Stories and Struggles

Fair warning, this is a slam piece. The rythym might not translate perfectly onto the page and the formatting is meant for reading rather than line symmetry. All of that aside, I hope you enjoy it.

(Trigger warning: self harm, suicidal tendencies)

I'm doing well lately
I'm strong, I've been brave, and so so hardworking
Always hardworking
Because I'm afraid
Of the day
I'll go back to where I've been
Mind racing in the woods at night
Cowering at the gleaming teeth and twisted mouth, saying over and over.
What's the goddamn point?

And my manic mind starts rushing
In these bipolar, A, D, D loops
Like
What's the goddamn point
What's the GoDDamn point!
What's the GODDAMN POINT!!! I wonder what falling feels like?

Except I learned my lesson the last time
But I don't know what to do
And how was anything ever okay?
And what's the goddamn point.
What's the goddamn point..
What's the goddamn point ....

I spent 3 days in 5 coats just to punish myself for living
In 1 night I lit 4 cigarettes and put them out on my wrists
In 2 days I drank 0 glasses of water, because who would even care
Then came that time that left me gasping for air.
In all those days I bled my heart out
Then one day something changed
I used that blood to write my story
Over and over again
It felt incredible,
To speak sincerely,
I found my love and I healed.

You see, I love stories
About triumph and struggle
Change and renewal
Anything that reminds me what it means to be human
They've shown me,
How the ugly is beautiful and every hell can be holy
And man, there have been some days when I'd like nothing more than for life to be easy
But I try to remember,
That my worst days have lit a fire in my belly,
Put a hunger in my gut,
And laid sparks into my fingertips.
So I'm not gonna end this poem by asking for anything
Cause man
I already have everything.
instead, I'll say thank you
For the good days and the bad,
It has been one hell of a ride