Pain and a Pen

rhyming piece; similar to a kyrielle and ballade with internal rhyme

A poet heeds his aching needs;

if not, his heart would grow a hole.

His sorrow bleeds ... his spirit leads.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

When pains emerge and lightnings surge

in violent storms he can't control,

there comes an urge to delve and purge.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

He spills each word so cries unheard

can leak their blood upon a page.

His soul is stirred ― a fiery bird

ascends its wings beyond pain's cage.

It's not mere ash from flaming rage,

but diamonds squeezed from blackest coal

that gleam their brilliance on a stage.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

Author's Note

Please leave an honest review. Constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged. I would like to know if the repetition of masculine pronouns (although this piece is meant for both male and female poets) was distracting. I would also like to know if the lack of internal rhyme in the last four lines off-set the flow and/or readability in any way.

Special thanks to mattavelli for helping me edit this piece.

Reviews

[mattavelli]

Hello, William! :)
Eight syllable lines and a fun rhyme, I love it!
It looks like it was fun to write.
Your refrain hits like a hammer.
Suggestions:
In line two, replace "have" with something more pointed, like "grow".
While your thoughts are clear, your phrasing could use some tweaking where sections two and three meet.

[William Liston]

Hello Matt :)

I'd like to thank you for your constructive review. I really enjoyed reading your words of praise as well as the suggestions you pointed out.

Concerning your first critique: Thank you so much. I've been looking for another word to replace "have" but couldn't find one. I had "bear" at first but changed it because I thought it sounded repetitive (the refrain uses the word "bear.")

Concerning your second critique, how about this: He spills each word so cries unheard

Another thing I must note: You poem "Fearlessly" actually inspired me to write this. I enjoyed how in that poem, virtually every line was a poignant image and/or a metaphor, so I tried to incorporate the same style in this piece.

Feel free to make more suggestions.

[Nigel Newman]

William Hi. I was browsing and landed here ... and very glad to do so! I don't think you need to be told just how skilled this is. Its complex rhyme, scan, meter, etc just keep the reader chugging through at a goodly pace.
If I have an observation (I'll maybe read some more of your writing), I don't sense much pain from you as you were drafting or putting this to paper; I don't mind this one iota - one can have too much of angst from pain-ridden writers, but it's just that it jars a tad with the title.
And one slightly clunky line, for me anyway, was 'ascends its wings from out its cage' - something like 'will leap to wing beyond its cage' is arguably more poetic or lyrical and at least as strictly accurate / correct ... in my opinion.
But in the vast overall picture, I can only repeat that this is excellent. I enjoyed it greatly. Regards, Nigel

[William Liston]

I'm glad you enjoyed. Thank you for leaving a constructive review. As for the problem line, how about "ascends its wings beyond pain's cage."

[Nigel Newman]

Your call. I like the 'beyond pain's cage' fine but the pedant in me can't buy 'ascends its wings'. To be clear, it might ascend WITH its wings, or it might FLAP its wings, etc etc. Ascend, i.e. to rise, is what lifts / elevators do, or godly essences if you're that way inclined. Grammatically, one can't ascend an object. I fully appreciate that poems can take liberties and expect the reader to see the intent and enjoy the image - I do it myself - so feel free to totally ignore (I probably would!!).

[Nicole Laszlo]

Constructive criticism? You're good in my book. I will say, I noticed the masculine pronouns, but it gave it more of a classic feel to me than anything. The internal rhyme towards the end made it pick up the pace and I'd say actually improved it. A nice addition. Knocked it dead, man.

[William Liston]

I'm glad you enjoyed. Thank you for your constructive review.

[mercy party]

"the ash of flaming rage" i have felt it and now i feel it again in your transparent awesome poem! good write! art has always saved me from my ideals.

[William Liston]

Glad you enjoyed. Thank you for reviewing.

[FIN]

Wow. Powerful. Captivating. Entertaining. Truthful. Well composed. Each line, stanza, rhythm, rhyme, tone; just magnificent, Mr. Liston.

You captured the intended essence masterfully. "A poet's pen must bear his soul." Well put, Dear Poet, well put.

I wouldn't say "the ideal poet" given it only accounts for pain and none other emotional or humanistic qualities, but definitely a grand poet, to bear his soul's pain through the ink of a pen.

But than again, I guess that comes down to a matter of perspective and desired approach to poetry.

Much love, Mr. Liston, much love,

LR

[William Liston]

Thank you so much for your in-depth review. I really enjoyed reading it : )

As for the title, I have to thank you for giving your opinion. The "ideal" part does seem a little exaggerated. Being that I hate long titles, I may just completely remove the part in parenthesis ... on second look, it seems redundant.

Thanks again for reviewing.

[FIN]

Always, Mr Liston,

Much love,

LR

[BBP]

It was almost a biography of a writer penned into a poem. I really enjoyed this one, it had depth and flowed beautifully.

[William Liston]

I'm glad you enjoyed. Thanks for reviewing.

[Hyacinth]

This is.. hauntingly true. The way that you lay it out, the way that you describe everything and the metaphors are in itself a feat to be proud of. this is one of my favorite pieces by you, William. Without a doubt.

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words. I too think the metaphors are the highlight of this piece, so I'm glad that stood out. Thanks again for reading and reviewing.

[Tazeen Ahmed]

magical lines!
"It's not the ash of flaming rage,
but diamonds squeezed from blackest coal
~ it's passion's breath upon a stage.
A poet's pen must bear his soul."
At this age, you have acquired great structure and style of writing!
kudos!

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot :)

[Author Gus]

Well Mr. Liston; you are one hell of a poet. I am a story person, I like book and short stories and then I can stand poetry that is well written. You fall into a very select group of poets that I actually enjoy reading.
The attention that you pay to your meter is what sets you apart, poetry is about more than just rhyming words, you have to control the speed and intensity with which the piece is read. I don't know that there is another 15yr old in the world that could pull that off as well as you. Good job.

[William Liston]

Thank you for your lovely review, Author Gus. I agree that meter is important in rhyming poetry because it gives the words a cadence, making them dance in the reader's head. Glad that stood out. Thanks again for your kind words.

[Cara]

i wrote my first poem when i was really mad and deeply hurt. your poem brought that memory back. i remember that i needed to talk to someone anyone but i also felt that no one would understand, so i picked up the pen and started writing. ever since then whenever im really sad or really happy and i cant explain it i know where to go and what to do. i'm not a great poet but i believe that you are. thank you for this amazing poem.

[William Liston]

Thank you so much for your compliments, Cara. I also appreciate you sharing your motive for writing ... it's a cathartic process indeed : )

[Cara]

it is, thanks XD