Sweetest Sin

I don't know how I missed this one. I created this on Friday, October 28, 2011. It's also one of my favorites. Kind of speaks for itself as for meaning.

Please take off your mask, sit down and relax

The constant bombing around you wont last

I promise that, the clouds will clear fast

You can take off the cast that's been covering your past

Take a step into this gate but don't look through the glass

The caskets you see wont be you I promise that

So take this I promise you can see where they sat

Put up your smoke and mirrors in spite of the constant lambaste 

 

 

Let me feel what you feel don't keep it all sealed

You can scratch until you peel but your wounds wont heal

You hide behind the wheel because you wish your claws were steel

Don't forget to appeal to anguish and all he conceals

Put in your memories, one by one in this creel

Sit it next to you and let the waves take the wheel

Let the currents take you away, but please be sincere

Don't be filled with fear what you feel is what you hear

 

 

But now I regret, can't seem to take my eyes off the sea

You never came back and I know you're not free

You're stuck in a new cage and it's all because of me

You got swept off your feet by the nightmare of your dreams

You know the place where I promised you'd never be?

There lies a tree where you fly so I always believe 

I know I glued your eyes shut regrettably

But because of what you taught me, I can finally see

Reviews

[Noa]

Hello!

When I read in your profile that you are hip-hop inspired, I was curious to see how that works out in your writing. I see it clearly now, and woah, I do hope that you have a way to actually rap these texts, because I believe you should.

It's wonderful writing within this style, and though in speaking you would rapidly follow one sentence with another, when you write it down it does need more punctuation than you've given it now. A few commas here and there, and there are a few good places for a semi-colon too. They can help to make the rhythm of this piece (that is clear when you speak it), more clear to a reader who has trouble placing your style.

There's not much else I can give you for pointers, because I only have experience reading this style, and not writing it. Maybe expand your vocabulary a bit, as most of your words are still very basic. Then again, this does make it easy for your readers to understand you, so it's also a good thing.

Finally, I'd like to tell you of a guy on youtube I recently discovered, who does poetry in the spoken word form, and rap, in a style similar to this. You might enjoy his work: http://www.youtube.com/user/gwatsky (I personally recommend watching 'pale kid raps fast' as an introduction to his work, but really, there is a LOT of good stuff on that channel that you might like).

Great piece, thank you for sharing your work!
-Noa

[Harmonica winds]

Put in your memories, one by one in this creel
Sit it next to you and let the waves take the wheel

I really liked these lines here, this is a tugger of a write, so emotional.
I really enjoyed this write.