Drowning

it is kinda a story-poem.......im trying something new.....where i take the position of someone else.....

 

Drowning

 

 

A shock of cold pierces through my body,

Water surrounds me, and takes me down.

It’s so cold, so black.

I try to swim to the surface,

But which way is up?

All looks the same in the darkness of the water.

 

My lungs seem about to burst,

How will I survive?

My head starts to feel light,

My eyes flutter,

Then close.

 

I am still.

 

I can’t believe I have been so stupid,

So careless.

What happened to the little girl,

Who ran home every day,

Just to see her mom?

What happened to the perfect child?

But I knew then,

I had grown up,

But not the way I had wanted to.

 

I thought I was cool,

Being a daredevil, and messing around.

But now I regret it.

 

I didn’t even get to say goodbye,

Or give a kiss to my mother,

Like I used to.

 

I caused my mom so much pain.

And I know it’s all my fault.

 

 

 

1 Hour Before:

 

I yelled goodbye as I shut the front door,

Left mom without even a kiss goodbye.

I head off to meet my friends.

 

We mess around before school,

Our little group.

We take a detour to school on this winter day.

My friends and I make our way to the lake,

Now frozen over with ice.

 

“Dare you to walk across it.”

“OK, dare accepted.”

I take my first step out onto the ice.

It’s perfectly still.

I think to myself how much trouble we would be in,

If any adults found out.

We weren’t supposed to be on the lake until it was approved to be completely frozen.

 

As I’m in the middle,

I hear a creak,

And I start to worry.

I stop.

My friends are cheering me on from where they safely stood,

But I know they didn’t hear the creak that I did.

 

Before I can think another word,

The ice breaks,

And I hear my friends screaming.

 

Then I am engulfed in darkness and silence.

 

Author's Note

kinda longer than my normal writing

Reviews

[bailish]

"kinda longer than my normal writing" Do you mean this as an apology, 'cause I don't see anything to apologize for here.

This technique of writing the ending first and then having a flashback to the beginning is neat.

[Justin Tobey]

Wow!!! Casey!!! This is really, really good!!! When you described it, I actually felt like I was drowning, and I could really feel the rushing, cold water around me! The time rift you've created is a very interesting technique that you used to the fullest, and this is a great example of how we can never see who we really are and what we have to learn until we make a mistake. The fact that it never really shows you if she survives or not is nice. You ended it so that it doesn't just leave you hanging, but there's still some mystery as to what happens at the end. I really like what you've done here, and I can't wait to read your next poem!