It has been two years since my experience of death and the birth of the Cassy and Danika. I can't really explain what has happened over the last two years since they have appeared I try not to come around too often. With all the screaming, the smell of baby poop, and irritation all around it's better if I stayed out of my parents' life for a while I believed. I've just been living in a daze for the most part, just doing what I must to survive. Wake up, eat, sleep, wake up, eat, swing on the swing set, sleep with Keisha in my room, eat, sleep, and repeat. That's all that my schedule has been since that day. I'm not quite sure why it's been like this... maybe it's because on July 4th all we did was spend the hours with the babies; no fireworks, no food banquet, nothing. Maybe I'm jealous that these babies have all the attention that I once got. Maybe... I'm not used to being an older sister. Well, whatever the reason is I just haven't gone to see my parents or the sisters since they've come home.
Knock. Knock.
I awake to the sound of someone knocking at my door. I look out of my window, the sun is shining brightly into my room. I groan lightly and pull the covers over my face and try to fall back asleep. I don't want to wake up and I'm not going to.
Knock! Knock!
I jump to the forceful knock this time.
"What," I groan in sleep and irritation.
"Raven," I hear Mimi say on the other side of the door, " get up. Your mother is coming over with the twins and you're going over there for the weekend."
I roll my already closed eyes, "fine."
Then, just like that, it was quiet again. I roll over towards my wall on my right, then I feel Keisha's body on top of my covers denying me of getting any closer to the wall. I snuggle close to her and place my head on her side and begin dosing to the rhythmical breathing pattern. Her smell of dirty dog and shampoo filling my nostrils as I breathe in deeply make my sleep even that more peaceful and off to Slumberland I drift again.
Knock. Knock.
I hear my door slightly creak open and a pair of heavy footsteps coming toward me failing at trying to be quiet. Even though I know someone is in my room I fight the urge to sit up, I don't want to get up so I'm not going to. I keep my eyes lightly closed to act as I'm asleep, my most prized act that I can pass so greatly at. I feel a pair of hands lightly brush my face such a warm and soft pair of hands, one that is familiar. I feel a large set of weight settle in on my left side. I don't fight the weight pulling me closer to the body it was controlled by, even though I really wanted to. The soft hands gently pick my upper torso up and place me on the knee of who I figured it was, my mother.
I still lie motionless, pretending to be asleep, in the arms of the one person I wish to be and be with for all time. A hand leaves my body and returns on my head and softly brushes against my hair. I couldn't move, I didn't want to, this is all I've wanted since those crying things have come into my life: just some time with my own mother my time with her is already limited and now it's even more limited. I felt my heart break under her soft loving touch, my tears welling up in my closed eyes, and my mind come out of my daze with every soft brush against my hair. I couldn't take it any more I had be awake. I had to see my mother sitting there with eyes welling up with tears as she sits over me with such grief. I had to hug her, feel her love overwhelm me and my entire being, I wanted to feel alive and awake. I open my eyes and see her sitting there over me but not in the way I thought she would be. She looked as drained as I felt inside, she had bags under her eyes as if she hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in a long time.
"What happened to you, Mommy?" I ask with a large lump in my throat.
She smiles weakly at me as if my question was too difficult for her to answer. I feel so helpless, my mother is running down on sleeplessness and I can't do anything to help her. I sit up on my bed with my knees bent and my legs curled beside me under my covers. As I stare as her in her state, I observe what is different about her. Her eyes are baggy and dark circles infest under them; she looks very run down and worn out almost like even the slightest bit of movement is a struggling task for her. I stopped looking to see what had changed about her since I last saw her, it was just too much for me to bear. I got on my hands and knees and crawled to her lap. I wanted to hold onto every bit of my mother in fear that one day she may just ash away and disappear from me forever. I sit on her lap, grasp her wrists with my small skinny hands and easily wrap her arms around me. I held onto them and hugged her arms very tight and I didn't want to let go. In silence tears fell from my eyes and I allowed them to drop onto Barbies' pale hand. I feel Mother place her chin between my shoulder blades and rest her head on that very place.
"I love you, Raven." Mother says in a very tired voice.
"I love you too, Mom." I say in a whisper so she doesn't hear the quiver in my voice.
We must have sat like this for a good fifteen minutes because Mimi hollers out to mom from the living room. She hugs me very tight with her arms. I look up at her with a happy smile, for the first time in two years, I actually am happy. She unwraps her arms and picks me up.
"You ready to get up and get dressed to go?" She asks me.
"Give me five minutes and I will be." I tell her.
She sits me down on the floor, "five minutes." I run to my closet and open the pink wooden doors open and grab my blue t-shirt with Pikachu on it. Then I run over to my dark oak dresser, open the top drawer and grab my Pon and Zi pajama outfit. I grab a pair of my small jeans from the second drawer on the right side of my dresser. I grab a weekend's worth of clothes and my white tennis shoes with pink Velcro on them, slip them on and race out to the living room with my clothes.
"I'm ready!" I shout.
I find Mom and Mimi talking out on the back porch with Keisha lying on her bed beside Mimi's leg. They are smoking cigarettes outside watching the blue jays and robins fly all around in the backyard. I notice the babies sleeping peacefully in the middle of the floor in the living room. I run around the living room and swing the door open as fast as I could and jumped outside. Mom and Mimi are still talking and I go sit on Mama's lap as they talk.
"And I told him he needed to keep his job," Mimi said to mom, "especially since they're twins."
"Yeah, but you know how Correy is," my mother started, "he never sticks with anything for long."
Correy is my father's name but I never paid much attention to what they were talking about, really all I do when they get into a conversation is play with Mama's hair. I grab a small bit of hair and start braiding her hair nicely.
"I know," Mimi says. I hear her sigh, "but you have a child right here who loves you. What are you going to do now? The HRS is never going to give her back now that you have them."
"I'll fight them until the end," my mother says softly.
"But when will you admit defeat? I don't want to see any of them leave this family and if that means that I take Raven and raise her as my own then God help me, I will."
"But I want to take care of her," Mom says sadly.
"But you want the twins too," Mimi reminds her, "Eileen... sometimes you have to think about what is right for your children and not what is right for you."
Mama finishes her cigarette and puts it out in the glass ashtray in the middle of the table.
"You ready to go, munchkin?" She asks me as she looks down at me.
I laugh a little bit to the name, "yeah."
"Okay, let's go." She says.
I pounce off of her lap and quickly run to Mimi's side to give her a big hug. As I reach mama's side again I hear Mimi holler out to mom.
"Eileen," Mom looks at Mimi, "Have fun with her this weekend. You've no idea how much she has missed you over these past two years."
I rush out the front door and run to the brown Honda van that is sitting desolate in the driveway. I swing the door open, throw my stuff into the middle of the front seats, and sit down in the passenger seat. I look out to see where Mama is and I see her come out with the two carriers. Disappointment slightly appears within me but I ignore it and shadow it with excitement. I'm going to be with my parents this weekend and nothing is going to make this weekend go sour. Mom opens the side door and buckles in the two carriers. Danika begins to cry as soon as she is sit down on the seat. Not soon after does Cassy begin to cry. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe these terrible children will ruin my weekend. Mom closes the side door, walks to the driver side of the van, and opens to door to get in. Once she steps in and buckles up she ignites the engine and turns on the CD player. It plays a very familiar song, one that I can remember hearing when I was younger.
"That's The Voice by Celtic Women," I say to no one in particular.
"Yes it is, Raven." Mama replies to me thinking I was speaking to her.
After that no other words were spoken and the twins fell fast asleep at least the trip was quiet but still, I wanted to talk to mother but she didn't seem to want to talk to me. So, instead, I look out the window and watch car pass by fast wishing that I could be that fast, maybe I'd get some type of attention from my parents. I listen to the lyrics of The Voice, wondering if I could ever be able to tell my mother this and make her feel so much better.
I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice that always is calling you
I am the voice, I will remain
As I hear the chorus run over and over again I picture myself standing in front of my mother at an older stage telling her these exact same words. Just this thought places a smile on my face and again I'm at peace. The next song I hear is "Lilium" by Kumiko Noma. I've never been able to speak any other language but English but I do know what the lyrics are for songs. As the song starts I remember all that I have thought of and wished for since the babies have been born and I begin to regret ever thinking them.
The mouth of the Just shall meditate wisdom,
And His tongue shall declare judgement.
I begin to picture standing in front His Holiness and being judged his face serious and disappointed.
Blessed is he who endureth temptation,
For once he hath been tested, he shall receive the crown of life.
I think about Gramsie standing in front of me when I was trying to die and how she told me that they didn't want me yet. I look up to the sky, so bright and blue with the Heavenly clouds spread softly across itself, and picture her in my mind.
"Why couldn't I come with you at that time?" I ask with my heart up to her, believing that she can hear me.
I wanted to die but only for a single reason, my life no longer has just me but also my younger sisters in it. I didn't like, in fact, I hated it. My parents can't give me all their attention, I can only have a morsel of what I used to get, it's really got me sad and depressed.
Oh Lord, Fountain of Holiness,
Oh Lord, Fire Divine, have mercy.
