The Spirit Call

the spirit call 

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secrets held in time (the things you never say)

 

winter coming, mind turns to memories

the things the stuff of life that brings one to change and changing

vast and cold the solitary dreaming relecting the past always

my history in a mire of misery with a heart that's supposed to be beating

now faster and now slower, sunlight gleaming, with thoughts

of your family and love

but too often in my life i was a fool paranoid music blaring, anxious fights ofscreaming

 

now, breathes half taken in and the fear of the shadow

 

and the memory of you, dead brother, oldest brother

and the fights that happenedand how sometimes brothers make holes in walls

that's nothing new that's what adulthood is faced in irish bars for

you don't know it but you helped me through so i will live my life as an apology so!

 

and now forgiveness is a daughter

your daughter's face

your name her name ... in my imagining

love in the moment tantamount, the past, and the future

and the tears i know you stored for me, when i nearly died

 

we share common blood    and much more than that

 

and i see myself now as a child

i remember my teachers, they were my first role models

and i'm not like how they turned out to be

not sure who i am or if the asking matters

 

i drifted out on ice to a vast cold sea

was verging on an inward insanity

caught the words on paper, emotions that came to be

and kept them so contained

i will be no charlie manson

 

let those thoughts, those memories, those dead moments go

from my thoughts to my soul

i refuse to accept any rejection as being personal to my heart

for i know i know i have found my niche my place

and am at peace with self, my past, and my surroundings

 

brother, maybe we couldn't be good friends

but now i remember you in all the best of times and know

we shared a spirit connection in life's journey's time and hope

i only hopethat others feel the same way about me

afford me that the day that die - i hope not today!

 

last images of flashback:

on the parking ground of enrichment school little kids throwing rocks at me on their tiny bikes

and i was crying

you took their bike and threw it into the trees

it was so high for them and i smiled

 

and now i move on making peace with the solitude of my life

and finding good intention

my peers, my friends, i am not what they thought of me

and i call myself new man within the shadow of a coffee cup

and being unknown to strangers

the pain, the pain, and think of how no cup of coffee is ever the same

i allow myself that freedom

 

as our perception of time ticks on

 

and will keep my writing hidden, my self is so much more

it's not worth selling your thoughts for

because  your  conscience knows 

how you love   the child inside

 

my love of you i will see in my daughter's eye

or if not then surely in the eye of my soul

for i shall not be casually tricked into evolutionary function

now a woman's beauty is an abuse when she gives herself not of love

but i shall not return an abuse, if i can call myself with wisdom

 

that's what you taught me how that is why to listen

to listen for there are things that people do not say with their words

and even the day i find my soul bride

i will never forget you in my heart life in tomorrow's day

whether this one planet sees it's time too soon

as well gender and the identity of the source that created me

the intent

for even if there will be no Heaven on Earth

i will dignify the breath, the possibility, the time given to me by my inner struggle

and my inward intentions

 

is there any one god?

the struggle of a single human life travelling

because i recognize i was loved by my parents, grandparents, generations, ancensestors

the will of life guides the individual on

o my angel dreams, guide this heart back to love!!!

 

i have made it through those awkward years

 

i'm not quite there on the other side

 

but i feel the spirit call!

 

i hold onto the sensual survival and the passion

 

and count stars until i fall asleep