Pain and a Pen

rhyming piece; similar to a kyrielle and ballade with internal rhyme

A poet heeds his aching needs;

if not, his heart would grow a hole.

His sorrow bleeds ... his spirit leads.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

When pains emerge and lightnings surge

in violent storms he can't control,

there comes an urge to delve and purge.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

He spills each word so cries unheard

can leak their blood upon a page.

His soul is stirred ― a fiery bird

ascends its wings beyond pain's cage.

It's not mere ash from flaming rage,

but diamonds squeezed from blackest coal

that gleam their brilliance on a stage.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

Author's Note

Please leave an honest review. Constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged. I would like to know if the repetition of masculine pronouns (although this piece is meant for both male and female poets) was distracting. I would also like to know if the lack of internal rhyme in the last four lines off-set the flow and/or readability in any way.

Special thanks to mattavelli for helping me edit this piece.

Reviews

[mattavelli]

Hello, William! :)
Eight syllable lines and a fun rhyme, I love it!
It looks like it was fun to write.
Your refrain hits like a hammer.
Suggestions:
In line two, replace "have" with something more pointed, like "grow".
While your thoughts are clear, your phrasing could use some tweaking where sections two and three meet.

[William Liston]

Hello Matt :)

I'd like to thank you for your constructive review. I really enjoyed reading your words of praise as well as the suggestions you pointed out.

Concerning your first critique: Thank you so much. I've been looking for another word to replace "have" but couldn't find one. I had "bear" at first but changed it because I thought it sounded repetitive (the refrain uses the word "bear.")

Concerning your second critique, how about this: He spills each word so cries unheard

Another thing I must note: You poem "Fearlessly" actually inspired me to write this. I enjoyed how in that poem, virtually every line was a poignant image and/or a metaphor, so I tried to incorporate the same style in this piece.

Feel free to make more suggestions.

[Relic]

It's funny that I should read this being I just reviewed a poem whose author released her feelings on the page in such a way.

Writing poetry--as I've said in the past in the lines of a poem--can be a bloodletting. A way of burning and writing while doing it.

Many lines here sing for ex: His soul is stirred ~ a fiery bird ascends its wings beyond pain's cage.

You have a gift for writing. I'm glad I can read some of it and enjoy it.

Relic

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words. I agree, writing and artistic expression in general can be a bloodletting ... such a perfect description. Thanks again for your review.

[Manu]

Beautiful writing! Amazing piece. This has that literary beauty as well as poetic depth in it. Well placed rhyming and rhythm. Flow is smooth through out this piece.
Pain and pen - I feel they have a relation like soul and mind. Especially for poets/ writers, pen acts as a releasing and coping mechanism when in pain. Pen is a writers weapon that can do wonders. A poet's pen must bear his soul otherwise words will cease to have that impact.Very deep and heart touching poem. I loved every single line of this write. Incredible writing, William. Keep up the good work.

[William Liston]

Gosh ... thank you so much for that lovely review. I'm glad you could feel the emotion in this piece and understand its nuances. Thanks again for reviewing.

[MsJewel]

I love the rhyme and flow of your words. I don't think the change of internal rhyme in the last verse was distracting. Your words stand well on their own. It's a pleasure to read such amazing poetry. :) Julie

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind review. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Najam Us Saher]

I liked the repetition of the line A poet's pen must bear his soul. Very beautifully written. Very true.

[William Liston]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Najam Us Saher]

You're welcome

[Mercy Fae Parizeau]

The rhythm of this, and the words!---drew me into this poem:

"His sorrow bleeds ... his spirit leads.
A poet's pen must bear his soul."

This is so very true, especially since each writer has a unique voice.

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Shannon]

I don't think the masculine pronouns detract. It's a rather artful piece. With a clear powerful message. A few places tripped me up.

his heart would grow a hole
(sounds like forced rhyme)
splurge (my brain asks for purge here)

Two minor things thst stand out for me in such am ornate piece. Well penned.

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words. I agree with your "purge" suggestion and I'll consider your point about the forced rhyme. If you don't mind, could you elaborate on how/why you think it's forced or is it one of those quibbles that are a bit difficult to explain (as we all have from time to time).

[Shannon]

I think it's the words leading up to it, growing a hole sounds way to simplistic or awkward, compared to the sophisticated wording in the rest of the piece.

[William Liston]

Understood. I'll see if I can come up with something better. Thank you for elaborating.

[Shannon]

No problem. I know you are always looking for constructive feedback. But actually, I couldn't articulate upon first viewing, only today.

[Rimmee]

William, I really liked your poem very much. I liked the play of words you have used. And I really appreciate the lines, 'It's not mere ash from flaming rage,
but diamonds squeezed from blackest coal
that gleam their brilliance on a stage
A poet's pen must bear his soul.'
It has been beautifully carved. :)

[William Liston]

Thank you so much, Rimmee.

[Isabella Ivy]

By the middle of the poem, I hear Hallelujah Chorus start to play, slowly elevating, then the triumphal end. I want to shout 'yeah!' for something so true to my heart being recorded in such a way. I can't Thank you enough for the read :) I.I.

[William Liston]

Thank you.

[Isabella Ivy]

You are most welcome :)

[Levi Levin]

William, this is truly a poet's poem. You did a great job young man!

[William Liston]

Thank you.

[Giulia King]

I love this poem! Well written! So, so good :)

[William Liston]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed.