My Wreath of Thorns

a therapeutic piece

A flower wilts beneath dark shade,

and life, it sinks to sullen art.

A tear flows down ... sorrows pervade.

A wreath of thorns lies in my heart.

Dark clouds entrap the sky in gray

~ they form before soft showers start.

Again, a tear must drown my day ...

A wreath of thorns lies in my heart.

Within these hours, the world has cried,

and earth in tears has torn apart.

A golden mask would fail to hide

the wreath of thorns within my heart.

The sun now beams amid dark clouds

in vain to make my cries depart,

yet still, my soul's in tearful shrouds.

A wreath of thorns lies in my heart.

Author's Note

The rough draft of this piece can be found on my blog ... I'd really appreciate it if you compared that version to this one. Thank you for reading. As always, constructive criticism is welcome and encouraged.

The image is from Google Images.

Reviews

[Relic]

I've read both and this has more of a flow to it. It looks as though you've taken the important parts of the sentence and put them on the end which I've learned is a correct way to write.

You've expressed your sorrow in a way that is smooth. I remember reading that repetition is good when staggered, but I like the repetition at the end of each stanza and I think that fits well.

There is a poem called, "we are seven" BY WILLIAM WORDSWORTH.
Your last stanza: "but still, my soul's in tearful shrouds.
A wreath of thorns lies in my heart." reminds me of that poem.

A great job here William.

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad this piece could remind you of Wordworth's poem. Thanks again for your review.

[Diamond]

Such a beautiful writing William.

"Again, a tear must drown my day ...
A wreath of thorns lies in my heart." I loved this line the most.

I understand that it comes from a deep place from the heart. Not just any poem that you write in order to write poetry. Felt your writing very much.

[William Liston]

Yes, this poem did come from a deep place in my heart. I'm glad you noticed. Thank you for reading and reviewing.

[Michael G. Smith]

Your verses like blooms on trellis entwined and the eyes like mind helpless but to follow them extracting their subtle meanings. I love how you used subtleties of the savior'S suffering to convey the intensity of pain upon your heart. If you would share your inspiration for this idea.

[William Liston]

Actually, the "wreath of thorns" wasn't meant to allude to "Christ's" crown of thorns ... I can see how you saw it that way though. Thank you for reviewing.

[Michael G. Smith]

Could you share with us your inspiration for this line?

[William Liston]

Oh I'm sorry ... My inspiration for that line came from a variation of my own poem "Roses Shed Tears" in which I repeated the line "I swear a rose can shed a tear." I'm sure you've heard the phrase "every rose has its thorn."

[Michael G. Smith]

I remember reading that piece. I know it well and have the song on my power ballad playlist. Thanks for sharing that.

[Stacy Purvis]

So endearing. Your raw, human emotion, the pull of the reader's heart strings... Beautiful.
Thank you for sharing a piece of yourself with us.

[William Liston]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

I read the draft too and while comparing, this one does reads with a good flow and coherent thoughts, especially the last stanza. The repetition really enters the heart and define the sorrow in your words in a poignant manner. I also liked the imagery here. Good write :)

[William Liston]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You're welcome! 😊

[Najam Us Saher]

I liked the usage and repitition of the line A wrath of thorn lies in my heart. Very well expressed your emotions creating the imagery of the dark weather. I liked it. Well done.

[William Liston]

Thank you so much.

[Najam Us Saher]

You're welcome ☺

[Cara]

i read this one and i felt it,
Within this day, the world has cried,
and earth in tears has torn apart.
A golden mask would fail to hide
the wreath of thorns within my heart.

i feel that the lines here shows your real feelings when writing it
i couldn't find the other one in your blog so would you please send me a link i would love to read it.
thank you for sharing this amazing poem

[William Liston]

Thank you so much for your kind words. As for the link in my blog: http://www.writerscafe.org/ColemanListon/blogs/My-Wreath-of-Thorns-%28first-draft%29/127707/

[mercy party]

i had no problem whatsoever feeling the coldness of this one, oh man! beautiful work.

[William Liston]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed.