Alright guys, 3rd poem, took it slowly. Thanks for your opinion.
Ten Toes
The shocks on her small scarred legs are welcomed, Red whelps from a belt prepared her, To bend down, like a cotton picker, The blood from their fingers dripping onto blue, savaged knees in a white field, Akin to a tattered American flag, Like a faucet no one wants to hear the same sensation a seamstress feels when pricked, But some pain, brings gain.
Her hands move the wire quickly, Steady to keep her head from ripping, Her hair has been pulled out like an Indian scalp and hangs lonely, lowly, lightly, silently, On this goliath wall to keep Creatures in or Creatures out,
The barbed metal, jagged edges, the contagion and deceit Controls her, contains her, retrains her, Rapt attention reveals an ancient killing tool, Giants would use to crush and mame, Or Knucklebones, her favorite game.
The supple flesh of her thigh is saved by her slyness And she lets out a sigh, Like someone lost and found again. Ecstasy, elation, anticipation builds, As she gazes with blue Ashe eyes, the mammoth electric green field comes alive,
Tiny round feet float like smoke through soft velvety grass, She goes with certain laughter echoing through the clouds like she’s the cat’s meow,
this has quite powerful imagery and emotion that is both gripping and affecting.. it was like I was on a roller coaster.. up, down, around, and then all done, yay!.. the seamless way you painted a "story" yet, twisted, manipulated, and added deeper layers with its own imagery and details.. I got caught up in the vivid scenery.. the descriptions were exquisite and phrasing skillful, clever, and moving.. the comparisons intensified the feelings evoked.. you made them apt and easy to relate to.. only critique I can offer is think you meant "site" and not "sight" in description.. really enjoyed this.. well done!.. can't wait to read more :)
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
I really am so thankful for your review. I will make the change. It means so much; being new to wr.. read moreI really am so thankful for your review. I will make the change. It means so much; being new to writing poetry, I certainly need all the help I can get. And reading poems from writers such as you truly helps. I do read submissions; I suppose some people maybe a little selfish (your comment about what do you want me to read) - hinted a little at that. If you want me to read something just ask. Probably will love it and learn from it. Thank you again.
10 Years Ago
................................Thanks.
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Big step up from earlier efforts; highly creative piece artfully presented.
Here, you virtually play with the readers--skillfully manipulating their perceptions and, therefore, their emotional reactions.
Naughty girl! Poetess who has arrived!
Posted 9 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
9 Years Ago
Frankie J, Thank you and I don't know whether it's because I'm sleepy or what, but I just read this .. read moreFrankie J, Thank you and I don't know whether it's because I'm sleepy or what, but I just read this poem, and for the first time; I'm thinking, this is not bad for a 3rd poem. Got a long way to go before I'll be "Happy" with a poem I write, but okay.
I was given an impression of a mother experiencing mental illness. The images of blood and feeling captured or trapped. The lessons from being hit with a belt teaching a sickness of unhealthy humility. Yet, there is grand vision here as well; maybe healthy, maybe unhealthy grandioso of exaggerated expectations.
I saw a hint at playing dangerous games and a feeling of escape in sensuality.
Lastly, I see a child, "The cat's meow" and a delicious adventure ahead.
The poem ends on a high note, but I have a foreboding the body of the poem still holds much power in this story.
Very powerful imagery and very cryptic storytelling. WEll done.
Well you are a lot more insightful than me. This is the first time I tried to write as what i have .. read moreWell you are a lot more insightful than me. This is the first time I tried to write as what i have read a poet should do. hey, I just climbed a fence - to me - being a young child, it was dangerous; tall, with electric and barbed wires. To go alone was not a good experience in the beginning, but worth it. I remember how we, my brother and other friends would help each other holding the barbed wire. There were a lot of great things in my childhood; and also things that, as an adult I see, were not. But my Mother tried her best, I suppose. Overwhelmed so we wandered, and I'm still curious, like then.
10 Years Ago
Ha. It is not insight I give you in the above review. I offer the impression or impact your words.. read moreHa. It is not insight I give you in the above review. I offer the impression or impact your words had on me personally. This response is colored by my own experience and not meant to interpret your meaning as much as to provide feedback to the affect of your work.
I am glad to see the child representation was in fact on target for your intention. Also, I think we all seek to find the child within experience from time to time and it shows strongly in this poetry.
I tend to read between the line a great deal. I am not often entirely literal. So, my reviews tend to be interpretive most often. :)
I enjoyed the poetry.
10 Years Ago
Really, I can very much relate to your insight. I have so many memories of childhood/some good/some.. read moreReally, I can very much relate to your insight. I have so many memories of childhood/some good/some not good at all. Thank you David Scott. I truly appreciate you reading -
this has quite powerful imagery and emotion that is both gripping and affecting.. it was like I was on a roller coaster.. up, down, around, and then all done, yay!.. the seamless way you painted a "story" yet, twisted, manipulated, and added deeper layers with its own imagery and details.. I got caught up in the vivid scenery.. the descriptions were exquisite and phrasing skillful, clever, and moving.. the comparisons intensified the feelings evoked.. you made them apt and easy to relate to.. only critique I can offer is think you meant "site" and not "sight" in description.. really enjoyed this.. well done!.. can't wait to read more :)
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
I really am so thankful for your review. I will make the change. It means so much; being new to wr.. read moreI really am so thankful for your review. I will make the change. It means so much; being new to writing poetry, I certainly need all the help I can get. And reading poems from writers such as you truly helps. I do read submissions; I suppose some people maybe a little selfish (your comment about what do you want me to read) - hinted a little at that. If you want me to read something just ask. Probably will love it and learn from it. Thank you again.
Thought provoking and an abstract read that has reached inside of me and shook me awake shouting, "Look!" Confuser, this was very good and it held me close to the screen the entire time I read. I really enjoyed this today.
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Thank you, I'm lowering my head, hands together, saying thank you. I've only begun to write and thi.. read moreThank you, I'm lowering my head, hands together, saying thank you. I've only begun to write and this is the only time I tried to concentrate on the words and the feelings. Wow. thanks. I was reading a poem of yours and my computer froze up ; just got back ; going to write a review.
'Tiny round feet float like smoke through soft velvety grass,
She goes with certain laughter echoing through the clouds
like she’s the cat’s meow'
I absolutely love this piece, and this line. Believe me when i say you are a brilliant writer,
well done
this is a gripping write indeed. Powerful word wielding in this piece - things that are said alluding to things unsaid - this one got me in my gut. It also speaks to the resilience we humans seem to muster under pressure. Well penned.
Happily married with three wonderful children. The first poem I attempted was Paper Heart which I submitted here last year. People here have been so kind and encouraging! Their feedback and reading t.. more..