A Lily In Rain

unmetered rhyming piece with a simple rhyme scheme

There's a lily on the ground

that shines when it rains.

There's a blossoming rose

in a heart full of pains;

and believe it or not,

in times most vile,

there's a way for your tears

to gleam in a smile!

Author's Note

Please give honest feedback. Constructive criticism is welcomed.

Reviews

[Vria P Crow]

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

I was attracted to the lily image which is often a symbol of purity.

CONTENT AND FORMAT

The lily symbolizes the speaker's heart; it is fragile and innocent. Nearby, a rose is compared to the lily. In contrast, the rose is filled with scorn, pain, and sadness. Color symbolism is prominent throughout. White equates to purity while red is associated with passion and anger. These are two sides of the same heart; a yin yang. The speaker concludes with a sense of hope and longing. It is refreshing to see a young man pick himself up after harrowing experience. Maturity reflects who the poet is as a person.

SUGGESTIONS AND OBSERVATIONS

The format is simple yet effective with the rhyme scheme. However, I think the image of a rose is overused to depict love so I am unsure if I like this image or not. It is often used in sappy romantic poetry and prose. There is vague clues as to where the pain is coming from.

Is the rose full of pain because of heartbreak, loss of a loved one, or something else?

I suggest either selecting a different image or give more clues as to where this pain is originating. It will add to the poem, in my opinion.

This is more so an observation and me nitpicking since I try to avoid generalizations or cliches. Please dismiss this critique if you want to keep it the same.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Overall, I enjoyed this read. You are a talented and intelligent writer. I have read in your autobiography that you are 15 years old, and it is refreshing to see that you are an avid reader. This shows in your writing through wisdom and maturity. Thank you for sharing! I hope my suggestions help.

sincerely,
ria

[William Liston]

Your review was definitely helpful, Ria, and I liked how it addressed a concern I mentioned in the author's note.

As far as your "suggestions and observations" are concerned, I think I must clarify something: the rose itself isn't in pain, but the heart is.

In this poem, the lily and the rose both represent beauty and happiness. Their symbolic meanings don't contrast -- they instead mimic one another. Just as the lily "shines when it rains," the rose blossoms in a pain-stricken heart; both images show how there's always beauty, even in the worst situations. The rain and "heart full of pain" represent hardship, while the lily and the rose represent the beauty behind that hardship -- the "silver lining" in other words. Sante's review described what I was going for.

With that being said, I may have to change the second stanza to make the meaning clearer . . . I can see how a rose may sound too cliche.

If you're interested, I have a blog entry about how I edited this piece: http://www.writerscafe.org/ColemanListon/blogs/A-Lily-In-Rain-%28Drafts%29/123969/

[Vria P Crow]

I read the rose as a symbol of the heart. Thank you for the clarification. :) Readers will have their own interpretation, but it is nice to see this from the writer's perspective. You wrote it after all.

I will be sure to check that out and add it to my reading list.

In addition, I will be checking out more of your work. Thank you by the way for your wonderful review earlier.

[William Liston]

No problem

[θεά]

Loved reading this. Somehow one feels fresh after reading this optimistic poem.

[emipoemi]

There's always a light in darkness! Love the message, love the imagery, and impressed by the brevity. Brilliant!

[William Liston]

Thank you so much!

[Bushra Naqshbandi]

Simple, sweet and beautifully inspirational! Well done! :)

[William Liston]

Thank you.

[Paul]

I understood this poem completely. And I enjoyed reading very much. To me it's like a silver lining in every negative. Thanks for sharing. Well done!

[William Liston]

Thank you Paul. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Paul]

My pleasure.

[Najam Us Saher]

It was an inspiring poem. Loved it.

[William Liston]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Najam Us Saher]

You're welcome ☺

[Sira YR]

Even in the darkest of times, when it seems that there is no brightness at all, there shines a little light- the light of hope. That's the overall message I got from this short, but sweet poem. I think that this poem flowed well and that it was communicated perfectly to the reader. Great Job! I'll have to remember this poem for when I'm feeling down. :)

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words. You understood the message perfectly ... I'm glad you found this inspirational.

[Sira YR]

You are very welcome :) and thank you for posting this wonderful read!

[William Liston]

If it interests you, I have an entry about this poem in my blog. I also have this poem in my photos.

[Sira YR]

yea i kno i checked it out :)

[William Liston]

I also replied to your comment on my other blog post.

[Sira YR]

oh ok im bout to check it out :)

[penguin]

It was very understandable and flowed nicely. I liked the word choices you made to make it more simple and straightforward. I think the length was perfect for the message. I also think you did a fine job at communicating with the reader on a level that can be easily understood by everyone. I like the message here!

[William Liston]

I'm glad you liked the message. Thanks for reviewing.

[Lorry]

Captured perfectly William. Even in darkness, there is hope that can shine. So yes, this piece fits inspiration perfectly.

[William Liston]

Your words are true, Nemo. I appreciate your review.

[Lorry]

You're welcome William.

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing poem my friend. Create beauty and thoughts with your good words.
Coyote

[William Liston]

Thank you.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome William.