I begin to think of the laws of God, no killing of anyone or self. As I stare at the sky that teasingly stares back I ask God for mercy and forgiveness for thinking of such a sinful thought. I stare out the window the entire ride to the house hoping to, just once, get spoken to by mother but it never did happen for me. Every so often she would sigh deeply like she's just about to say something but decide against it for some odd reason. Why would she think twice about talking to me? Did I do something, something terribly wrong to the point she is scared to talk to me?
About thirty minutes later we arrive to a single wide trailer that seriously needs some work. Even though it's not the best looking I picture it as so. The slanted windows that seriously need a wash are, instead, perfectly level and brand new. The door that never seems to want to open for anyone to let them in or out is a beautiful mahogany door with "O' Connell", our last name, etched into it with beautiful cursive letters in Irish Gaelic. The porch which is rickety is a big porch with strong flooring and green carpet with a net around it to keep unexpected tiny guests from coming in. The sandy yard is completely filled with as green as can be grass that shines when the light touches it in the early morning. This unwanted place is my beautiful palace that I used to be able to live in on the weekends until the babies came. Now I can only come over on certain times but again, I'm here and I'm not going to let this weekend go sour. I jump out of the van and desert my mother and run up the stone steps that, in my mind, are made up of diamonds and race inside.
As I step inside I'm greeted by my father who in, amazement to me, is more lively than not. He is sitting at the computer playing "Ever Quest" a new online game that he and his friends are checking out and have been for almost a week now. I run up to him and swing my arms around him as much as I could.
"Hey honey," he says as he puts his left arm around my waist, "how are you?"
"Okay, I missed you." I say to him as happy as I could to express how much I really did miss him.
"I missed you too." He says only half paying attention to me.
It never really bothered me that he rarely even noticed me for he was on the games and computer more than not. It never really bothered me to know that I was placed last on his list of importance. I'm only two and have experienced it all the time here so I thought it was the way that all daddies treated their children, it was just the grandparents that really paid attention to their grandchildren.
Mother comes in with the twins and places them in the playpen by the fireplace in front of my father.
"Are you going over to Darren's place to watch Nick tonight?" My father asks her as she places the twins in the pen beside each other and covers them up with their blankets. Danika's blanket is purple with baby printed all over it in colorful blocks. Cassy's blanket is pink with giraffes on it everywhere.
"Yes, he's working until about 5 or 6 tonight," she replies.
"Why don't you take Raven over there so she and Caine can meet," Father suggests.
"I can," Mother says as she turns to me, "that is, if she wants to go."
I could tell that she was saying that as to ask me if I wanted to go, I glowed in my heart and showed it physically with a large smile.
"Yeah!"
Mother and Father both chuckle at my reaction.
Okay, then let's go," Mother says to me, "we'll be back later Connor."
She walks out the door and I follow close behind her with a large skip in my step. We walk out to the door and walk to the house beside us. It's a nice house with white painting and blue window sills. The front door in right in front of the gate entrance and their side door is exactly on the side of the house, both doors are blue. We walk up to the front door, mom knocks on the door, and we wait. Moments later a small boy, about my size, answers the door. He has black hair that comes down to his ears in a curl, his eyes are a light gray, fair skin and freckles. He is wearing a green shirt with Mario brothers on the front of it and a pair of red shorts that go down to his knees.
"Mrs. Eileen!" He says excitedly, "come in!"
Mother walks in and I follow closely behind her, scared out of my wits. In the room were two rusty colored couches, and a small black velvety chair, some picture on the walls, a nice sized TV, and white carpet. The walls were a weird color, somewhat like a white with a hint of purple and blue that only could be seen in certain angles. The boy didn't even seem to notice that I was even there, which was okay but... it wasn't. I step out from Mother's shadow and look at him, hoping that he'd notice. As soon as I did, he turned and stopped walking.
"Hi!" He says to me in excitement.
He comes running up to me, stops just three steps from me, and stares at me. I return his stare back, I didn't know what to do or what to say so I just stood there, staring, like a stone. His eyes... I could tell, he has been through sorrow, they held it... they told me so. He's so happy but, yet, so sad. I could tell he is seeing something in me also... could he be seeing my feelings just like I was seeing his? I freak out and step back.
"No," he says almost in a plea, "don't go. My name's Caine. What is yours?"
"I'm... Raven." I tell him hesitantly.
He takes a step toward and my heart jumps but I stand completely still.
"Do you want to watch me play Mario while Mrs. Eileen is talking to my dad and cooking dinner?" He asks me in a polite manner.
"Sure," I say quietly so quiet unsure that he could even hear me.
