Sonnet at a Friend

After Lady Love's suggestion,

My girl, you tear, you’re torn, you tired, but why?

Dead-end job? The bed bug bites, but you’ve him.

I dismay the light you stage in your eyes,

I’ve tried to keep peace -- the outcome still dim!

You’re hurdled where I can’t help. Where is he?

You sang him like a cure-all, empty hand,

But now they hold! Why stumble? What of glee?

I cannot mend what is yours to command;

Your volition is a dusty engine,

Its choke is stuck too high. Vacuum abate!

And see this chosen path as asinine,

Or blindly walk on, but mute all complaint --

            It pains my heart that I’ve been your good clown

When all you move toward is just the next frown.

Author's Note

I tried to rework it into a powerful rhyming piece. I doubt it was what the Lady Love had in mind -- but I don't prefer to write rambling rhymes. It's small, it's compact, but it was definitely a good exercise.

Edit: And I fixed the choke line as well as some grammatical issues.

Reviews

[Passingdaze]

It has soul. The passion here radiates from line one. I like the way you get the flow going here and keep it focused and pure. Astounding...So very impressive.

[Ananke]

Good f*****g poem. Its short and sweet, but conveys so much emotion.

"Your volition is a dusty engine" -Thats a great line.

[Mysty Rayn]

A great thinking piece. I love those!

[lilfeather]

Ahh, a good poem. I really enjoyed it. You have talent, im glad you express it.

[Harlow Aaron]

I love this sonnet! It is very descriptive! Sonnets are not an easy thing to write, but I think you did just fine! =D Excellent!

[LadyLove]

Ha ha I see that! Ok...you gave it a good whirl. I'm glad at the effort you put into it! If poetry means a lot to you it's worth it. Study Shakespeares sonnets they are great...especially the one that starts ...Shall I compare thee to a summer's day..that's a good one. Take care.

[LadyLove]

Thought to add something else...that you chose to do a sonnet. It isn't as easy as it looks right?Geez! To keep to the meter and to seperate the related trains of thought between the first eight lines and the last four is an exercise...and then to put that defining couplet to bring the whole thing to its resolution takes much thought. But it is a great way to condition yourself to think and compact the feel in your mind and really choose your words to fit. Try another...

[LadyLove]

Oh geez...you really did try what I suggested...well...you did good. Honestly! Just one tiny thing..a syllable is missing in the choke stuck line. But overall you attempted and the feeling is very clear here. Truly comes across! It takes practice to adhere to rhyming rules...I am new to poetic forms myself, but getting better. It truly does work your mind to capture emotion in this way, but the result is very strong when you succeed. You did here...I commend you...I really do feel the exasperation of a man who has lost patience with a woman who only uses him when she knows his heart is still tied to her in some way. Do some more.