Thinking Again

more vent stuff

Thinking again, this pain won’t end

But the real question is

If my mind, my heart, had a switch

Could I turn them off as easily

As it seems you did?

 

“Coping,” you call it;

Running away, more like-

From what I don’t know

Though try as I might

 

Compartmentalize

Anesthetize

Desensitize

Try to rationalize

Interwoven lies

Pain hidden away behind false smiles

And crying eyes

 

I know not if you still care

If you still feel, what goes on inside your head

But I feel as though you act

Like I am gone, like I am dead

Are we at least still friends

Like you said?

 

You don’t write, you don’t call

Acting as if I was never there at all

What we had, I know was real

Is it so easy for you to stop how you feel?

 

Distract

Counterattack

React

You hide away as my mind turns black

I don’t know what to do,

Yet feel I must act-

Lost and alone, yet deep in my bones

I still feel hope, wild and untamed

Standing alone, until firmly stained

With fear, and loss, and pain

 

Such pain and loss I have never known

Though I feel it is now my home

If you want me gone, then simply command

And this bridge I’ll burn with my own hand

 

 

But just how do you feel?

If I thought it would work

At your feet I would kneel

And beg of you, be honest and real

Pride, dignity, myself set aside, if only for a glimpse

Of what in your mind resides

 

I thought I was strong

But proven wrong

I find myself weak

Wondering just why your heart I couldn’t keep

 

I do not think you cold, nor cruel

Perhaps I’m just a hopeful fool

For thinking that I could keep one such as you

 

My match, my heart, my perfect mate

If you just say the word, long would I wait

For the feelings I have will not abate-

To find you, then lose you so suddenly

No reason, no rhyme, no real idea why

Is the cruelest hand I’ve ever been dealt by fate

 

I try and stay away

Though my heart you still keep

Yet even when I ask

You still do not speak

Is this my burden, my cross to bear

To continue my life, never knowing if you care

Filled with doubt, loathing, despair

And every time I think of you,

Unable to draw air?

 

Thus I continue to sink

Into my mind

Standing on the brink

Hoping, praying, for something, anything

Yet nothing I find, no reason nor rhyme

Only broken, bitter shards of happier times

 

So my heavy heart I continue to bear

Wondering if you’ll ever deem it fair

To give me an answer

If you still care

Or don’t.

Won’t.

Can’t.

 

If you’ve built a wall inside yourself

Keeping every bit of me trapped,

Fearful your choice wasn’t right

That you might relapse-

Was being happy really so bad?