I look around and notice mom is in the kitchen next to this room, talking to a man, I suppose this is Darren. So I follow Caine into his room which is past the kitchen to the left and all the way down to the end on the left. When he opens his blank door, I feel as if I'm walking into a gamester's type of world. Mario and Luigi are posted all over the walls, the Nintendo logo is painted on the ceiling, a TV sits on his dresser made out of oak, a Nintendo 64 sits on the floor, the games are scattered all about the room, and a red metal bunk bed lies on the far left wall. I was never really into games but I'm so desperate for a friend I'll just go along and ignore my boredom. He turns on his TV, turns on the Nintendo 64, grabs his controller, and sits on the lower bunk. I stand by the door, unsure of what to do, should I sit down or stand or what? He looks to me in a confused look.
"You going to sit down or what?" He asks to me.
He stands up and walks over to me, grabs my wrist, and leads me in to sit next to him on the lower bunk. Super Mario comes onto the screen in a very loud volume, making me force myself to not jump. Even through all my effort of not jumping I must have failed since Nick looks at me with a surprised look on his face, like I just startled myself.
"Are you okay?" He asked recovering from whatever startled him.
"Yeah," I say recovering myself.
"Do I need to turn it down," he asks I'm sure after he's pictured what caused my jump.
"No, I'm okay," I assure him, "But, thanks for asking."
I smile to him and he smiles back at me. I don't know how but I could tell that this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I watch him play Mario and observe how he plays with such a strategic play, almost as if this game has him soul and if he messes up he'll die so he must play and not die. Every so often he would ask me if I would like to play, I turn it down every time in fear of being criticized for not playing well.
"I've played this game almost 300 times now," Caine says, "and it still never gets boring."
"Wow," I say not knowing what else to say.
"Do you play any games?" He asks as he pauses the game.
"Well," I sart, "Kinda... I'm no good though. At least not as good as you are."
He smiles as he looks at me, "I'm the master of Mario," pointing to his chest with his thumb.
I smile at his gloat, "I wish I could be that good at games, maybe then I'd be more interested in them."
"How could you be one of Correy's kids if you don't know how to play games well?" He asks in a serious tone.
I look at him in shock, his question kind of hit where it hurt, my heart. I look down at my hands placed in my lap and twiddling my thumbs.
"Well," I say picking at my words carefully, "I don't really get much time with my dad so... I guess, I don't ever get any tips or advice from him on how to play better."
"Oh."
I hear the game come back to life and the sound of Mario jumping and things dying vibrate my eardrums once again. I wonder what I should do now, lift my head up or keep it down. How could I be my father's daughter, he's like the master of all masters in games and I... I'm just a spawn from him.
"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Caine says to me, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I look up but not at him, just forward, "You didn't."
That is the biggest lie I'd said but I didn't want his pity or his apology. Really, I just wanted to forget that it was said and move on. So I go back to watching him play and just think about my father and how I'm nothing like him. Moments later the door opens and my mother pokes her head in.
"Dinner is ready," she says with her warm smile painted on her face like some under piece trying to get more attention than a million dollar artwork.
Even though I know that she is using all her effort to hold her smile, I smile just for seeing her try her hardest to hide her true feelings. Caine pauses the game, soars off the bed, and races to the kitchen. I follow right behind him and begin to race him to the destination of ours. He beats me but only by a split second, so I say it's a tie, and to my surprise... he agrees. On his small round table two plates sit on opposite sides, in front of each other, filled with macaroni and cheese and green beans. I sit on the left and Caine sits on the right. We gobble the macaroni and cheese down and play with out green beans, who in the world would eat this voluntarily?
"Eat your vegetables or you won't get anymore to eat," Mother threatens.
"Eck," Zack says under his breath.
I chuckle a little bit. Eventually, we did manage to eat the two spoonfuls of green beans and had more macaroni and cheese to overpower the taste o green beans. A glass of milk is given to us to wash it down, we chug trying to see who would win. I did this time, I love milk. After dinner, we race back to Caine's room to goof off some more.
Hours past like minutes, minutes past like seconds, and I could tell since I was getting exhausted. I catch myself falling asleep on my hands that are placed on my knees. Caine, I guess, notices since he saves his game and turns off the TV and console.
"I sleep with the light on until my dad gets back, is that okay?" He asks me with a nice compassionate voice.
"Yeah, that's fine," I answer to him.
He walks over to me, I stand up, he pulls the covers back. He crawls in and I crawl in after him. We pull the covers over ourselves, cuddle together, and begin to drift.
"You know what?" Caine asks with a slight laugh.
"What?" I ask him in return with my eyes closed still.
"We just met and we're acting like we're best friends." He says.
I smile and chuckle, "Yeah."
I cuddle closer and fall fast asleep with my forehead placed snug between his shoulder blades and the blanket placed over my neck. I can tell this is a friendship that I'll enjoy and hope to have forever even now, at this age.
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