What have I done?

What have I done? 

It has begun - 

My inner downwards spiral. 

I have trapped myself inside your lies, 

Now as the feelings flood - 

It’s dire. 

How much longer can I take this? 

How much farther can I go?

How much longer can I fake this smile? 

I don’t have long now, this I know. 

I thought I needed you in my life,

I thought maybe you had changed. 

I thought that hearing “I love you”,

Would take away the pain. 

But things are getting worse for me, the more that I help you. 

You ask for me to guide you, to share the things I know.

I thought I could be your confidant,

Your sorrows I could stow. 

But this feeling haunting in my brain,

This hurt inside my chest, 

This darkness in my vision,

It's starting to protest. 

The more I hurt,

The more I see, 

The truth in front of me. 

You and me, 

We’re not okay.

I fear we’ll never be. 

I dawn your burdens like a woolen cloak, 

It’s weight upon my shoulders. 

I always have, 

But I thought that now - 

It will be lighter as I’m older.

In the years that passed,

I thought I had, 

Moved on from what you’ve done.

I did the work, 

I cried the tears, 

The damage had been undone. 

But every time I see your face, 

Or hear the awkward “I love you’s”,

My skin still crawls,

My face still falls,

The truth I can’t subdue. 

The adult me can forgive you,

She can wipe away your tears. 

She can listen to your problems, 

She can calm your many fears. 

She can try and take your pain away,

And absorb it as her own. 

She’s strong enough to fight for you,

Even if she fights alone. 

But who has stopped and fought for me?

A helpless little child.

You’ve only fought to make it worse,

Even though you’re in denial. 

Your daughters not your keeper, 

She can’t absolve you of your sins. 

You take, 

And take, 

And take, 

And take, 

Until there is nothing left but skin. 

-AM

Author's Note

Any feedback on any aspect of this poem is very much appreciated. This is the first time I have posted anything of my own for others to see so please be nice!