Ten Toes

Alright guys, 3rd poem, took it slowly. Thanks for your opinion.

Ten Toes

The shocks on her small scarred legs
are welcomed,
Red whelps from a belt prepared her,
To bend down, like a cotton picker,
The blood from their fingers dripping
onto blue, savaged knees in a white field,
Akin to a tattered American flag,
Like a faucet no one wants to hear
the same sensation a seamstress feels when pricked,
But some pain, brings gain.
   
Her hands move the wire quickly,
Steady to keep her head from ripping,
Her hair has been pulled out like an Indian scalp
and hangs lonely, lowly, lightly, silently,
On this goliath wall to keep
Creatures in or Creatures out,

The barbed metal, jagged edges,
the contagion and deceit
Controls her, contains her, retrains her,
Rapt attention reveals an ancient killing tool,
Giants would use to crush and mame,
Or Knucklebones, her favorite game.

The supple flesh of her thigh is saved by her slyness
And she lets out a sigh,
Like someone lost and found again.
Ecstasy, elation, anticipation builds,
As she gazes with blue Ashe eyes,
the mammoth electric green field comes alive,

Tiny round feet float like smoke through soft velvety grass,
She goes with certain laughter echoing through the clouds
like she’s the cat’s meow,

To the blueberry bush at long last…..

Reviews

[AprilRN1210]

this has quite powerful imagery and emotion that is both gripping and affecting.. it was like I was on a roller coaster.. up, down, around, and then all done, yay!.. the seamless way you painted a "story" yet, twisted, manipulated, and added deeper layers with its own imagery and details.. I got caught up in the vivid scenery.. the descriptions were exquisite and phrasing skillful, clever, and moving.. the comparisons intensified the feelings evoked.. you made them apt and easy to relate to.. only critique I can offer is think you meant "site" and not "sight" in description.. really enjoyed this.. well done!.. can't wait to read more :)

[Confuser]

I really am so thankful for your review. I will make the change. It means so much; being new to writing poetry, I certainly need all the help I can get. And reading poems from writers such as you truly helps. I do read submissions; I suppose some people maybe a little selfish (your comment about what do you want me to read) - hinted a little at that. If you want me to read something just ask. Probably will love it and learn from it. Thank you again.

[Confuser]

................................Thanks.

[lovelife]

this is a very good write man, very raw

[Chris]

Something isn't right in the very first line... shock or shocks? with is or are...of the second.

At the end I did see the scene behind my eyes... and could just make out the giggles...

[Confuser]

The shocks - thank you, but I do wish you would have torn it apart! I have. Thank you for your time.

[Chris]

you don't argue with success... you "deal" with it. You told the story and I picked up on it right from the start - maybe another wouldn't - maybe all the others did too. I mentioned the "off" moment because you deserved to know and "silence isn't golden".

[Confuser]

Thank you. This is not easy. Getting to emotions when there's a Bouncer standing guard. I have to feel it. Thank you!!

[R Smith]

That's quite some poem from you, you say you find this hard to do but you're a natural, here is a simple tale about a young girl making a way to a field for blueberry's, seems she may have been beaten before, possibly for the same 'crime' but she's highly resourceful and despite all obstacles reaches her goal, guess its a case of never give up on your dreams, the way may provide danger and harm but the path is passable and the reward worth all effort, a fine tale Miss Confuser, your poetry has a life and a passion, you really don't need any assistance you have it all now just keep your mind open to all inspiration, it can come from the sky or the paving stones just seek and you shall find, bravo, bless you :)

[Confuser]

Richard, your review is better than the poem. I worked this morning on this silly but quite true tale. I thank you so much for taking a look. I'm not a natural, I beg to differ, I would love to be able to write song lyrics; but much too hard. But so is poetry. Now depending on my mood, I can rhyme all day. Bless you. My name is DaleSpringsMitchum (on facebook) rarely go there; politics and comments are annoying at least for now. But I really want to thank you. Anyway...

[R Smith]

Hello Dale, friend request coming your way on FB, I go there sometimes, yes I tried song lyrics and got a poem, just cannot write them haha

[Confuser]

As a child the tall pasture fence in front of our yard could not be climbed, so I'd have to get through the barbed wire and miss the electric wire. But, I would get shocked, I would get cut and I did get in trouble but it was worth it!
Anyway, thanks.

[R Smith]

You are always welcome, good to see you had this poem in you from childhood, its a way to make strong work and as I don't give false praise I shall say again this is a great poem, you'll just have to trust me :)