would go on and on about how he was cheating and lying to me.. most would take this as a hint. Growing up with 2 drunk aunts in my family though, I had learned that most people just said stupid s**t when they were messed up. One of them tried to hurt me, nearly kill me with a knife when she was under the influence during my stay with her. I thought everyone lied to get attention when things were going on. I should’ve paid attention to the things he said. I would cry every night. Be so upset with him and upset with myself that I didn’t make him want to be better. Want to be sober. Your girlfriend was supposed to be your main priority, right? That’s how it always went in the movies and the books. He was supposed to love me with everything he had and want to be a better man. Was I not good enough? Was I nothing to him? Did I not effect him at all? It was all I worried about, because the cheating he was describing had to be a lie.. he would never do that to me. He was kidding.. well let me tell you a life lesson I learned from this boy; expect the unexpected.