Things I Never Said (Part Two)

Where can friendship lead? Well, it can either remain as it is, drift away, or lead to something far more intimate. This is the story of childhood friends Zachariah and Dakota.

Dakota was unlucky. Throughout her youth, she was bullied. Her father was verbally abusive to her mother before dying from alcohol poisoning. Her mother was killed because of her depression. She had not eaten or slept enough. Dakota had no siblings, and her parent's families were all dead. By the time she was 20, Dakota was alone in the world except for Zachariah. But now, that one man who had used her as an anchor his whole life was staring in horror as his friend collapsed in front of him.

"Dakota!" he screamed as people surrounded them. She stared at him, her eyes open but her body limp and practically dead weight in his arms. Tears were falling down his face as an ambulance siren's roar ended as it skidded to a stop next to them.

Suddenly, as if time had stopped and started, or like God had fast forwarded a DVD, Zach stood in front of her hospital bed. She was alive. Barely.

"Cancer?" he whispers, and her doctor nods.

"We had feared it would happen since she was born. Her mother drank endlessly when she was pregnant and stayed on her anti-depressants while pregnant which would effect Dakota's immune system greatly. She was always sick as a child, but she never listened to our precautions. The cancer was most likely caused by the endless alcohol her mother drank. Listen to me boy, this is important, does she have any family?"

"No...neither of us do. It's been just me and her for a while now..." he whispers, gently rubbing random patterns on the back of her hand with his thumb.

"I see. Are you married? Dating?"

"No. Just best friends since our youth. We were there for each other's parents' deaths."'

"I'm very sorry. Those times must've been hard. Well, I have to go. Her condition is a terrible thing since there is almost nothing we can do unless her body can somehow fight it."

"Will she wake up?" Zach asks, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"That's up to her. Since her body is so weak, she may not so her body can focus on fighting. If she does, she may be getting better or she's giving up and ready to say good-bye. I have to move on to my next patient, excuse me."

With the doctor gone, Zachariah looks down at the girl who's been in his life since his troubled life. His best friend and love interest. He never confessed to her, and now she lay on her deathbed, still oblivious to how he really felt. He continues to hold her hand, and he can practically feel himself breaking inside, piece by piece. He sighs, and starts to release everything within him that he always wanted to say but never did,

"In this life, my good friend, you aren't the fountains in the park or the fireworks on the fourth of July. You aren't a fine wine or an aged cheese. You are fresh air and clean water, you are rich soil for the harvest and the sweet spring rain. You are all the things we don't know we need or love so dearly until they are gone. So now that we swim in the tidewater of our sixth decades, it's time to tell you what you mean to me, what you mean to all those lives you have touched. No-one can change the world in a single stroke, my love, but with each kind deed you made all the difference in the world and I feel blessed to know you," he rants, and when she doesn't respond, he continues.

"You aren't simply a good friend, you have become part of my soul. When life became a storm you were the boat that kept the briny water from entering my lungs. You were love when I needed it and I thank you with all that I am. Yet this storm isn't over; the winds rage, seek to crush what they can never be. I have to know my own strength, test it, find truth and liberty, to realize that there is no prison that can hold me. Only then will I know that I am doing what I choose to do, that my own love is a choice, a gift to give. It is time, my friend, for me to walk alone as I always knew I must; yet a part of my light stays with you, as part of yours leaves with me, for we are kindred as I told you, twin souls. I will return, and sooner than you fear, with new strength to my legs, to my bones, strong enough to carry you. Heaven and prison can't be the same thing, my love, and we'll keep on looking, together."

He starts to cry. "Goddammit, why couldn't I just tell you I loved you last week at the coffee shop? You said so clearly that you cared for me. Even if you didn't return my love, I still would've wanted you to know! Hell, Dot, I love you so much. Dakota, I'm not perfect, but I'd follow you into hell if that's what it took to keep you safe. I am your protector as you are mine, one to shield the other. After keeping children safe, as all adults must, not a single soul comes before you. So I'll stay with you as you stay with me, trust in you as you trust in me, and together we'll ride through every storm, waiting to see what the new dawn may bring."

