Avant Garde Cocoon

You stain me like grass
I’m getting used to
Not looking at the figures in the corner of my eye
They’re not so scary without being backed by reality
Alley’s wet, it’s fading
Just like the doves you spoke of

I’m not getting out of here alone
I’ve got a new cocoon to call home
I felt us metamorphosis while pressed against your chest
My heart buzzes like a fuzzy bee
Bursting at the seams with heat
I’m your dead little rose
Wake me up, pollinate me
I’ll be on your couch in a split second
Whatever you want to do, whatever you want to do

They wanted you to grow up into a doctor and scientist
And you really did
But still it wasn’t enough
I’m coming for anyone who ever laid a finger on you
That’s it

Reviews

[Betty Hermelee]

It seems like you are protecting your partner and taking him with you to your cocoon;"My heart beats like a fuzzy bee"; just like the bees behavior; Your love has been criticized, though he is a professional , not good enough for whom?..he has not lived up to expectations... how cruel.., but you will save him from that..."I'm your dead little rose, pollinate me" (great metaphor). Why should anyone care and scrutinize??? nice write!
Best, B

[Vertigo Cat1111]

Thank you so much for the kind review. It’s so appreciated (:

[Betty Hermelee]

you're very welcome!!!
Best, B

[Tricessimus]

A lovely capture of a moment and a feeling, rendered with delightful metaphor. This one lit up my dim screen, thank you for your contribution.

[Vertigo Cat1111]

Thank you so much. I appreciate your kind review endlessly. (:

[JayG]

Something to ponder: In this, you talk to someone unknown, about the result of events the reader has no access to, or knowledge of.

Sure, when you read it, those memories stir your heart and bring emotion. But will the reader care that someone they've not met may or may not have had a “finger” laid on them—or what that this unknown person is to you? Remember, you never invited the reader in. instead, you rambled on about the effect of unknown causes. And without context, what can that mean to the reader who has no access to either your memories or intent?

Look at the first line: "You stain me like grass " What can that mean to a reader who views grass stains on clothing as a bad thing? You never clarify. In fact, you make it seem as if they're desirable...or maybe not.

You know all the backstory. The one you speak of knows. But the one you wrote it for has not a clue. But shouldn't they, of all people know?

My point? Readers don't care about us, or our lives and feelings. They want us to make THEM feel, and care. They expect us to provide an emotional experience, not an update on our life history.

You write well. So...use those skills, not to tell the reader you love this person. Instead, make THEM fall in love. Make them envy you your time with him/her.

Make it matter to them as-they-read.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Vertigo Cat1111]

Thank you for the review. I write for myself and the story behind hidden is the point. Thank you for your time, I do not plan to change my proudest work.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

God, you are good...I wish I would have written the entire second stanza...all those images
and metaphors dazzle.
Sometimes we just don't live up to others' expectations...my theory is "screw them...be who we are and make the most of that."
here is a song you might appreciate...remember this came out when I was in grade school
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eTHNaBbRYw

[Vertigo Cat1111]

Thank you so much. (: your review is so kind and heartwarming, and I appreciate the song! Can’t wait to listen, music is one of the worlds finest arts. There have been many times I wish I wrote what you did. Thank you again.