Pain and a Pen

rhyming piece; similar to a kyrielle and ballade with internal rhyme

A poet heeds his aching needs;

if not, his heart would grow a hole.

His sorrow bleeds ... his spirit leads.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

When pains emerge and lightnings surge

in violent storms he can't control,

there comes an urge to delve and purge.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

He spills each word so cries unheard

can leak their blood upon a page.

His soul is stirred ― a fiery bird

ascends its wings beyond pain's cage.

It's not mere ash from flaming rage,

but diamonds squeezed from blackest coal

that gleam their brilliance on a stage.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

Author's Note

Please leave an honest review. Constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged. I would like to know if the repetition of masculine pronouns (although this piece is meant for both male and female poets) was distracting. I would also like to know if the lack of internal rhyme in the last four lines off-set the flow and/or readability in any way.

Special thanks to mattavelli for helping me edit this piece.

Reviews

[mattavelli]

Hello, William! :)
Eight syllable lines and a fun rhyme, I love it!
It looks like it was fun to write.
Your refrain hits like a hammer.
Suggestions:
In line two, replace "have" with something more pointed, like "grow".
While your thoughts are clear, your phrasing could use some tweaking where sections two and three meet.

[William Liston]

Hello Matt :)

I'd like to thank you for your constructive review. I really enjoyed reading your words of praise as well as the suggestions you pointed out.

Concerning your first critique: Thank you so much. I've been looking for another word to replace "have" but couldn't find one. I had "bear" at first but changed it because I thought it sounded repetitive (the refrain uses the word "bear.")

Concerning your second critique, how about this: He spills each word so cries unheard

Another thing I must note: You poem "Fearlessly" actually inspired me to write this. I enjoyed how in that poem, virtually every line was a poignant image and/or a metaphor, so I tried to incorporate the same style in this piece.

Feel free to make more suggestions.

[Gaurangi]

i love how you carry your idea/thought and hold it firmly till the end without losing any affection for phrases. however, may be you could've avoided using a word more than once in a sentence such as "spill". although it is your decision, it just wouldn't break the personification of language. lastly, if you could've added something between the last two lines because they don't seem to connect.
nevertheless, you are amazing and quite regular with your writing!

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words and for your suggestions.
Regarding your first critique, I agree with you completely and never realized that I had repeated that word until now. Thanks for pointing that out.
Regarding your critique about the last line, I understand what you mean, but I think the disconnect is fine being that it makes the final line hit a little harder. But nevertheless, I'll consider your words.
Thanks again for reviewing.

[Wajiha Nayeem]

this is.....
wowieee!!!
great work....i am out of adjectives and have to find some really wonderful adjectives to give and review them to such true and creative writes!!...
keep goin!

[William Liston]

Thank you so much. I'm really glad you enjoyed this poem.

[JessyJacob]

A poet heeds her aching needs;
if not, her heart would grow a hole.
Her sorrow bleeds ... his spirit leads.
A poet's pen must bear his soul.

Poetry is breaking my head, with hammer.

Note: All his and her are placed correctly, and the story I mentioned was around 1993 - 4, but its not same right? lot of changes in maturity. Hope you get the right meaning.

How many dishes of curry I make for you, remembering mom's and grand maa's style, still eater is not feeling full, even though with in seconds. I need to stop stove or just let him be hunger, but my mom's heart raises a little bit when he is hunger, to show anger, he says, mom I am fine I will eat, in this way atleast food is inside his stomach, and can be digested slowly, even though without taste.
DO it arranged, no need to call me, uiimmm.

[Kat]

I did not find that missing the internal rhyme in the last quatrain was a problem. The last bit of a poem is where you make the statement/sum up the idea or emotion or thought, so having it a bit different I find to be fine, even helpful. You're a promising poet! Rhyming is unforced and metaphors strong. The only thing I stumbled on was "lightnings surge" because of the double "s". Can you state that in another way perhaps? But it is a small thing. Well done on this!

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words and for your critique. I'll check into it. Thanks again.

[Weeping willow]

I loved this poem,it pours so much feeling into every line.Beautiful expression is found within it;-]

[William Liston]

Thank you.
Glad you enjoyed.

[Ted Kniffen]

Well done, William. The repetition of the line 'A poet's pen must bear his soul' at the end of each verse makes the poem. There is also a good sentiment to this that any writer would appreciate.
I would suggest a writing exercise, try this in the form of a villanelle, just to test your chops.

[William Liston]

I may just try that ...
Thank you for your kind words.

[JessyJacob]

i know hatred can burn but love can only make smile in face, I know how to handle you roughly, though you may be big like ganesha ' laddu, if you show ball I will make you clean duck out by putting laddu in your mouth which is very little opening than mine. I can bite, and pinch. what will you do with love, I am scared to sleep in darkness, I will turn on light so that you won't even touch me, on the floor, I like not to sleep on bed beside you.

I let my dog kyser to catch you, if at all you hurt me, remember 12 injections around your naval.

this is my chandrika alinganam with chumbam, ennan? Para! shekaran.

not lol but seriously.

[Great Aunt Astri]

Emotions, when you are young, are very all-encompassing and raw! You have written a very good poem .... thoughtful structure, perfectly acceptable HE pronoun, evocative word pictures. Altogether, an enjoyable read. ( You could try experimenting with simile's ... when I was young it was said that these were 'better' than adjectives1) I will come back to your site.

[William Liston]

Thank you so much.
I'm glad you enjoyed.

[emmajoy]

You've used such fine phrasing and meter for your poem that i've next to nothing negative to say. Your theme is a tried and tested one, the way in which a poet works his words til he feels they've said what he intended and in the best light.

' He spills each word so cries unheard
can spill their blood upon a page.
His soul is stirred ~ a fiery bird
ascends its wings beyond pain's cage. '

Did you intend the last stanza to have eight lines or did you mean to make it in two parts, four?

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words, and yes, the last stanza is meant to have eight lines.

[Anshuman Aryav]

Awesome and inspiring poem which will motivate each and every writer of this era.
Amazing poetry

[William Liston]

Glad you enjoyed.
Thank you for reviewing.

[Anshuman Aryav]

Most welcome