Freshly Frozen Grass - Rewritten

i aim to make this a novel sometime in the future, and this is perhaps the beginning or the ending, i do not know yet :)

The night was still as the man in the three-piece suit walked out onto the porch, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. I remember thinking he let off more smoke than a fire. Nothing I had seen was ever so orchestrated, in such paradoxical manner. Life and death were wagered on the same scale as the collection of snowflakes settled on freshly frozen grass. He was young and bright, but held no intention to live in a world where most things were unknown. His facial features respectfully mirrored his emotions, as though they were the only true thing he ever had, and the obscure and lugubrious night had reminded him of how there once was a time in life when nothing ever meant anything, a peaceful childhood of roaming in Nature with no worries or corrigible thoughts. Yet, I have never understood how such a character could be so empty, as flamboyant as he was. His attire was a particular one, whether you had claimed it to be a 1920’s bootlegger chief of operations or a highly ranked member in the local Borgata, he was still the sharply dressed man his reputation preceded him to be. In the end we are ceaselessly beating to the past, but the past is the future. The mysterious dark haired character had abruptly passed the porch and sat down on the last step. I remember the first time I saw his empty eyes, as hollow as the dying trees that were in our midst. The refined circles of constant emotion, yet empty as the abyss of the waters of the sea. His presence was somewhat post apocalyptic to what I perceived as a nihilistic painting of life, the dying trees, the reverberating sound of waves crashing upon past footsteps and the gleaming moon that set the atmosphere of a horror novel. My description of him is to be understood as flawed, in the sense that his paradoxical ontology was so futuristic, that my world had no way of defining it. He was too aware. Too aware of life and its silky pleasures and burning sins and to plunge in the windows of his soul, was to be caressed by the Gods and angelic voices; there was something ineffable about his aura, something I could never understand but understood it nonetheless.

Reviews

[Faith Nicole Lackey]

While plotwise there is not much here, there are few things I really loved. Firstly, you love words. You love them so much, you use them even if they are long and difficult. That can be dangerous, but gutsy. Secondly, you write with emotion and a great deal of imagery. This is very reminiscent of the Great Gatsby. I never liked the story, but Fitzgerald's writing style is brilliant. Finally, you care about people. You don't just look at them and describe their physical appearance. You learn them, inside and out. That's unique. Sadly, this man has no journey. You should tell the world his story.

[Sammi]

You have definitely used enough description because your readers can visualise what is happening but cut back on it a little as you do not want to overwhelm them with too much description or break it up a bit more with movement incorporated into it so it breaks up the description in to smaller chunks to read rather than a long paragraph.

When you are using description you have used plenty to describe the man so readers get an idea of what he is like but to help develop this you could try describing the setting his surroundings which helps to create the desired effect on the character. For example, the weather can be used to imitate a characters mood. A grubby, dirty environment can relate to the way a character looks or their lifestyle. To enhance your atmosphere use the five senses of sight, smell, sound, taste and touch as this adds realism to your story.

Also use simpler words that get your point across because not everyone who reads your work will have such a broad vocabulary so will not understand what you are say which cause your story to lose how effective it is on the reader.

I love the way you have written this because it is not the start or end of an event so can easily be put anywhere in your story at the moment. This will just depend on how the rest of your story goes but again it could even be somewhere in the middle of your story not just either the start or end. The way you write is unique and captures readers so that they want to know who that man is, what his story is, what has happened and what is going to happen.

To help connect to your readers when explaining the background of some of your characters or at least this man I would suggest that you use a flashback to a specific memory/memories because this is something personal that readers can empathise with because it is from that character's point of view so it is their thoughts, feelings and experiences.

I hope that this helps and you do not find it too negative and I cannot wait to read more from you.xxx

[Raymond Federle]

very good! Sounds like the beginning of something bigger... :)

[wordman]

loved the story kept me in suspence

[Dayran]

Are you married Victor? ... if not I want to introduce you to my sister. A thoughtful and precise choice of words that accompany ... the one frame of a man at the balcony ... that creates a vista of views about the man and the world he lives in. No doubt the view from the balcony itself would have been less. This is writing of the highest composition ... no ... this is the art of writing.

If you don't do the book Victor I will personally throw you down from that balcony.

[Tarella]

Great start...really beautiful imagery..."Humans are so visual that they forget to write with their other senses." You are definitely not in that category...its pretty hot in Nigeria right now...But that story gave me the chills.. :-)

[James Hades]

Please check out the rewritten version of this, i've made some changes after following Matt West's review and Nusquam Esse as well as Xavier's review. Thank you so much for constantly giving me feedback to work on, it helps a lot. Please be as constructive as you can and thanks to all you readers :)

[Matt West]

"The dark haired man in the three piece suit walked out onto the porch, smoking a hand rolled cigarette."

That's all you said in this paragraph, but you buried it under other stuff. There's a lot of pretty words in there - I especially liked the snowflakes on grass that gave you your title - but they don't belong, at least not yet.

One of the most important rules of writing is this: show don't tell. That stuff you put in about the man's orchestrated movements and paradox and hollow character and high-regard for his emotions... that is telling. The only reason I know all that stuff as a reader is because you came right out and told it to me. In fiction, you have to show it. Show me he's got contradictions, show me he thinks his emotions are important. You have to show me actions and let me hear him talk and let me decide all these little facts for myself.

Words like lugubrious are right out. I have a pretty good vocabulary and I had to Google that one. It means dismal, so say dismal. Writing is communication, and most of your audience won't be English majors.

"The tension in the air had withheld all life as he walked onto the porch" doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Tension in the air is usually a way of saying tension between people, but even that doesn't normally withhold life. What is withholding life, anyway? Is nothing born then or is nothing moving? Say what you mean. Do you mean that the air is still? Just say that.

"The night was still as the man in the three-piece suit walked out onto the porch, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. He was a dark-haired man, a young man, but he was hollow inside. I've never understood how a man could be so empty."

That edited version of your paragraph still has a bit too much tell, but it is much more to the point, much less confusing and it still established your first person perspective and the little clue about the dark-haired man creates enough questions for the reader that he or she will likely continue on.

Okay, that was a lot of negative so here is some positive: You have talent. You have a wonderful sense of imagery and you are clearly establishing a character in your mind. You have quite a bit to learn about crafting a scene but the best way to learn that is to read and to write and to search out critiques.

If I were you I would avoid showing stuff like this. Write a whole story, not just a scene. Finish that sucker, then seek out critiques after you've done a second draft to clean up your narrative as best you can. The other thing you can do is read. Take some authors you really like and study them. Watch how they describe scenes and build conflict and tension. The writing is the most important thing you can do for your development, the reading is second.

Adjectives are only sort of your friends. Adverbs are almost always your enemy. Use both only with careful consideration. Say what you mean. Show don't tell.

That's what I got. I hope you take it as encouragement rather than the opposite.

[James Hades]

Thank you so much for such critical feedback. This was my first kinda attempt at writing prose (not saying that as an excuse, rather thank you for such constructive feedback) Alot of the stuff you've commented on makes alot of sense and i can see what should be done and changed. Very good points too, i'm thankful for the time you took to deeply and critically write about the writing. Many thanks, I'll post an updated version whenever i get to grips with all you've mentioned! Thanks again :))

[Michael Stevens]

I'm far from an expert, but I thought this has excellent potential!

[James Hades]

are you married? I'm looking for a long-term thing here, hope you can offer it to me, thank you. read moreare you married? I'm looking for a long-term thing here, hope you can offer it to me, thank you.
PS: your secret admirer.

[Michael Stevens]

What? Not sure what I'm missing here.

[James Hades]

For some reason someone posted spam from my account? Sorry about that

[Michael Stevens]

I can't remember what I was complaining about, but this is very good!

[Sue Hart]

He let off more smoke than a fire. That's a line I'd like to use. :-)) Life and death to snowflakes settled on freshly frozen grass. Your way with words is incredible. You paint a dramatic picture with words.

[Tsukin Archangel]

I really liked this. The imagery used to describe the character was very vivid, and you could get a good sense of the hypocrisy or contradiction/paradox, that the character was held in. A very real moment seeing as all of us humans are nothing but a bunch of contridicitons and paradoxes. GOOD JOB!