Zach cried like there was far too much raw pain inside him to be contained. He cried like her spirit needed to break loose from her skin, desperate to release an elemental rage in the world. The soothing words Dakota had spoken in the past rang out from his memory but they made no difference at all. Zachariah was beyond all reason, beyond all natural methods of calming.

Love and sorrow, the twins... the love come first sweet and strong, then the sorrow that we shall never again be together in this life. Zach can only pray that the will be reunited in the next world, that God would see fit to give them more time. But for now the loss is more than his heart can take and he feels the dark clouds looming in from above to obscure the sun. If love is a divine gift then sorrow is also, for in its enormity is the proof of what used to be.

The tears stop, the end of their surplus reached. He wipes them away, and the attempt to dry his face makes Zach's cheeks raw and numb.

He sighs and begins to reminisce their time together. "Emotions. The very thing that makes us human. You can have happiness, pride, excitement, relief. Every emotion considered good. But what would you be if you didn't feel hurt, or pain, or despair? You can't have the good without the bad. There is no light without darkness. The trick is to balance them, so the bad doesn't seem so terrible, and you can truly appreciate the good. I remember falling in love with you when it seemed there was nothing I didn't like about you. 

"Cute as buttons, lightening fast, sharp as a whip, nice as pie, sweet as can be, friend magnet, sweeter than a bowl full of cherries. Steady as a rock, unflappable, courageous, kind, caring, sensitive, empathic, sweet, cute, brave, intelligent, smart, funny, articulate, witty, selfless, patient, one-of-a-kind, one in a million, thoughtful, persistent, determined, punctual. God, Dot, you were and are perfect. You'll continue being your own kind of perfect long after you've left this melancholy world," he finishes, unable to think of a compliment he hasn't already said.

Day after day, he would come into the hospital during the visiting hours to see Dakota. And day after day he continued to remind her of how much she meant to him.

Day after day, she surprisingly began to get better. Medications and steroids slowly began to heal her and bring back the figure she used to have, not the frail and pale one Zach hadn't even noticed forming as he saw her before the fainting spell. However, despite cancer leaving her system and despite color returning to her skin and face, she still did not wake.

Soon, Zach began to loose hope because he really had no idea what to think. It's been months! Why wasn't she awake?

He thought this in the late hours of the night until suddenly and was scared right off his bed and onto his bedroom floor when his cell phone released the loud shrill that was his ringtone. He sighed, his heart beating erratically while he tried to calm himself. It was strange for someone to call him. Before, it had only been people like Dakota, or someone who could connect themselves to her in some way wanting to know about her condition. With a groan, he rises from the floor and accepts the call, "This is Zach," he grunts.

"Mr. Wolf?" a voice asks, "This is the direct line to Zachariah Wolf, correct?"

"Yeah, that's me," Zach says.

"This is Dr. Vincenzo Holt? Dakota Valentine's doctor?"

"Why have you called? Has something happened to Dot - I mean Dakota?"

"Yes, something did happen, actually. She woke up."

"What?" Zach sputters in surprise. "I'm on my way." He says before ending the call and throwing on random shoes and a jacket. His whole body is numb as he stumbles out of his car as he parks it in the hospital parking lot, and as he runs inside. Seeing the desperate look on his face, the receptionist lets him by without question, and he runs in. He doesn't even bother with the elevator, taking the stairs and so he keeps moving without having to worry about other people wanting to get on and get off at different floors.

Finally, after what feels like forever to him, he reaches the hospital room and opens the door without hesitation. Sitting up in bed, Dakota is examining her surroundings while a nurse takes her vitals. Zach had paid for only the best room in the hospital. The hospital room is more like a garden, how much things have changed in the past thirty years. The roof is clear giving an impression of being outside and once in a while a butterfly will alight on a nearby leaf. The beds are still metal underneath, but technology has come so far. To the touch and to the eye they appear to be bamboo, warm and rustic. There was so much talk of expense when the first pilot hospital did this, but the results speak for themselves. Stays are shorter, healing faster, depression negligible. Turns out we're animals after all and our "habitat" matters, that our mental and physical health are too intertwined to separate.

