Schizoaffective Song

A poem about mental illness

The Schizoaffective Song

twisted
demented
manifesto
cemented
o, how i hate all of the hate of this world
( - for penance i will write a thousand happy love songs and pray -)

confusions,
delusions -
illusions'
intrusions
i do not really understand at all the ways of this world

oh, no!!!
are there voices
watching?
waiting?
anticipating?
"You spirits -- yes, you are beautiful," i speak

( -i will try i will grow - i'll be good - that's what i want for me- that's what i want to know - )

then why do i want to fix all the wrong i have witnessed?
(i don't know -- close my eyes -- do i trust?)
then why do i feel like there's always something wrong?
(i can't say - this world is not so bad -- is it me? as i rust?)
why does my mind fixate and tell me it's all my own fault,
(oh no, that can't be true - no!!! that's a purposeless song!)
when i'm just a caged up monkey all this time? an assault?
(no it isn't that way! that is not true - i'll wish and love today
and
move on!)

and, the voice in my head, it
goes:
"don't you speak
don't speak
child"

i can't speak
i won't speak
i stand
i'm old now -- it's been a while

"oh now don't speak
now
shhh!"

and
i
go
within,
and i ask
God

about sin:

"why have i been so lonely so long?
why did You make me this way? so quiet,
so much stress upon, making me weird, making me sad,
always, within, pressure upon? confused, perterbed, in consternation!
why is my faith so shaken?
where is catharsis? there has been so much war!
o, am i mad?!!
why am i haunted by thoughts that won't go away?"

(sigh. and let it go.)

o and i know i don't want to hurt another!
not even with my love, again!
all my anger turns inside to me and it boils
lingers, evaporates and is gone
- inside a song is when! -
my best way to cope with life, this imperfect state!
a faithful beauty as i go along

so
i write that healing poem
so
i make that soothing song
anything that helps
that child fear
not linger
and go
on and on and on
o i listen to the sound
of my heart
as it pounds
meditate to peace -
myself....
i am
single
and am alright
there is release

so long i've been alone now, yeah
so long now it doesn't even matter if i'm in a crowd
so alone i don't mind not being alone anymore
maybe this is growing up
to know what it is to be strong
maybe this has made me a man

i am too tired to die
too bored to cry
i love this world
with every
fibre
of my heart and soul, or tears that i cry
and i don't know why

i just want to open up everybody's eyes to love
(if i could)
i just want to join the God above
(will You have me?)
and then we'll all get together and hold hands
(in that next life)
and wonder at this life's magnificent creation
(yes)

and for the first time ever
feel
LOVE

O, but to feel real love!!!

Give love!
 

Reviews

[jacob]

thats a beautiful poem, i also share that illness and i saw so much of myself in what you wrote, living this way is hard but its the biggest goal of mine to control myself even without medication