I see her in every woman I meet

I see her in every woman I meet
That cheery smile which I cherished
And against which I only knew defeat
Because she was the first woman I loved.

I saw her in a woman I couldn't approach
Whose humor and affection was clearly shown
But I had too much fear and not a coach
So other ways we sailed by my cowardice blown.

I saw her briefly in a woman I knew before,
A woman I knew through circumstance
Who only ever thought I was a score
And stalked me wanting to get in my pants.

I saw her in a woman from a night
At a party where everyone did click
And amidst my immobile, drunken plight
Touched me in ways that still make me sick.

I saw her in a woman who talked big on romance
That I could only think was lucky perfection
Whose ruse was revealed by steps in our dance
As one built on domineering and deception.

I see them in every woman I meet
That cheery smile that will be my undoing
For it must be my fault I always see defeat
So I push away hearts too good for me to ruin.

I wonder where to go, if it's actually my fault
that maybe every love begins as scare of assault
And I'm just a fool too innocent and hopeful
Or maybe I'm condemned to solitude eternal.

I find the pain of wanting happy love is only matched
By the miserable pain of getting too attached
With those who would invade my head to excuse
And convince me that I deserved the abuse.

I see now why every love scares me away
Because I just can't keep my memories at bay.