Losing It

A scene from a one shot I was writing, a girl finding out that trust could be broken and how she should confront it

I sat there, stunned.  I always knew that there was the possibility that it could happen, I just never thought that it would.  I felt like that strand of trust I had with him was cut out of me. 

“Well, did you… call him?”  I asked feeling like I was forcing the words out of my mouth even though it was such a simple question.  Grace shook her head, her light brown hair moving with it.

“No, he just called and asked if I wanted to come over.  He said that he would pick me up and everything.  I told him that I was in the middle of something but he kept bugging me about it.”  She told me , seemingly completely oblivious to my thoughts.  I just nodded and tried to look interested without looking like I was on the edge of my seat trying to figure everything out. 

“And you obviously went.”  I told her, she nodded and then giggled.  I tried to grin, like I would of any other time she had told me this, but I knew that it fell short at a grimace.  Without me needing to prod her for information she continued to tell me that he did pick her up, even though it was the middle of the night.  I couldn’t help but compare how he treated her to how he treated me.  It was like it was just a routine to him, like he was used to picking up girls in the middle of the night.  But it shouldn’t have surprised me.  She told me how they crept up to his room, and I was grateful that she didn’t proceed to tell me the details of what happened there.

All I did was nod, and when she was finished with her story I sat back in my seat and pulled on my head phones as I closed my eyes.  “I want to be your first.” He muttered to me one night while we were on the phone.  I stiffened, then my muscles loosed as I realized that he was playing.  “Uh huh, right.”  Was all I had told him at the time.

I pushed the play button on my music player, it was too quiet.  Without a second thought I turned it all the way up, hoping to drown out the betrayal I felt. 

It didn’t work.

My stomach twisted as I thought of what was about to happen.  His hand tugging on mine, pulling me behind him.  His house smelled like cinnamon apple, a smell that would always remind me of this moment.  I knew what he wanted, and yet I didn’t stop it.  Hell, I even challenged him.  Well technically he challenged me by saying that even if I did come over nothing would happen.  I retaliated and he came to pick me up so I could prove him wrong.  My stomach turned once again as I thought of how far this could all go.

I wouldn’t lose it tonight.

I shook my head as if I was trying to shake my thoughts through my ear.  Of course that wouldn’t have worked even if they could slip through my ear because of my headphones.  

I took a deep breath, and tried to separate fact from fiction.

There was a chance that what she told me was a lie.  After all he had been saying that she got on his nerves.    ‘But that doesn’t stop someone from having sex with them.’ The little voice in my head told me.  I frowned, but he wouldn’t do that… would he?  My mind shot back at me that if he did it once he would have no problem doing it again.  I had no claim on him.  We weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, so it’s not like he was cheating… So why did it feel like he was?

I brought my fingers to my forehead and rubbed right in the middle, something I always seemed to do when I was thinking too hard or was about to cry.  It didn’t make sense on why he would go off with her. 

I felt a hand shaking my shoulder slightly, when I opened my eyes and looked up it was Grace. 

“Come on!  We are finally here!”  She grinned and proceeded to get off the bus.  With a sigh, I pulled out my hand bag and put my wallet in it and left my other bag on the bus.

 

 

“Jack!”  I called out with, what I hoped was a happy voice.  He didn’t turn around.  With a slight frown I ran up to him and threw my arms around his waist, something I had always done even before the challenge he shot at me.

“Uhmp.”  A sound came out from him as my body connected with his. 

“Hi.  I said into his back as I hugged him from behind.

“Can you come over tonight?”  He asked through a text. Instantly I got out of bed and checked if my mom was asleep, she was.  I told him so, and not even a minute later he said that he would be here in twenty minutes.  And with my heart pounding I changed my clothes and climbed out my bedroom window, it was like I was becoming an expert on not making any noise to wake up my mom.  But like each time, I paused when my body was halfway through the window and looked into my dark room praying that she wouldn’t open the door right now to find my body hanging out of my window.  With renewed reassurance I slipped the remaining few feet and jogged to the front of the apartments. With out hesitating I opened the door to the green car and slipped in. When I looked up there he was, looking at me with those green eyes and that smile of his and I sighed, it was worth every bit of worry that I had to see him looking at me like I just completed his day.

“Jessie?” He questioned as he turned around.  My smile didn’t falter as I looked up at him as he hugged me back, this time facing me. 

“I found you!  We have to go on at least one ride together.”  I demanded as the excitement of all the seniors crashed down on me.  “Promise?”   My light brown eyes catching his green ones only for a moment before he looked away. 

He nodded and released me saying that he had to go catch up to his other friends but he’ll call me to find me later.  My heart sunk, knowing that if he really did pick Grace up then he wouldn’t even bother making the call. 

 

 

“Lets go on this one!”  The three girls around me squealed happily, they had been doing that all night.  Thankfully instead of annoying me it helped to distract me.  I looked to the sign for the ride, it was a virtual reality ride that I had never been on. 

“Alright.”  I said with a smile as I looked to the girls and our mentor.  Eagerly they bound off to the line, it wasn’t completely long like all the others.  We had been lucky starting at the rides that would get the least attention and proceeding onto the big ones.  This line seemed to be moving slow though.

Warily I leaned against the bars that kept all the people in line.  It had been a long night of rides, singing like there was no tomorrow and jumping around like we weren’t graduating from high school in a few days.  I couldn’t deny that it wasn’t fun though.  It’s the perfect way to distract me from my thoughts.  With Aryn, a girl with shoulder blade length black hair and a super hyper personality, Jade, who at eighteen was just coming out of her shell, and Anne, the last girl in their group who also contributed to the loud factor, it was easy to leave the worry of Jack, Grace and betrayal all behind.  That was, until I looked around the corner and saw him with his friends. 

He was standing there, leaning against the bars like I was, with Alex, his best friend, Chase and a few guys I didn’t know.  For a moment I forgot that I was worried about us, for the moment all I could think of was how he made me feel special, how he hugged me the longest, talked to me like there was no one else, and looked me in the eyes and told me that I was beautiful. 

But I would be lying if I told you that that feeling lasted for longer than a few seconds.

It was only the fourth night in two weeks that I had been sneaking into his bedroom and already we knew what each touch meant, what I wanted when I nudged his head to the side.  But still, I was nervous.  Nervous that I wouldn’t be able to satisfy him, nervous that I would do some thing wrong and embarrass my self.  Nervous that he would look at me differently during the day time because I was sneaking to him at the night. “Jessie,” My name came out as a groan as guided me back up to his mouth.  And I smiled, because no one said my name like he could.

My group turned the corner and so his group of friends and my group of friends were in the same stretch of wall.  He turned, his dark blonde, curly hair covering his eyes briefly before he moved them from his eyes.  He was scanning the room, his green eyes flickered from one person to the next, and as he looked down the line, our eyes connected for the briefest second before he turned away and continued his conversation with his friends.  But it wasn’t only his eyes that he turned away, his whole body was shifted away from me. 

My own eyes widened and without a second thought I told my friends I’d be back in a moment and I worked my way through the line to him.  He still hadn’t noticed me even when I was only a few people away from him.  My mind screamed at me, telling me that this wasn’t a good idea, that I already had a bad vibe from him twice now and that there was no need to get my heart all bothered again. 

But I didn’t listen.

Author's Note

It's the beginning to a one shot I was writing... I'm not sure how it will turn out, I feel like she is rambling in her thoughts, the descriptions. - and yes, I realize her name is Jessie

Reviews

[Senseless whatever]

I think this is a pretty good start. Common situation, feelings fighting with common sense.