untitled

a portrait of an aging lunatic.

he rots at his window,
a stale cornflake man
with eyes like vulgar smoke.
behind his tree bark eyebrows,
he watches the children on the sidewalk
and paints wet dreams
of how they would taste
wrapped around his tongue.

this dirty fingernail man,
he smokes his cigarettes the wrong way round
and swallows the ashes.

Author's Note

This one just kinda sprung outta nowhere.

Reviews

[Jeanmarie Flaherty]

Deep breath. The fact that this is disturbing speaks it's brilliance on it's own.

I saw a photograph once. It was a shot of a dingy, paint peeling doorway, the walk up to it crumbled and was covered in weeds. The saturation had been pulled down to leave a gray effect over the entire work and there, in front of the door, was a child's tricycle tipped on it's side. It was ominous. Disturbing, left my stomach stormy.

I wasn't crazy about the emotion I was receiving from the piece however...it was intense. The guy nailed it.

As have you. Fantastic writing. I'm impressed.

~Jeanie.

[Ruth]

As spoken word, this would be amazing! A deep piece love.....potently so..

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

Sounds like a terrible person........well penned!

[Proletariat Uprising]

I love this, but I feel it'd be better as a story. Actually, a novel. Work on expanding this into a novel, and then give me some credit when it's a bestseller. You know, a line in one of the pages no one really reads that says "Thanks to blah blah blah".

[No use.]

chilling portrait , this man daunts my spirits to run towards the grave with nibble shaking legs!

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

chilling~ your descriptives and delivery drawn sharp~ deeply disurbing topic that sets off the flame in the belly of justice~ stanza before the last is an unfairy tale come undone and rewoven into the grit of the reality of these monsters in human form amongst us~
haunting trail of imagery~

this dirty fingernail man,
he smokes his cigarettes the wrong way round
and swallows the ashes.

[Ben Taylor]

Oooh man this is pretty awesome.
"with eyes like vulgar smoke."
"he smokes his cigarettes the wrong way round
and swallows the ashes."
Those lines are epic. Also, the descriptions you used were phenomenal (I know the lines I quoted were descriptions, but the other descriptions were exemplary too).
You managed to give him a socially un-accepted feel even without the lines about the children; just with his physical descriptions, and the description of the cigarettes, you give him a distinct personality.
The only criticism I have is that these lines:
"he watches the children on the sidewalk,
but not because he likes to see them laugh;"
stand out in the fact that they are devoid of the acute, radical descriptions found is all the other lines. It's as if you used exemplary language in all the other lines but switched to commonplace diction for these two lines. They do not detract form the poem significantly, but they are noticeable.
Overall, this is seriously amazing, however. A definite 100.

[Raymond]

Cole, nice work here...great visuals. I like work that makes me imagine the larger story behind it, this one did the trick.

[Grace]

Creepy.. nice feel to it.
I like the "wrapped around his tongue"
but maybe you get the line before it to be smoother?
A cool poem!