Love Hate Love (Non)Existant Relationship

A Poem by Cormamin

Just a brief example of how one-sided relationships tend to go...

And so you say that you're in love, and oh, that much is true
And I know you've probably noticed all these ways I look at you
And I know everything about you, no matter how you try to hide:
I know some things, just by looking, that you try to lock inside
And you think you're so opaque, that I'm blind, and that you're not
And sometimes you have told me that inside you've begun to rot
I wish you wouldn't say that; wouldn't tell me that it's true
'Cause then you just wreck all of me, and everything I knew.

I watch you in the morning, just to make sure you are safe;
I watch you late at night, just to see if you're awake.
I hate the way I love you, and the way I feel sometimes
And maybe then, it's worth it; to really want to die.
But I love the way you smile, and I love the way you cry,
And I hate to love to hate that, because all your tears are mine
And I hate to hear you speak to them, even though I love it, too;
I just wish the things you're saying...were a different person to.
And maybe that's just selfish, and just a bit obscene;
To hate the love I hate to have, with nothing returned to glean.
But I know the way you smile, and I know what hurts inside,
And I know what you say doesn't bother you...is sometimes what you're trying to hide
And I'm sitting here, just waiting; much like I always do;
Sitting here just hating; hating loving
Hating me for simply hating loving you...

And I know you've told me this makes sense; you've said some of this yourself
But between you and me and everyone: It's always about someone else.
I tried once then; to move on: and that one time, I died.
Well, maybe not on the outside, but far enough inside
That my mind began to wither, and my soul began to cry
And my body began to bleed, and I oh-so slowly died.

And now I'm back; I guess it's not exactly what you wanted:
To leave a poor blind thing like me oh-so terribly haunted
But that, this choice, was mine to make, and with each breath I slowly take
I re-sign that hellish contract; each promise made remake
And within fire once writ was said
Oh all these pretty little words; for each I've bled and bled:
I'd love you in the moonlit, until the break of dawn;
I'd love you in the sunlight, until all sun was gone.
I'd love you 'til I'd hate myself, and hate all things between
This loving hating loving you...for never loving me.
I'd say and do this all, each and every little thing, again
And I'll say this each and every day, until my bleeding heart remends;
I'll do it because I promised; I promised "'til the end."
But someone then had told me, and tells me to-day still
That the love with which I love you with; that love can only kill.

So I'll wait here in the starlight, also which I gave away
I'd wait here every moment of each and every day
And maybe that's a promise only such a fool would make
But it's a promise given by this fool, made special, for you to take.
I signed my name, in bloody script, to each and every line
I didn't sign for romance; love of you did make me sign
I think, tonight, I'd beg for you...just to tear it all apart
Tear up this bloody paper, and make the sun go dark.
But I love you in the moonlight, and I love you in the day
And short of death and dying, I know this love will stay
For love of what has hurt you, is love that scars you still
Even as you sit in the arms of another oh-so lonely heart you've killed.

And maybe that's my true wish; to take another's life,
To cause them only misery, along with pain and strife,
But in this and every life, the only comfort that I take
Is that you've deemed me thus: just another big mistake;
A huge mistake; a giant...and one you'll never make
And that, for me, is such a curse, but is a blessing yours
For you'll be left at home, alone, while I wonder upon these moors;
While I am bleeding; dying, you'll be lost in love and warmth
And there will be no shadow of love left for me to morph;
This sad and lonely silence; this bitterness so cold...
That in my heart, I feel it; have I become so old?

I never was so stubborn...as when you told me 'No'
Because that was all you said to me; you never told me 'Go'.
You never told me once to stop, but never told me so
You never said "I don't love you"...but what you said was cold
But in that chill was bitter warmth; you gave me this new curse
To love to hate to love you, and that, my love...was worse.

© 2008 Cormamin

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Featured Review

The Little Lady

You never said "I don't love you"...but what you said was cold

This line, I really can't describe how this makes me feel, I understand completely where your coming from. I have been through a time like this. I hesitate to call it a relationship because it was not one, but it wasn't not one either. Well now I have managed to confuse myself and I hope review makes more sense to you then it does to me. I leave you with saying, I know what you mean and I recognize how you feel. It isa hard to love and hate at the same time.