every day i die

death hovers heavily

 

every day i die

and every day

i wake up again

 

it’s a repetitive curse

or a mythology of mixology

in my mixed up bar tended life

 

my cat or cats have cancer

i had it

my mother had it

they had it

they died

she died

they better not die

yet

 

and i’m still here

cursed

 

i wake up again

with the same ache

the same absence of love

the same empty spot

on the same empty pillow

next to me

 

curse the day

those mirrors broke

the diagnose took hold

the blood died

and i lived

to sing the song loudly in my hospital room

 

“i’d die without you”

 

but i didn’t

nah, i’m still here crying

 

i have to see the pregnant bodies

the fetus

the couples

the families

the conservatives

the white people

who all live a life that is beyond my reach

 

i’m the awakened one

the Bodhisattva

the angel with the crooked halo

for what better good does come of this

misery of mine?

 

hopefully i’m enhancing their lives

for me, every day there’s more bad news

 

more bills

more tears

more illness

more fears

more to contend with

can i please swap this titanium for china?

 

i don’t want to be strong anymore

 

i don’t want to be independent

 

i don’t want to be alone with this sadness

 

i don’t want to wake up next to this damned empty pillow

 

i don’t want to wake up sometime

 

to this

 

repetitive

repetitive

repetitive

 

 

curse

 

placed upon my heart

Reviews

[Haden]

what you live repetitive repetitive repetetive I've only just read. It should make you feel better to know ... the singing and the waking alone weren't done in vain. small consolation no doubt. still, such a sad write. i don't want to be either. thks colette.

[Michael Lasalle]

as I connect to
to this poem, I find your artistic
thoughts to be soul inspired, your
talent is perplexingly Exquisite,
Colette. my impressions on this
poem, in broad perspective, you
write of everyday struggles, and
reality, Generally speaking, I
humblely think that most people
can relate to this poem, in
varying degree, the passinate
emotion is overwhelming, truly
loved it, peace, mike

[Everett DeValle]

Deep and profound write my friend. Very insightful. ~Ev

[Julian]

Despite the pain and anguish behind each word, this has become one of your strongest and most poweful pieces! It begs to be read again. This is really well written Colette. Julian