Shiver in my spine

I don't understand any more.

I feel myself becoming pissed off.

No, not just pissed off.

I feel myself becoming angry.

Angry at every little thing, angry at every human being, angry at the world.

I don't understand how I can get this mad.

Even worse I don't know why it is happening.

I'm a very controlled person, I don't let my emotions get the better of me.

Or at least I try not to.

I find myself looking in the mirror and feeling a shiver go down my spine.

Not even recognizing the person staring back at me.

I don't think I have changed that much.

Five years hasn't been that rough on me has it?

I have been happy for a long time.

Ever since I met Erica.

I haven't felt the pain of being unwanted or being alone.

The fact that I was with someone carried me everywhere.

I was loved and didn't need to be angry anymore.

 

My life has changed many times since then and I am sure it will change many more.

But why am I so angry right now?

I see it in my words, hear it in my tone.

There doesn't seem to be a relief for this frustration.

My job has taken over my life, and i have let it happen yet again.

Tonight I directed my co-worker in what to do,

Taking the lead even though i am no better or higher than he is.

I feel frustrated that i have to do this again.

I wanted to be a peon.

And here I am taking charge.

 

My life isn't the cause.

It couldn't be the cause, i love my wife and my son.

I feel like I am stuck in this malestrom that is pulling my control away from me.

Frustration sets in easier now.

Stress comes faster.

Anger is just beyond the horizon.

 

I don't understand how I can look into my own image,

and be afraid.

Seeing my own eyes looking back at me,

and having to break gaze.

Knowing who I am,

and it sending a shiver down my spine.

 

I feel like I am losing grip on myself.

I feel like I am losing the thing that makes me me.

I feel like I am losing my soul to darkness.

I feel like I am losing my life.

 

I am stagnent,

like so many ponds of scum after a hurricane.

I can feel the disease crawling through my skin,

The parasites attacking my brain.

I can feel myself losing myself to this anger.

 

I don't understand.....

Why when I look at myself in the Mirror....

I don't recognize the person looking back.....

Reviews

[Angel's Lady]

Is is winter where you are now? We don't have these issues in Florida but, from what I gather up north, deep dark depression / excessive misery sets in around the middle of October...frustration that it's almost dark before you get off work so you rarely see the light of the day, frustration that you can't go hiking or biking, frustration that it's so cold that it literally turns your chest into a frozen n****e wonderland, while you listen to idiots like me having "fun in the sun on the beach" and you see avatars like mine in short shorts, looking f*cking tan, I'm kinda mad for you right now. Or maybe it's just "that time of the month" for you...when I'm the most pissed off it, it usually is for me and that's when I'm mad because "you", a man, don't have one!

See, nothing should be taken for granted. Enjoy each minute, separately and individually from the minute before it and the minute after it...Embrace what makes us different...Savor what makes you feel alive and dwell on those positive aspects of life. Don't say, Why am I leading? Say instead, I am a damn good leader and this man recognizes this. Good.

Enjoyed your rant, Cole...Rant on, brother, rant on!
Great write, anyhow...even if it did stir me up, and, maybe, just maybe, because it stirred me up.

[Allison]

This is a really complex and thoughtfull poem. You must have put a ton of work into this! I really loved it. : )Sometimes I can actuall feel just like that. Anger just flowing inside like the rapids of a river, sloshing out every which way. It was amazingly beautiful and one of the best pieces of writing I have read so far on my journey to explore and expierience the thoughts hidden deep within a persons soul through writing.

[Rhiannon Dragonraine]

WOW! This is an awesome blend of thought and imagery, The everyday mixed in with the frustrated imaginings of a persons mind. Beautifully done, and though it is slightly disturbing I find it important to dicuss that which others would sweep under a rug. When expressed in a way such as this it is less likely to explode- there are those who would say that this points to something but honestly I think modern media and psychologists have made alot of us afraid to explore the darker side of human nature because they think it is a sign of psychosis or that a crime will be commited- and this trend is a pity because in order to repair that which does not serve us we must first understand it and face it. Peices like that are designed to do such and I think you did a wonderful job bringing most modern day workers frustration into the light! Well done and Bravo!