Silence can be the best friendship

Silence can be Golden

Emotional Silence

You gave me the greatest gift that no one else in this world could have give me...life.  

You supported me in all my endeavors, despite agreement or not.

Children, being a single mom, being a divorced woman, changing careers often, living in my own ways irregardless of what others thought, being who I am.  

You loved me more than anyone could.

But, when I needed you most it was the one time you could not be there for me as it was your time to leave this Earth, moving onto what most of us simply wonder about regardless of what we would like to tell ourselves.

I needed you to be there for me in this time as I mourned your death.

Momma, I miss you but you blessed me with people in my life who could also help me thorough this time.

Friendships

Friends who would be there for me in silence in the time that I needed them to just be present.  Not saying a world, allowing me to set, cry, hurt, and survive all that would be laid before me in the days after I could not longer hold your hand receiving that advice I would think in that moment was crazy yet always seemed to be perfect in the time it was needed.

Weeks and months passed, dialing your number for that advice only to have Daddy answer.  His voice, breaking with emotions of loss that brought forth in him the hurt and pain of missing you.  Talking to you not an option I ask how he was doing and did he need anything.  The answer always being "The best I can considering", leaving me lost in my own thoughts of inability.

Silent Friendship, in only a moment

Dealing with my emotions took time.  I would go set at the old grave yard above Meramec Spring and just stare across the space filled with old stones and tiny pvc pipes in the shape of crosses marking those spots that held the love of another.  A parent, child, spouse; all forgotten in the passing of time having no one left to visit the stones that remain.

One day, setting upon the bench, missing you, heart breaking needing the reassurance of the advice I refused to acknowledge when first given knowing I would never hear your voice again I found a silent friendship.

A woman came and setting on the bench beside the bench upon which I sat never said a word.  Sharing the vision of the stones and pipes that exist where once was nothing, waiting for death's next taking.  Ten minutes of nothing but silence and a shared experience that gave me peace in that moment.  Your unspoken wisdom of forward movement, a knowing that when I needed you you would be there in that moment of desperation by a simple thought.  Thinking the way you would have thought, giving myself the advice that always seemed to be appropriate at the time it was right to be so.

Thank you for that moment as I know you had a hand in it if only by allowing me to realize that if I need you I simply ask the question to the universe and there you will be.

Realization

Thank you Momma for loving me enough that you will always be within my heart and in my mind when the timing is correct.  Rest in Peace Janice Sue Fraley Perkins  November 22, 1945 to August 9, 2008.  The lessons you taught me have given me a lifetime of solutions; I just need to trust who you helped me to become. 

Author's Note

This was written some time ago. I appreciate your reading.

Reviews

[Claire Twinn]

A sad and touching recount of the struggle to come to terms with loss and grief. It's such a slow and painful journey.

[Constance Payne]

Yea, unfortunately and just about the time you think you can handle it it comes back....but I will get there. Thanks for reading.