I Fall and Cry

a major re-write of a year-old piece

While reading through some of my older works the other day, I decided to rewrite this piece entitled "I Fall and Cry" (formerly titled "And So I Cry"). This was one of the first poems I posted on WC over a year ago. The version right below is the rewritten version; the version below that is the original, written in either the spring or summer of 2016. Please share which you enjoyed more. Thanks for reading!  

Each morning holds its tearful streams, 

each night, a noxious pain 

that haunts my mind within its dreams― 

it pours its bitter rain. 

Entrapped within a hardened cage 

with wings too bruised to fly, 

my chapter's but a weeping page; 

therefore, I fall and cry. 

 

My joy is but a falling star, 

a transient delight 

that beams to life its pearly bar 

within the silent night; 

but darkness nears again to breathe 

its ever-lasting sigh. 

Again, my broken life must seethe ... 

therefore, I fall and cry. 

 

Today, I wake to see your face―

you weave me in your spell. 

Your smile, it drips with honeyed grace, 

uplifting me from hell. 

You twirl my heart within your touch 

until it spins in bliss; 

then, hold me tight within your clutch 

to feel your warming kiss. 

 

While all the world's a clam'rous noise, 

you hum with notes serene 

that let the seeds of Earth rejoice 

within their vibrant scene. 

Your heartbeat lifts each wounded wing 

until they meet the sky. 

For you, my inner bird must sing; 

therefore, My Dear, I cry. 

---------------------------------

Another tear, another day. 

Another time of my dismay. 

Stuck in this cage. 

Why can't I fly? 

―No hope at all, 

and so I cry. 

 

Another tear that haunts me so. 

Another smile that sadly must go. 

Why must joy inevitably flee 

―flee to a place I cannot be? 

Despite desire of feeling bliss, 

there's pain and waning happiness 

that smother light. These clouded days 

sadly seem to serve as my fate. 

And through it all, 

I slowly die 

and feel my failure, 

and so I cry 

 

Another time, I see your face 

―the brightening glow of your compassion and grace, 

―the comforting warmth of your embrace 

―and oh, the smiles they always make. 

Amid my tears, this feeling weak, 

I feel your hand upon my cheek. 

Your voice then speaks, "I love you dear." 

And suddenly, I let go of my fears. 

 

It's beautiful how your soft touch, 

your delicate eyes and words of wise, 

your tenuous ways and cathartic hugs 

always give me so much love. 

And this gift of yours  

you've shared with me 

through many solemn times. 

I feel so loved when staring at you, 

and so, my dear, I cry. 

Author's Note

Please leave an honest review. Constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged.

Reviews

[Black Jess]

wooaw ! I really love both of the versions ! it's hard to say which one is better , But It's obvious that the second part is more mature , it's like you used few words to express a lot of emotions while in the 1st you expressed all your emotions freely . Well done in Both !

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words, Jess : )
Much appreciated!

[Black Jess]

For nothing Will

[Cherrie Palmer]

I love the your train of thought and the finished piece of poetic bliss. Most lovely.
I don't know how I've missed your poetry. But, I will be reading on.

[tanmay7551]

Each piece is a worthy opponent of its counterpart. Well done. I would though love to read one more version... If you are ON!

[emmajoy]

' .but darkness nears again to breathe ~ its ever-lasting sigh. ~ Again, my broken life must seethe ~ therefore, I fall and cry. '.

The effort and time put in your first version shows its face more than well; tis carefully writ, its language finely put, heart displayed but is more formal, more traditional.. the beat of its drum is gentle, maybe just a little too much.

But, but, BUT William.. you wear that second version like an adored sweater, a creature comfort. It's you, smooth and emotionally aware.. not a creation but a shared show of how you feel, are.. how love has captured you and enraptured you, effortlessly. Love it

'.. t's beautiful how your soft touch, ~ your delicate eyes and words of wise, ~ your tenuous ways and cathartic hugs ~ always give me so much love. '

[mum]

the re written one is breath taking!!!! love the flow and rhyme! Brilliant work.

[William Liston]

Thank you for stopping by! I'm glad you could enjoy the re-write. I, too, believe that the rhythm, rhyme, and flow of the re-write is a lot stronger, so I'm glad such points were reflected in your review!

[Levi Levin]

I think you did a great job. It's never too late to build upon what we have previously built.

[William Liston]

Wise words Levi ...
Thank you for reviewing.

[richieb]

William,
I enjoyed both versions but the second write appears more tight and mature. I can feel your pain and joy and that stimulates feelings of the past. When you and any writer can take the reader on a journey then the work becomes personal.
You have the gift of expressing your thoughts and feelings. Your writing will only get deeper and more satisfying.
Peace,
Richie b.

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words, Richie. It's always a treat when you stop by and review my poems. Your analysis and comments are greatly appreciated.

[Susan 🦋]

Definitely the rewritten version. ( In my opinion) I guess I like the flow better..and quite frankly, the wording. I like the "mysterious feeling" from the rewritten version.
"my chapter's but a weeping page;
therefore, I fall and cry". WOW...got me, hook, line & sinker!...loving this!...This is truly a beautiful write..thank you!!

[William Liston]

Thank YOU, Susan, for your kind words on this piece. I'm glad to know that you enjoyed.

[Gaia Octavia]

Wow. I can really see how your style has grown and been honed in the time between these poems. That is not to say the original is bad, but the rewrite is so much more fluid and refined. It has a great rhythm, strong rhyme scheme, and is laced with the flair of a hopeless romantic. Smart structuring as well. Very effective to have the first two verses about "before" your love and the second two so grateful with your love. This gives weight to the thankfulness the subject feels and makes it feel quite genuine.

Favorite line: "my chapter's but a weeping page"

Well done!

[William Liston]

Thank you for your in-depth review, Gaia. I agree with everything you've said, and am glad you could enjoy my poem.
Much appreciated!

[Bala Gorthi]

I loved the both. To be frank William, the re written piece showed refined feelings to me and pleasing to the soul loving aesthetics whereas the first one was raw and original so more touching to heart. The second piece shows more maturity and depth.
Thank you for sharing both

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind review, Bala.
Yes, I can understand every bit of your commentary on how the original (though less refined) feels more genuine than the re-write. In fact, your opinion closely reflects the emotion I had when writing both versions. When I wrote the original, I was near the point of tears; when I wrote the re-write, I felt inspired, but I wasn't anywhere near the point of crying ... I also felt pretty sleepy too, haha.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing. Your words are greatly appreciated.

[Bala Gorthi]

The pleasure of reading and knowing you is mine.