Enveloping Ocean

‘Do you feel ashamed, when you hear my name?’- Phoebe Bridgers

I guess I was just thinking about how surreal you are
A shining blazing butterfly of a star
And you healed all those winged shaped scars
And I feel like a little kid again on this special day
The messes and laughs had at the bay
My pine fairytale
All the little dreams I thought failed
Now a princess
At an office job
Now your words are forever imprinted
Into my castles doorknob

That forgotten fair
I left it all there
The renegades scores were a scare
But you were always there

People told me to let go
But how do I let go
When there’s something out there I’m supposed to know?

Oh a heartbreak for two
That misty face didn’t care
But you do

My forgotten fairytale
I guess you mean well

And I keep catching my favorite scents
I’ve noticed it since you came along it makes sense

The mist of that face
The blur of the memories
The old ones bleeding
Graceful lace
A tongue that can’t catch up on the words

Because all it ever heard

Don’t fall
Don’t give it your all
Anyone too reminiscent of the ocean always leaves you too small
Don’t fall
Forget the mall
And everything you wanted to do

I had so much planned
Until the pieces stopped fitting
But hey, you showed up
And now my chest is smiling
My ribs are splitting

You were the warm blue
Ocean wrapping and enveloping

Finally a heartache for more than two
They said what was meant to be was a broken paraffin lie
But I know all along it was you

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

This resonated with me, and I think learning how to write with less of a passive voice will help you take it to the next level. This is poetry, you can be abstract, you don't need words that sacrifice the impact of your emotions for 'precision'. Look through this, look at all the unneeded words; wouldn't your words cut deeper without dancing around them with uncontributing fluff? Before you use words like and or then, ask if they are needed. Instead of saying something is like something, why sell it short? Poetry can use metaphor, it can use imagination. It is what you say it is, it doesn't need to be like anything else. We have habits in our speech that help fill time in conversation, they give extra clarity, they make us seem less absurd. But in writing, we can take the time to tailor our words, to be as absurd as we wish, and the reader is free to reread lines to a meaning that is there own. Don't let those speech patterns soften your deliberate written word. Ask why you used a word, and if it contributes to the emotion. I think being deliberate in how you use passive and active voice in your writing will help you be all the more expressive.

[Vertigo Cat1111]

Thank you so, so much! My poetry means everything to me, so comments on how I could do better is so helpful. I agree with what you said, and I’m very excited to try to apply those criticisms going forth. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to give some advice.

[Nusquam Esse]

Glad the advice is useful. I lack the time or emotional energy to do much of the socializing on here (I have kept a low profile on here for years), so I generally give mostly constructive advice, as it is sparse on here. I saw a piece I liked, with a clear path to improve upon. It was a lesson I learned myself, that after you write something, you should cut anything that doesn't fit a clear role. If you can say the very message you meant with 3/4ths the words, it will have a greater density of meaning. If you would like further advice, I am willing to give input; but I may be slow to reply.

[Betty Hermelee]

A beautiful tale of romance, suspense, that brought the poem alive. In some sense fairy tale-like; Some of your phrase were vivid images of what once was, and what is now. It seems as though you were almost ready to forget, until some magic happened and you were drawn to him again.
Very well written. Packed with emotions.
Best, B.

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

This poem captivated me from the very beginning which I knew it would.
"A shining blazing butterfly of a star" " winged shaped scars"
"Now a princess
At an office job
Now your words are forever imprinted
Into my castles doorknob."
This poem had everything, romance, suspense, fairytale, a clear engaging story. It's wonderfully written and has an ending worth reading. I told you before I am a fan of your work. Still am. Keep writing! tyfs

[Vertigo Cat1111]

Thank you so much (: you always write the kindest reviews and I truly do appreciate it!

[M. J. Smith]

Sounds like Beauty found her Beast! Romantic, bittersweet, ...
Emotions churning like that ocean you describe. But who wouldn't want to dive right in?
Well done!

[Vertigo Cat1111]

Thank you so much! I appreciate the review endlessly. (:

[M. J. Smith]

You are most welcome.

[Soren]

Wonderful images of nature and fantasy. The ocean holds such strength, mystery, and a rolling comfort. It is a great metaphor. A wonderful write evoking past images and feelings.

[Vertigo Cat1111]

Thank you so much. I appreciate the review and the kindness always! (: