Lacuna 3

This is the third lacuna piece. The other two carry on the same storyline. Still more to come.

Lacuna 3

"Hello … can anybody hear me…"

The sun is bleaching out my eyes, 

Corroding the essence of this whole tragic scene. 

Where are you...

I start calling out your name

But all that comes out is a breathless screech, 

Completely voided of any meaning. 

All that surrounds me is a meadow of green.

I knew that we would end up here. 

Can't we just get this over with already?

I'm to tired to watch the trees fade into the horizon,

I'm to sick to see the grass be set on fire. 

I remember we had a picnic here one time.

Right over there behind that feeble oak tree.

On top of that callow patch of grass, 

And underneath the beautiful starlit skyline. 

But thats all just a sinking memory now.

I can see our little picnic basket become transparent

The wind took our blanket and swept it into the incoming tornado,

Uprooting the oak tree and sending it through the stars. 

I just sat there cross legged as the world was brought down,

I closed my eyes and imagined when I was in a better place. 

I snuck inside a memory that hadn't been erased yet. 

I ran underneath a cracking stone bridge.

A bridge that flaunted an exquisite deep blue skin, 

And a bridge that had captivated so many of my dreams. 

You were there guiding me along the edges, 

Every time I would slip you would catch me. 

"I love you" I said over and over..

"I  ov  y u " …

Author's Note

Reviews

[JohnnyMagrinho]

This is the best thing I've seen you write on here. I love monologues and contemplative speech/thought processes.

I pictured it all perfectly, and, I have to say, the music was a nice element to the writing, too.

Just make sure you amend "to tired -> too tired" and "to sick -> too sick."

I love the imagery you create in this piece. It's so simple, it's so simple, but it's beautifully poignant because it's important to the character. Already I like the character. The subtlty with which he is describing everything, and yet everything he is talking about it so serious and intense. That conflict of expression and content is a nice paradox and gives the character depth if not making him seen a bit out of sorts.

I felt a lot of green and earthy textures throughout the piece but I couldn't help but seeing a lot of darker underlying tones of grey and monotone, as if his present is not exactly as happy as the fonder memory.

I sense there is some kind of disaster or event that has taken place and has changed this landscape if not his mind. I like being told he's inside this memory, how it's not quite gone yet. It's as though he could be in a coma, or a lucid dream, or simply that his reality/present is too bleak to contemplate realistically and so has to survive within some realm of hope or optimism.

It's really interesting. I think you should definitely write more things like this.

It's beautiful.

[Laura Maidah]

The sun is bleaching out my eyes,
Corroding the essence of this whole tragic scene.

and
I can see our little picnic basket become transparent
The wind took our blanket and swept it into the incoming tornado,
Uprooting the oak tree and sending it through the stars.

I just sat there cross legged as the world was brought down,
I closed my eyes and imagined when I was in a better place.



Lovely. Really.

[Legolas]

Great job. It fits with the story line well.

[Samantha Lynn]

I love this. It's like reading a book but better some how. :D I am going to read all of these xD
great work!

[sienikeha]

like -->
"I just sat there cross legged as the world was brought down...
I snuck inside a memory that hadn't been erased yet"

[That_Girl]

This was... phenomenal. Definitely adding it to my favorites. The imagery is spot on and the emotion is portrayed well. Love this.

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed the story. Took the reader on a good journey into thoughts and life. Thank for sharing the excellent poetry and tale.
Coyote

[Mockingbird]

i like the line about you sneaking into a memory that hasn't been erased yet. that is a perfect way to describe the way i feel sometimes with memories i want to forget but can't seem to be able to.

[Jazique]

Wow that is so sweet and I haven't said this for one poem, all night but, your poem it deserves, excellent descriptions. Honestly wonderful job and I just love the ending. Well done.

[Lily Mae]

I got lost in the thoughts..the journey.. well written...xo

[Barbara Walker]

Corrections-TOO tired, TOO sick.