Always Sometimes Never

Testing the waters of allowing my soul to cleanse. I look back and read and see much sadness, while somehow I grow from the process.

 I was well aware of the hidden misunderstandings, I carried within feelings I just could never show. We were stuck in loving in all the planning, how it would end and how you could never know. Somehow I should have and I wanted it to be different. Can you save those looks for someone else?

She is just standing there silent. There is a hand touch, if only a reach could ever happen between us. There is nothing, I can't smile anymore..... she will move on to another that will only leave tears...... and then I wonder..... could I have been better? When is the side of the bed taken by the night? Head down, with her tears and all I know to say, 'I'm sorry'.

There is devastation within wants and needs, and all it seems to be. Please God, why can't I survive as me? I never asked for the first breath, yet I'm asked to take my last? Promise a life for those in my heart and mind, and I will leave alas. There will be no need for a smile, nor another bath. I never want to be here, living life through these nightmares.

A single tear forms, not upon my face yet I feel it in pain. What have I taken, which makes a simple goodbye impossible to gain? I never was what she wanted, somehow she still lives hopeful..... hopeful I may someday change. Inside I know, and any explanation won't relieve her strain. Against a single stone, my head will bang. Here for you a heart of mine, I've drained.... only for you.