I Fall and Cry

a major re-write of a year-old piece

While reading through some of my older works the other day, I decided to rewrite this piece entitled "I Fall and Cry" (formerly titled "And So I Cry"). This was one of the first poems I posted on WC over a year ago. The version right below is the rewritten version; the version below that is the original, written in either the spring or summer of 2016. Please share which you enjoyed more. Thanks for reading!  

Each morning holds its tearful streams, 

each night, a noxious pain 

that haunts my mind within its dreams― 

it pours its bitter rain. 

Entrapped within a hardened cage 

with wings too bruised to fly, 

my chapter's but a weeping page; 

therefore, I fall and cry. 

 

My joy is but a falling star, 

a transient delight 

that beams to life its pearly bar 

within the silent night; 

but darkness nears again to breathe 

its ever-lasting sigh. 

Again, my broken life must seethe ... 

therefore, I fall and cry. 

 

Today, I wake to see your face―

you weave me in your spell. 

Your smile, it drips with honeyed grace, 

uplifting me from hell. 

You twirl my heart within your touch 

until it spins in bliss; 

then, hold me tight within your clutch 

to feel your warming kiss. 

 

While all the world's a clam'rous noise, 

you hum with notes serene 

that let the seeds of Earth rejoice 

within their vibrant scene. 

Your heartbeat lifts each wounded wing 

until they meet the sky. 

For you, my inner bird must sing; 

therefore, My Dear, I cry. 

---------------------------------

Another tear, another day. 

Another time of my dismay. 

Stuck in this cage. 

Why can't I fly? 

―No hope at all, 

and so I cry. 

 

Another tear that haunts me so. 

Another smile that sadly must go. 

Why must joy inevitably flee 

―flee to a place I cannot be? 

Despite desire of feeling bliss, 

there's pain and waning happiness 

that smother light. These clouded days 

sadly seem to serve as my fate. 

And through it all, 

I slowly die 

and feel my failure, 

and so I cry 

 

Another time, I see your face 

―the brightening glow of your compassion and grace, 

―the comforting warmth of your embrace 

―and oh, the smiles they always make. 

Amid my tears, this feeling weak, 

I feel your hand upon my cheek. 

Your voice then speaks, "I love you dear." 

And suddenly, I let go of my fears. 

 

It's beautiful how your soft touch, 

your delicate eyes and words of wise, 

your tenuous ways and cathartic hugs 

always give me so much love. 

And this gift of yours  

you've shared with me 

through many solemn times. 

I feel so loved when staring at you, 

and so, my dear, I cry. 

Author's Note

Please leave an honest review. Constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged.

Reviews

[Black Jess]

wooaw ! I really love both of the versions ! it's hard to say which one is better , But It's obvious that the second part is more mature , it's like you used few words to express a lot of emotions while in the 1st you expressed all your emotions freely . Well done in Both !

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words, Jess : )
Much appreciated!

[Black Jess]

For nothing Will

[Raven Moonchild]

(applauds) First of all, I must say how much of an honour it is to have such a brilliant poet want me to review his stunning work. Thank you, William. :D

I personally think the rewrite is the better one. It has more depth to it. The original is a great poem for going back to for reference. :) Brilliant job, William.

[William Liston]

Let me say to you, Raven, how honored I am to have a brilliant poet review my work ... your words are greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[Raven Moonchild]

And thank you for sharing your amazing work. :D

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I think there does seem a maturity in your write when I compare from then and now. While you more emphasized on the rhyming in the earlier version, the rewritten version comes off as more thoughtful in the sense of metaphor usage plus the flow in it is more unforced (but that is how I feel)
The change in repetition is again a good one and I like it better in the rewritten version.

I enjoyed the imagery in your piece. You did a good job in rewriting it, William :)

[William Liston]

Thanks for pointing out that typo, Yumna.
Thank you too for your kind words and analysis of both versions. I agree with everything you've said.
Thanks again!

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You're welcome. Always a pleasure reading your writes 😊

[Quinn W]

I like them both but I LOVE the rewritten version! It flows much better and I think the imagery and loveliness of the kiss really shines through in it. I felt much more emotion reading the rewritten version.

I think too many people are too afraid to revise and rewrite their old poems. I have been guilty of that before. But I think it shows a way of growing and learning.

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words, Quinn; and yes, I agree with the second paragraph of your review too. While I was taking a short break from WC, I wanted to rewrite at least one of my older pieces ... I didn't initially plan to rewrite this one, however. I may do some more rewrites in the future. This one was fun.
Your visit is much appreciated ...

[Rochelle Delaine]

I guess it proves that its difficult finding true happiness in this life. I like that you followed through with the topic and stuck with the different actions that you made when you mention "fall and cry". I felt that it was appropriate with whatever picture you wanted the reader to get. Gee...I guess crying is no joke.

[William Liston]

Thank you for your analysis, Rochelle.
I'm glad you enjoyed.

[emipoemi]

Indeed the rewritten version reads so much better. Better musicality and better expression. You can definitely find a third person monosyllabic synonym of rise for the syncope of "again" in Stanza 2, being the only one of its kind seems a little weird, even more when you write "again" two lines later. Also, since the refrain now has been changed to "i fall and cry" the last line should also contain "i fall". "My dear" is a keeper, there I would suggest you switch out the "therefore" since it's not necessarily key to the refrain, and easily the "therefore" can be implied by the "my dear" if such were to start the line, and thus your main refrain can live and breathe as it should. But all in all. The rewrite is magnificent. Well done!

[William Liston]

Thank you for your encouraging words and for your critiques.
The first version was written while I was in the baby steps of rhythm and meter. You can find moments of rhyme and iambic flow, but to me it doesn't sing like the rewritten version.

Regarding your first critique: I totally agree. I'll probably replace it with the word "nears."
Regarding your second critique: I can see how using "I fall and cry" would make the piece more formulaic, but to me, the "therefore" fits better in that instance. I may, however, edit the second-to-last line to read without the phrase "for you" and then make the second line read as "for you, I fall and cry."

[emipoemi]

The "my dear" sounds better in the last line, though....and ending it on the titular line (that also repeats) is not so much a matter of being formulaic but rather a matter of power and integrity which would be added to the poem. Think on it, it's just a thought.

[Najam Us Saher]

Repitition of the line 'I fall and cry' is very good.
I enjoyed the flow and rhythm of this poem. This is very well written with heart touching emotions.

[William Liston]

I'm glad you enjoyed. The rhythm/meter of this piece (the first version) is one I rarely use for verse that isn't lighthearted and humorous, but I thought it fit well in this case; so I'm glad you enjoyed the flow. I'm also glad that you liked the repetition.
Thank you for reading and reviewing.

[Najam Us Saher]

Yeah I did. You are most welcome :)

[Hbrook]

I think that they're both pretty good, but the first one is my favorite! :) I really like how you flow. Just like a very talented poet, which is ou seem to be :)

[William Liston]

Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you found the first one more impressive than the second. When I first tried to rewrite this piece, I had no clue how to go about doing it, but after I wrote the first stanza, everything came together.
Glad you enjoyed!