21/12/2017

This is a really personal text, probably a boring one, but I needed to get it out my chest.

Today was one of my worst days regarding mental health. I was never diagnosed with any mental health disorder because I've never seeked any help (even though I know I should), but today it sure felt like I was batteling a huge epiosde of depression. 

First of all I had to wake up very early, which normally doesn't go too smoothly, so I didn't pay much attention when I was only able to get up 10 minutes before I had to leave home. But then, 1 hour or so later I came home, cold and hungry, and made myself some coffee and cereals and went to my bed to eat them in the warmth of my bed. But I didn't eat/drink it and instead went back to sleep. 

Later, my mother came home, and I woke up but couldn't get up, even tho I wanted it. Maybe 30 minutes later I was finally able to get up, because she had to go to work and needed me to do something, so finally I had my cereals and coffee (2 hours later).

Then I felt like going back to bed, but fought it and thought that maybe turning the computer on would help, so I did it. It did help not going to bed, but then I spent a shitload of time playing, time I should have used studying. I was like, yeah OK, maybe it's time to stop and go change to meet my boyfriend (we had made plans the night before). When I get to my room I think "it's too cold, I need to warm up this place and myself a little bit", so I turn on the heater and get myself in bed (huge mistake).. I fell asleep with my laptop on my lap and the heater on. Woke up hours later with my mother knocking on the door because she forgot her keys. I had missed my "date". I messaged my boyfriend right away, feeling guilty as s**t because it's hard enough for me to deal with all of these, but for him to have to deal with it aswell, it's pretty hard. The worst part is that sometimes I can't avoid it, and those "sometimes" are too many times. 

Now I'm here, laying in bed, writing this stupid, self-pitty text, panicking about the short ammount of time I have to study compared to the things that I have to study. Everything feels like s**t, right now, and I don't know what to do. Most of the times I can turn things around but right now? Right now I feel helpless. Bottom line of this? I couldn't manage myself to get my a*s out of my bed and couldn't accomplishe ANYTHING I was suppose to, today. And now it's almost 8:30pm and I feel like s**t.

I'm sorry, babe. I'm sorry, mom. I'm sorry, cat.

Reviews

[redalia]

i'm glad you wrote this. i know from personal experience that writing about things like this really helps. i relate to what you wrote, i hope things get better for you. today was one of my worst days regarding mental health as well, and i had to get up early, so there's that, too. keep writing!

[CoffeePerson]

thank you, I hope things get better for you, too. One day at a time

[LC Sanders]

I understand. Been there myself. Keep writing. It will really help especially when you go back and read it and think "What was I thinking?"