CHAPTER 4: THE CUT

CHAPTER 4: THE CUT

 

                           " Sois ma belle déception 

                                 Oublie l'ange, deviens mon démon" 

           - Jena Lee, Mon Ange -

 

 

It wasn't the weather. He knew that. And it definitely wasn't the gastric. But he couldn't be sure and for some reason, he didn't want to know. He lounged at the single couch that faced the window and felt the morning sun warming his feet. Finding her shadow reflected on the darker side of the window glass, he could tell how pale she was as she came out of the bathroom without even looking. She strained against the wall, quickly getting to the bed before she would fall flat on her face. Her fresh scent of talc flowers and cool air made it known to him that she had spent the last half an hour in there scrubbing herself clean till her skin was raw. She wore the knitted shirt he gave her but her hair was slightly dripping with water when she was struggling to adjust herself on the bed. He put down the clipped papers he was reading and went to her. Her back to him, her shoulder shook like she was struggling to breathe.

He plucked the dry towel he placed on the cabinet just now.  

 

"The heater isn't working much. Dry yourself up or you'll get sick," he muttered as he pulled her to sit up. She tiredly sat up, staring at him from the corner of her eyes.  

 

Tired. She wasn't the only one. He was very tired as well. He couldn't eat. He couldn't sleep. For the past 3 days, he had been in and out to the city and the state's library. Some of the things he did for Maxim wasn't settling well with him. The chemical components that Maxim gave him didn't fit the whole article and there was more to it . And finding a good place to search for information isn't that easy when you don't really know what exactly you're looking for. Staying away was getting better when you have something else to distract you. But there wasn't a single second when he could stop thinking about how she was. It was a sickening feeling. Not the normal emotion when you wondered what someone was doing while you're away. It was more to the miserable torment knowing that with every breath you take, you're stuck wanting to keep someone all to yourself and dying to set her free as well. How is it that you want someone so much that you had to turn away just to feel yourself? 

 

He rubbed the towel over her wet hair, feeling the tangled curls lacing his fingers. A hand stopped him. 

 

"I can do it myself," 

 

And the white towel changed hands. He watched her ran it through her hair, not really putting her heart in it. The blue veins of her wrist showed as she moved.  

 

"I want to drink," she rasped. He got up. It was as though she knew that he needed out of the room. It was suffocating. Watching and waiting but not at all moving. Mobility of time seemed frozen. At any other state of consciousness, the result still the same. He opened the tap and the water hit the glass hard. And he stared at the turbulence. His mind was on overdrive. Laying low felt dangerous and treacherous. Something felt off. And he had the worst feeling that something bad was going to happen. Something that he regard with total uncertainties. And he didn't like uncertainties, especially at times like these. Turning the tap off, he strode back to her room, not before noticing that the snow had stopped falling and the sun was casting beautiful sparkles to the world outside.  

 

"Here," he said, taking a seat at the edge of the beside her. She opened her eyes and moved away from the headboard. She flinched when her fingers grazed his as she took the glass from him. It stirred an irritation in him that she still find him repulsive. All the times spent, making love to her didn't seem to change her cold heart. Her passion was like a secret. That was a side of her that he could only see in that secret moment. When her fight was no longer there, replaced by something innocent, it became obvious what sort of a beast he was. But acknowledging that he did the damage wasn't going to make him let her go. As much as he wanted to, he can't. He reached out and tucked her straying dark hair behind her ear. She stopped drinking and set down the glass on her lap. There were times when he thought, he could feel her emotions in the slightest.  

 

Like she'd understood.

 

And...reciprocate.  

 

Like...now.  

 

Touching her luminous skin and make believe that the ever so light pressure on his palm was her, leaning over to his touch. He made believe that her eyes closed at the same pleasure he felt when he touched her. His heart felt like it could just burst and his insides coil under him. It felt so dark and innocent. There was no fireworks. There was no light bursting through your veins. It was more a lethal injection, poisoning your nerves. A destructive mist and pitless darkness. It felt dangerous. And he liked it. He held her gently and kissed the small full lips. Her breath scented of honey and apples, shyly letting him corrupt her.  

 

She let out a muffled gasp. 

 

But he kept kissing the lips that was fooled into inviting him. When he pulled away, the trickling red from the cut lower lip was smeared over the corners of her mouth. Where her eyes shied to look, he stared and all that he saw was a way to feel reality. One cut. Sealed with rustic kisses.  

 

She was real. Uncertainties were real. And time was real. He was just afraid that he was running out of all three all at the same time.  

 

 

~*~  

 

 

 

As impossible as it may seem, Asylin was learning something new each day since she came in terms with the fact that her sister went missing. One of it, was knowing that her sister was a creature of with complicated mind. And another one being that she was unknowingly a well-loved person. Despite her insistence that she was not lovable. It's hard to classify whether she falls in the stupid category or just plain grim. Asylin leaned back on the couch, trying to block out everything that was plaguing her mind, namely, the messy living room.  

 

"Lyn...there's another call," said a deep voice. She turned to look behind her and saw her brother, Adam. His tired eyes told so many stories. "They want to talk to you," 

 

Lyn wanted so much to just cut the land line phone and perhaps just for once, 'mourn'; like many people thought they were doing, in peace. But she can't. Nor can her brother and their youngest sister, Thirah. All those condolences that come and go like endless long line at some year end sales was something she couldn't stop with good manners. The fact that she couldn't tell whether it was for her late father or her lost sister only made the matter worse. It seemed so easy for everyone to assume that both were dead and give the necessary condolences in one-go. It was just how inhumanly fast and fastidious life had become. She took the cordless phone and pressed the 'end call' button. Adam gave her a glance and disappeared back into the kitchen. Asylin tried not to stare at the phone and do anything with it. Smash it, crack it or even try to talk to somebody through it. She can't. They said that the more you talk about your sorrow, the better you feel. But it only made everything worse. And she can't keep picking up the phone, demanding news on her sister from Detective Jazwan or pouring her heart out to her fiance. And she can't call Thirah and our her heart out on the young girl. Thirah barely made it when the news of their father's death reached her just days after Lea went missing. Lyn didn't think Thirah could take it if she was weak and brittle in this turmoil. If Adam can stay in-tact for their sake, she had to do the same. She had to do more so. Just as Lea had done when they lost their mother.  

 

Adam came out of the kitchen again and was going to climb the stairs before she stopped him. 

 

"When are you going back to KL, Dam?" she asked, not really putting her heart in it. The muted television splayed colors over some blue print drafts she was designing. It was 2 months overdue. But she couldn't even sketch a new line over the stick figure.  

 

"Next week," he answered simply. She caught the sound of creaking wood. 

 

"You okay?" 

 

The creaking stopped. Adam was thinking. She could almost hear him think. But she couldn't tell what he could be thinking about. Then, the creaking continued and her question just hung awkwardly in the cold night air.  

 

She'd never felt so alone.  

 

 

 

The next morning, she went against her logic and called Detective Jazwan. She couldn't take the one week silence without any news about the progress. She was tired. But doing nothing and acknowledging herself about it just made her more tired. She called and took the brief minute to just announce her arrival without giving a damn about his protests. She just went straight to his office and demanded to see him without as much as taking off her Dior shades.  

 

"Miss Asylin,"  

 

She whipped her head back from the sound of the deep voice. He seemed to have magically appeared from the entrance as though he'd heard her coming. The sight of Detective Jazwan caused her blood to suddenly boil at the thought of how he could be slacking in finding Lea. 

 

"Detective. I see you're having a smashing time doing work at snail-paced speed, hhmm?" she spat almost immediately. As if to avoid any drama, taking account from the eyes that were darting their way, he pulled her unceremoniously aside into his office. It shocked her that he could be so bold but she was in no mood to think much.  

 

"Miss Asylin, I thought I've told you that I'll call you when we find viable leads. You can't keep doing this, Miss Asylin. Your distrupting our work by keep coming here," 

 

"Every minute counts, Detective. My sister could be dead or alive as we speak. If she's dead, I want to know. If she's not, I want to know that too.The last lead you had killed my father. And I'll be dead before any of you come up with any false alarm and end up killing my sister too," she said through gritted teeth. Detective Jazwan's jaw tightened and he stared at her with what seemed like loathing. She didn't care. She finally had that pent up fury out subtly. But she wasn't about to let him go. Maybe it wasn't his entire fault that the media got the wrong lead and announce her sister dead. But it happened anyway. It happened and killed her father almost immediately. It was either she take hold of where the situation was going or end up with her siblings losing their minds.  

 

"We cannot be held responsible for what the media printed. I thought you, of all people, would understand this, Miss Asylin," 

 

"When someone dies, someone will get blamed no matter how hard you try not to. I won't blame you. I won't blame the media. But you, of all people, should know just how far a grieving will take you. If you think your autocratic authority is going to patronize me and make me give you the liberty of time, you're wrong. I may not be anybody who would press your neck for results, but I'm not going to let you forget that I'm here," 

 

"We never did, Miss Asylin. Your sister's disappearance can't possibly be something we can easily overlook. We've never stopped looking," he replied, trying to neutralize the atmosphere. She couldn't bear his calmness. Mostly cause she can't be that calm anymore. Asylin tried hard not to let her welled eyes streak her mascara. She can't bear anymore pity and random acts of kindness. She'd had enough. She wasn't pathetically helpless or weak. "Then we have an understanding. I'm not letting a day goes by without any updates, Mr. Jazwan. I have the right to know," 

 

"For the time being, we're tracking down the last person she was seen with but it is still quite vague and we don't want to insinuate things before we can confirm it," 

 

"You can just ask me. I can provide insights," she felt herself slowly crumbling. Pulling her shades off, she looked at the young detective and felt a literal pain in her heart that this was how Ghazi should be comforting her. "My sister had alot of friends, detective. But just because you have alot of friends doesn't mean that you're understandable. And I have the strongest feeling that she's still out there, very near and very much alive. Don't you think that I don't know what's going on in the department right now. They're trying to close this down as soon as possible with every fitting reasons that could crop up. First, her being dead. Now...insinuating that she ran away on her own accord? People who ran off don't leave notes saying they'll come and pick up your laundry, Detective," 

 

He just looked at her with his dark eyes in a paternal kind of way. She knew the pity was coming at her at the speed of light. What would Lea do? She didn't remember her sister as an emotionless person, but...she panicked for a split second. Memories of Lea was fading. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she willed the tears to dry in their well. And when she opened them again, the detective still stood where he was, and for some reason, she thought he could've reached out if she stayed the way she was.  

 

"I just need to know why she didn't come when she said she would," she exhaled. It seemed like forever when she looked at him and almost hear his mind thinking. He should've known how hard it was losing someone. Putting back her shades, she snapped herself back like she didn't just have an emotional downpour with a stranger. "Assalamua'laikum," she bidded before getting herself out of the prickling cold office.  

 

Detective Jazwan just looked after Asylin's hailing steps as she brought her petite height into a confident stride. How can something so strong could look so broken at the same time? And one cut was all it took.  

 

 

~*~

 

 

 

In the dark, he stared at the shapes that took form on the wall. The dim table lamp torched the flapping sheets of papers pasted on the wall by thumbtacks. Something was different about the chemical component given to him as compared to the one he was supposed to be researching on. He hung his head on the heel of his palm, inhaling the free flowing air in the false hope of getting a clue. With the balcony door slid open, he let in the cold air to wash away the stagnant scent of coffee and cigarette. He had never intended to resume writing for this complicated scientific research but he was getting desperate. The bills need attending and the latest transaction was taking longer time than expected. The afternoon was left with him staring at referrences that couldn't be linked to one another and he just about had it. Lea didn't once woke up from her nap. She didn't even stir. He used to feel afraid that she might pass out in her sleep. But, it became apparent that she was happier in her sleep. Though it didn't make him any less worried. The cold didn't bother him. But Lea... 

 

He quickly turned his attention to the glaring laptop screen. Rather than wait for the client's next instruction, he'd thought that he should do more research on the chemical component just to be ready for the next step and demand his pay. But something just didn't fit quite right. He scanned through the latest journal he'd downloaded and pressed enter. The printer came to life, printing the 23 page article. He reached down his seat for the coffee he made hours ago. Clumsily overturning a few empty mugs, he finally managed to get the one placed nearest to the newest pile of draft he'd printed earlier that evening. But it was empty. Irritated, he got up to get a glass of water, only to divert his attention to the locked door down the shallow corridor. He forsake all the warning bells in his head. 

 

The room was dark. She didn't switch on the light. She wasn't on the bed, but was sprawled on the quilt carpet in the middle of the room. He didn't even realized how she managed to get down there a few hours ago. But then, he didn't even know what the time was. The books that he bought from secondhand bookstore was put into good use as they were all faced-down at some random pages around her. He assumed that she read them at some point in her boredom during his absence. He wished he could trust her enough to at least give her a pencil. But from his experience, he can't underestimate her. Weakness is a woman's strongest feature. Women are at their strongest when they're at their weakest. It's a weird way to see it but that's the unknown truth he came to uncover. He had to go as far as taking account that she would and could stab him with a pencil. Looking it at another way, it sounded hilarious. But, she had always been one of those resourceful girls. He picked her off the floor and cradled her close. She unconsciously hugged him. He felt his own heart stopped beating for a split second. It felt natural but it wasn't. Taking her to the bed, he laid her down but her arms wouldn't let him go. He tried prying her fingers off his waist gently but she moaned a protest and he didn't think it was a good idea to wake her up. he cut on her lip swelled, reminding him of the rare moment she was cooperative. Willing. Only times like this that he could see her as the girl he once knew. She looked peaceful and tired. 

 

Like the first time.  

 

"Do you know the first time I saw you?" he unconsiously said out aloud.  

 

The first time he saw her, in flesh and blood, she was like a fairy tale. She was in red jacket and standing in the crowd near the escalator of a shopping mall. Cold but unassuming, he didn't think of anything more alike to her than a Snow Queen, until her lips broke into a smile. She was...beautiful. But... 

 

"You looked so sad," 

 

All those time spent wanting to meet her and finally able to find her there, of all places. She could've lied about a thousand things but he would always, always find the truth in each of them.  

 

"I just...want you to be happy," 

 

I want you to be happy with me. 

 

I'll keep you safe.  

 

I'll always be with you.  

 

Whatever happens, I'll always, always be here for you.  

 

Oh, he really wanted to say all that. But it didn't feel right. And she was dead set on not believing anything he said. She drove him crazy with her cold cold heart. Making him do things he regret over and over again.  

 

"I love you. You know that?" 

 

She didn't answer.