Naked

Sadness is

blue (very sterotypical)

It is engulfing

It drowns us in it's

vast ocean of salty tears

flows through our collective

veins

and oh, god

it rains

it floods down

upon our shelterless heads

(hearts guts and bones)

never ending,

chafing away our skin

to our core

leaving us

wild and naked

Author's Note

"(Hearts guts and bones)" is a reference to a book. You'd know it if you read it.

Reviews

[Nastassja]

"Sadness is
blue (very stereotypical)"

If you are going to introduce something you know is a cliche (not a stereotype in this case, that would be the wrong word) it's best not to draw even more attention to that. The information in the parentheses is more like an author's note than it is a part of the poem, and it seems misplaced.

I don't mind the "Sadness is blue" part. Even if it is a cliche (which I would normally more than advise against), because of the way you worded it it made me think of the emotion attached to the actual color blue. I liked that. Very much. Even if it's a cliche, you could have turned it around and brought it into a whole new light. And I had hoped you did that as I continued reading.

I was disappointed. You introduced other cliches associated with blue and sadness--oceans, tears, and rain. I think you needed to have brought in something very original and something not commonly associated with sadness, but rather the way you worded it would bring out the emotion. I know this probably makes no sense to you, and I'm really trying to make it clearer. You need something to offset the cliche. Paint a picture that has a sad mood. But try to omit things people would normally associate with sadness. (I know I sound redundant at this point.)

But I really really liked the last few lines.

"chafing away our skin
to our core --> (I would actually omit that. Overemphasis. "Chafing away our skin is powerful image as itself.)
leaving us
wild and naked"

I liked it because I assumed you would introduce something like vulnerability after all the sadness, but instead I'm left with "wild." It's unexpected and leaved food for thought. (Forgive my use of a cliche.) :)

I don't see a connection between the images of chafing skin, water, and the blue. It confuses me and maybe because I want so badly to not think about the cliche. But you used the word "vein," which caught my attention. Veins look blue under the skin. You could do something with that. Forget the water--it's old. "Sadness is blue." Blue veins to carry the image, and a liberal use of creative license. You could come up with something much more satisfying.

My advice: Editing could be a poet's most useful skill.

[Rachel DeHart]

Maybe wild and naked is how we are supposed to be?
Just a thought.

But besides me making no sense, I love this poem. :]

[Lloyd Lofthouse]

I recall a time I was sad like that. I sat in a dark closet with a headset on and listened to this one song over and over and over while I drank from a bottle of red wine in an attempt to drowned myself two ways--with wine and music. It didn't really work. The sadness deepened.