"Zach..." Dakota sighs, her voice husky and light from disuse. Tears fill his eyes as he walks determinedly over to her, and pulls her frail body into his well-defined arms. Since her illness was uncovered and he no longer was able to spend his time like he used to, he took up working out at the gym to make sure he was keeping himself healthy for her.

Her heart monitor speeds up drastically as soon as he touches her. He pulls away from her and raises an eyebrow at her in surprise. Dakota blushes and the nurse laughs, "Well, I'll leave you two alone. From what I hear, I think you two have a lot to talk about."

Dakota nods, and the nurse leaves the room faster than either her patient or her guest expected. Zach looks down at Dakota and brushes a curl away from her head. Because there was no point in doing chemo, and all the people at the hospital could do was give her medication and hope that would do the trick, Dakota still had all her hair.

"You have no idea how much I missed you..." Zach whispers to her, still holding her in his arms as though scared she'll fade away if he lets go.

"I may have some idea," she smirks, and Zach's face reads pure confusion. "When life became a storm you were the boat that kept the briny water from entering my lungs? Cute as buttons, lightening fast, sharp as a whip, nice as pie, sweet as can be, friend magnet, sweeter than a bowl full of cherries? Any of that ring a bell?" she asks with a tender smile.

Now it was Zachariah's turn to blush and feel his heart rate speed up. "Y-you could hear that?"

"Every word. Zach....The ending of life is expected, we all live on this mortal plane. What I resent is that death being longer and more painful than it needs to be. My body will self-destruct, day by day. The tumor will grow, spread, consume, squash the very organs that work to sustain it. I've had a pretty good life, better than most, I don't need to hang on as a living ghoul; an "exit" pill would be kinder than all the attention from the hospice staff that lies ahead," she explains, ignoring the horrified look on Zach's before continuing. "I considered all of that because I was so sure that I was alone until I realized that every day I was out, I could hear. I was exhausted and weak, and unable to open my eyes or speak, but I could hear. Everyday, every single day, you came and explained how your day went and told me how much you missed me and loved me. I wanted to respond, tell you that..."

"Tell me what?" Zach asks, hoping with every strand of his being that she was going to say what he thought she would say.

"That...I love you, too...even though I'm dying, I love you and it's going to hurt you so bad when I go away. It can't be helped, I'm going to die..." she whispers, not sugar coating anything because it would only hurt Zach more.

"I know...but you're my best friend and the one I love. I want to be with you not just as your best friend until the day you die, even if that is only a few months."

And that's what they did. Marriage in the hospital and dates in the hospital. Anything he could do to make her stay better, he did. Anything he could do for her, he did it. On many occasions, Zach and Dakota would cry for what they knew they could never expirience. They could never expirience having a child together or growing old together. They thins were just given to the type of relationship they had but that didn't make these things any less heart-wrenching.

However, no matter how much the couple wanted to believe things were going to be okay, eleven months into their marriage, and they could tell that Dakota was going to be leaving this world very soon. She was moved to a hospice, and there Zach stayed with her.

But nothing good lasts.

The day Dakota passes was like any other. She and Zach were watching a movie on his laptop like they did most evenings when she suddenly went limp in his arms. Black filled the edges of her vision and the only thing she could hear was her own heartbeat. Her breath came in ragged, shallow gasps. Seconds passed as she lay there, then, she heard voices. People swarmed all over her, trying to help her, she realized. They wanted to save her. If she could have, she would have laughed. Surely they could tell that it was far too late for her to be saved, yet they were like children, naive to the darkness of the real world. The despair and suffering of the world that took everyone she loved away from her but Zach. Zach was there, but he was away from the people trying to save her. He knew it was her time, she could see it in his eyes that he knew she'd be at peace. She would be joining her family soon though. She would be able to leave all the pain behind. Dakota closed her eyes, she could die happily now. Her fragile, human heart beat one last time. 

Zach cried.