Eden

One of my favorites. (Everything is always picture perfect...)

Eden

You made me into this clay man

Stiff and lifeless, cheap and priceless

And you gave me a leash 

Attached to a clay dog.

So you made me this little house

Roads of cobblestone and beds of foam

And you gave me a telephone

Attached to nothing 

Modelling on airplane wings…

You made me this little clay girl 

Pretty brown eyes as blue as the sky

With her little pony tail 

Made of string 

You made us a little neighbour 

 Ugly and tense, so you made us a clay fence

He has his little Rottweiler

And his midnight tendencies 

Modelling on airplane wings...

You made us a clay city 

With a clay sun, and clay guns

People jogging down the street

Dodging cars 

You made us a hospital

Telemarketer calls, and clay malls

A veterinarian too 

And wooden beds…

Author's Note

Reviews

[Androglossia]

When I go to a writer's page. I pick the best title that hits me head on. And this one did. Did I sense desdain in the poem? Was it for the maker or for the world and the life around it? I love the irony of the poem. I love how you portrayed the word clay. Correct me if I'm wrong but in my understanding, clay represents artificial, bogus, deceit or anything related to that.

Your linguistic style is very captivating and great use of metaphor too. I like the descriptive nature of the story and you have the skill to convey images into the minds on the readers. Well done!

[Owlgirl]

Other than the brown vs blue eyes thingy already mentioned, this poem is amazing. Very well written!

[Shauna Jacqueline Ander..]

Pretty BROWN eyes as BLUE as the sky??
That's pretty much my only annotation...Pretty good, like the imagery...I do feel that the overall piece is missing a certain impact that I've always felt poetry should have... A little work and this could be one of your best poems yet!
Keep them coming.
Sian.

[Shauna Jacqueline Anderson]

Sorry annotation, wrong word. But do you see why I pionted it out? It doesn't quite make sense...

[Cole Hayley]

Ahh alot of people dont get that line ;p, its ment to be a contradiction, how everything isn't what it really is in reality. Its playing on the irony of "Eden", how nothing is ever perfect.

[Shauna Jacqueline Anderson]

I love that idea, but think you need to put it into a form that the reader understand. Safe.

[Laura Maidah]

I have zero issues. Pretty perfect. One of your better ones. In fact, I like it the most out of anything i've read by you

[nigrum homonculus]

I agree with gravity. The ending seems like you could add something more to it.
Other than that. I cant fault it. Awesome write.

[Celestial Witch Child]

Love this poem but to me the ending felt a bit cut off... Stunted. Great piece.

[Alicia Beavis]

This line felt a little confusing:
"Pretty brown eyes as blue as the sky"

For me, the ending wasn't quite strong enough to finish the piece. That's just personal opinion though and maybe I got it wrong.

Either way, it was an enjoyable read. Very nice use of imagery.

[Cole Hayley]

Well to answer the confusing line part. The poem itself is about how nothing is as perfect as it seems, that line is ment to be a contradiction.

[♥ Lexii Boo &hea..]

WoW i really liked this the word choice was great! it was really enjoyable to read and the emotion behind it was strong great write hope to see more