In a World Where...

In a world of 6 billion tortured souls

In a world with no respect for young or old

In a world where lives are lost over oil, and coals

In a world driven by the quest for silver and gold

 

In a world where it matters who builds the tallest tower

In a world not ruled by the power of love,

In a world ruled by the love of power

In a world where it's always someone's darkest hour

 

In a world where lives needlessly get torn asunder

In a world someone always wants to light afire

In a world where we kill at the promise of plunder

In a world where 'teamwork' means 'gather and conspire'

 

I can't help but look around, watching this madness unfold

As the last good man finally falls, as evil takes hold

In a world where sex, drugs, and money are the only paths to bliss

I can't help but look around, and wonder, "How did it come to this?"

Author's Note

Be as harsh as possible when critiquing this piece, if you please. Also, appreciation to those who include specifics about what they liked/disliked the most about the poem.

Gratitude,
-Confidential

Reviews

[Onyx_Rayne]

I have no "harsh" comments to leave you....in fact, I really loved this piece. I agree with each and every word. This world is going in a downward direction and so many people know the statistics... they know of the wars, they know of the hate... they know of the crime... they know of the demorilazation... they know of the struggles. Yet, they embrace the very things that are bringing about the demise of peace and morality...and simple human decency. Sure, they sit back and ask "why" or " how"... then they go out and do the very things they question.

This is a magnificent, deep write. I love the alternating rhyme scheme - ABAB/ABAA/AABB this lends an excellent rhythmn to the poem. I also like the repetition, that drives the point home and really makes us feel like this is OUR WORLD...

Thank you so much for sharing this... you have a true soul and this write is a favorite for me.

Bravo..and superb writing :)

[Seerose]

I really like it. It is critical, sounds a little too pessimistic to me, but that's just my flavour. It is great and true.

[FlawedByDesign]

This is a wonderfully harsh, eye opening, a slap in the face kind of poem.
This piece reminds me of a person on a different poetry website who did nothing, but write about current world issues bringing into the limelight; not so much as to create controversy, but to tell a story about something plaguing the world.

I enjoyed the ABAB rhyme scheme, but was a tad disappointed to see you've gone with AABB in the last stanza. Unlike Arra, I anticipated the last stanza breaking from the "In a world" form established prior, because I knew the story had to end, but you could definitely rework the last stanza to include the "In a world" form established prior.

Nicely done.

[alesuriko]

This is a really good poem, enjoyable to read. It's not different but it is unique in wording and imagery. My favorite part was where you turned "power of love" and "love of power" around on itself, such a wonderful contrast and it really expresses the truth of humanity. Seriously, beautiful words, you wrote this wonderfully.

I do have some criticism. Third line in the first stanza "lives are lost over oil, and coals" you don't need the comma after oil. In the third stanza, second line, are you sure "afire" is the word you mean to use, not saying it's wrong but I am curious. The last stanza is where it breaks from the "In a world" pattern and this is where the grammar gets a little iffy for me. It's not that it's wrong, but it is stretching the poetic license a tad (which is not necessarily a bad thing). The first line switches tense after the comma and it feels a little strange. "I can't help but look around and watch this madness unfold" would be the more grammatical way of putting it but you don't need to change it because it works your way as well, especially considering the tone of the poem and it does fit with the next line. The second line, however, it doesn't flow right because of the way you use "as". It simply feels excessive the expressing that while you watched the madness unfold both of these things happened at the same time. It simply feels that there could be a better way of expressing that evil took hold and caused the last good man to fall. Lastly, you don't need a comma after around in the last line.

Sorry to make this so long. I hope I didn't sound like I didn't like your poem because I really do. It's simply my criticism and you did give me free reigns to critique! haha. Either way... I loved this poem. It's very well written and entirely creative and full of imagination in a world that otherwise isn't. Also... great job with the rhyme scheme. A lot of the time people try too hard to create a rhyme that they comprimise the quality and content of the actual poem. But with this one, you pulled it off quite well. It felt entirely natural to read. Well done!

[al25]

I'm stuned at the strenght of your poem. This is amazing, you captured most of the themes of life nowadays. Talking about poverty and trafficing could be great additions to the poem.

[LFW]

I love your message and how you convey it with a pleasing flow of words. The line I really appreciated was "I can't help but look around, and wonder, "How did it come to this?" mostly because it summed up such an honest array of lines. Great job!

[KayleeLegend]

I thoroughly enjoyed this. It's very blunt. You're writing things that people are afraid to admit. And the fact is, everyone has fallen captive to one of, and if not more than one of these truths. It's like the whole poem is a dirty little secret that people already know about, they just don't want to admit it to themselves, or anyone else for that matter. Thank you for bringing to the light some of the very problems that people are buried under today. It gave me chills, and I can honestly say that I can't find a thing I could critique negatively. I'm to caught up in the honesty that you've written. Realization is the key to healing, and I think that you've helped with realization. For me, and all of the others who have read this.

[Tumnus]

I think the repetition is very effective, it generates a rhythm that carries through the whole poem and really makes the last stanza ring out as the conclusion.
I absolutely agree with the sentiments expressed (thank you for mentioning oil, now more than ever it's important that we're not silent about the problems/wars surrounding it). At the same time, I always wonder if this 'modern world' is so much worse than previous centuries... Walk into medieval Europe, and perhaps a peasant's worldview would be about as downhearted as yours.
That's just a small point, though, and I think that whether or not our sad, modern world meets the status quo or is a new development, it's always essential to write about it, make art about it, point a finger at it until people cannot help but respond. Good poem :)

[Katie Louise Hughes]

Yay, you posted a poem! lol. Well as to the content of your poem, I do like that you don't paint a picture that everything is "rainbows and butterflies," because the world is one big scary dark place! On the contrary, I believe the world is also very beautiful. Your words do speak of the harsh reality of this world, but lets not let us forget that "we must be the change we wish to see in the world" -Gandhi. Thanks for the read, and keep up the writing! :D
I liked the lines- "In a world where it matters who builds the tallest tower

In a world not ruled by the power of love,

In a world ruled by the love of power

In a world where it's always someone's darkest hour"

[OkieWonKenokie]

Lovely poem. The "In a World at the beginning of each line in each stanza except the last sounds a bit weird, but maybe you were wanting a the point to come across like that. This is all so true. If it's not one thing wrong in this world, there's another. Nobody cares for each one another as they should or act as they should. Sex,drugs, and money are not all that. Money is a good thing to have, but the people that have all that money are miserable because money doesn't cure problem or troubles. No one has respect anymore or people caring for them anymore. Lovely, Lovely write. I loved it!