Childish feelings

A parent unsure of what to do after the death of their child.

      When my ears ring with screaming and crying, I think of how irritating it is and how I wish I could be somewhere else.  When my rage soars over my head to the point to where I cannot control myself, I think of what I could do to hurt anyone and how satisfying it would be.  When my eyes fill with tears, I think of all the things that happened to me in my life.  When I shake in fear, I think of the scariest things in the world for me.  I'm a grown person so why would I think of all these childish things when certain situations come across?
     
     On a Wednesday of March, I go to Saint Charles Cemetery and walk into the heart of it.  I see an angel statue standing tall under an oak tree, shaded by the sun.  The angel is of a five year old child, a victim of murder, she stands under the tree for protection from all that scare her.  I walk to the front of her and I stare at her, thinking.  What if I could have been there, could I have saved her? Did I lie to her when I promised her that I'd never let her get hurt?  Is she mad at me as she stands still, staring in the same direction for all of time. 

      My dear daughter, angel of innocence, you are why I act so childish when those certain situations come across.  I feel like a child, one so lost and alone, scared of everything and everyone in the world.  I want to hurt someone because I hurt and it's all because someone stole you from me.  I cry because I think of you, how happy you made my life when you were here and how alone and depressing it is now that I'm without you here to hug me and kiss me good night.  Since I lost you I became a child once again, waiting to grow up once again. 

     I'm as much of a statue as you are, standing still and staring in the same place, unable to move or speak, or wink or blink.  I'm not sure what you plan on doing now that eternity is on your side, hell, I'm not sure what I'm going to do since time still ticks for me.  I live in the past while everyone looks to the future, how can I? As I stand in front of you, like you've always been to me, my angel from heaven. 

     The spring wind blows and, just for a split second, I could have sworn I saw my little girl stare back at me and smile.   So, I can move on and face the future since you'll always be there waiting and loving me even for all eternity.  I smile and face my day as it were a new day and walk with pride for my daughter is alive. 

Author's Note

I'm not sure if the genre is correct for this piece but it seemed like the best pick, as for any misspells or grammatical errors...please disregard or you can tell me.

Reviews

[Vin]

Wow, the hearbreak in this due to the loss of her child was very powerful. Made the reader feel the pain rather than just read about it. Well done!

-Beth