You See the Smile That's On My Mouth (it's hiding the words that don't come out)

I wrote this for someone I love very deeply. I hope you enjoy.

If soulmates existed, the first person I could ever think for my soul to belong to would be you. If we lived in a world where our names were tattooed on each others bodies because we were meant to be, you’re the only person who’s name I’d ever want to see. If I could listen to one sound for the rest of my life, it would be your voice, the way your laugh sounds like it’s my favorite song. If I had to pick one thing to see for the rest of my life, it would be your eyes. I’d watch the skies and the oceans behind your eyes until the day I can no longer see. If my hand could only ever draw one thing for the rest of my life, it would be your lips. I’d trace your smile, and your scowl, and your pout until my hand can no longer hold a pencil.

Love is not simple. It is not just black and white. There is no one road with only two directions. There are different shades of grays and crossroads in every direction, and if you make the wrong turn, or pick the wrong shade of gray, things will not end well unless you know how to find your way back. You’ll loose your footing, but you hope they’ll be there to catch you before you hit rock bottom.

My love for you is not simple. I love you for the simple things, but I also love you for the complicated things. I love you for the way your eyes light up when you talk about something you’re passionate about. I love you for the way you care, about your friends, your family, even strangers, people you’ve never met and yet here you are asking about them and wanting to make their lives better. I love you for the way you listen to me talk about things that don’t interest you, but you still listen because you know it makes me happy. I love you for the way you still make me smile and blush after every kiss we have. I love you for the ways you make me feel alive, safe, home. I love you because you are home.

            Love hurts, though. But it hurts the way your first deep breath hurts after being underwater for too long. It’s sharp and fast. Overwhelming and dizzying. But it’s the best f*****g feeling in the world. Because it’s exactly what you need. It’s how you stay alive. It’s how you know you’re alive. It’s how you know you’re going to be okay.

            I don’t know if I’m meant to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to be. You are the only person in this entire world that I will ever want to share my life with. To come home after a long day of work and see you sitting on the couch watching TV, curled in a ball with a blanket around you because it’s a little cold in the apartment. You’re the only one I want to dance around with in the kitchen while we’re cooking dinner. You’re the only one I want to argue with at 2 AM over what to name our first puppy, or if we should buy that new table because that said puppy has mauled three of the legs of the old one and it’s starting to wobble. You are the one. The only one.

Maybe I’m writing this because I’m trying to express my feelings, or because I’m trying to not fall apart. Because I’m scared. I’m scared for us. I’m scared that I’m losing you. I’m scared that I’m losing us, all of our memories, and all of our love. Because nothing ever made sense until you. You consumed me. I let you in, you tore down my walls, and I felt and felt and felt. I feel like with you, I’m living my life �" without you, I’d just be killing time. I don’t think I’m ever going to love anyone the way I love you. This kind of love, it only happens once in a lifetime �" and if I ever have to wait to feel this way again, I think I’m always going to be waiting.

I know I screwed up before. I know I’m probably going to screw up again, because I’m not perfect, and I know you don’t expect me to be perfect because that’s impossible and would actually be quite foolish of you to expect that from me. I’m human, sometimes I don’t recognize when things are wrongs. If I’m not paying attention enough, I won’t notice that slight chance in the atmosphere, I won’t see that there’s something deeper happening here. I’m not saying that I don’t pay attention to you or your feelings, I’m saying that sometimes everything is so distracting that it’s hard to zero in on that one thing that could be going wrong. And I know now that if I don’t learn to zero in on that one thing, I will screw up again and again and again. I don’t want that. I want to improve myself. I want to improve myself for you. For us. And you have every right to expect certain things from me as I do you, but please know that I am most likely going to screw up again, maybe not in the same way, but I will at some point during our lifetime screw up. But I will walk through hell and back to fix my mistakes. And I will prove to you that we are worth it. We are worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for. And I won’t ever stop fighting for you until the day you ask me to stop. I don’t want you to doubt us. I don’t want you to doubt me, but I know that you do and I haven’t been very good recently at proving you wrong. I would hold the weight of the world on my back for you, because I love you. I love you so much. You make me feel warm, and loved, and safe, and home. You are home. You have build yourself a home in my heart and I don’t want you to ever leave. I will let you though, if that is what you want, or feel that you need. Because I care about your happiness more than my own.

These are the words I haven’t said because I don’t know how to say them out loud. My mind is always too preoccupied with just trying to process whatever is happening. This, here, this letter is the only way I know how to express my feelings. You are the love of my life. There are not enough words that I can properly put together to fully explain to you how in love I am with you. In all honesty, I don’t fully know what I wanted to achieve in writing this letter. I don’t know if I’ll show it you. I probably will. You ask me all the time about what I’m feeling. This is it.

 

I love you. Always.