Rolling Stone

Old Drabble, possibly the opening or conclusion to something bigger. I don't know what to do with it yet.

The bluebird fell off a fencepost and landed on my feet, dead. Shot through the neck by a .22 rifle. I glanced around; a boy was clutching the gun, dancing.

 

His parents are negligent, he's doomed to drown in a sea of his own stupidity, and I'm in his crossfire. Disadvantage comes in layers.

 

I want to change the world.

 

I've watched as the tower rose--

 

As the curtain fell,

 

As the seas caught fire,

 

As the people became radioactive dust.

 

Presently, I watch the stone I kicked in frustration come to a rest in the center of the road.

Reviews

[Hedra Helix]

second half of this, from "the tower rose" is f*****g awesome.;) ;) ;)
I get that the first part sets it up, but I think a bit more personal insanity or precission intensity would help give that second half the rumbling drum roll it deserves.

You're aware im a big fan of editing and editing and editing;)

its all written well though, but that second part. wow.

[Don Coorough]

Darn this is nice. You use your imagery well, to evoke feelings and clarify point of view. May I suggest, you say, "I want to change the world" in one line. Couldn't this be said in a way that is less obvious? I mean as a for instance, and please understand, I'm not trying to re-write your poem for you, this is more of an example which, I hope, might allow your imagination to run wild. But the lines right after it are really evocative, and they end with a really poignant moment - kicking the stone into the road. I take that to be a sense of futility, or perhaps a sense of amusement at the frustration that comes from trying to be an agent of change in a world where everything is intended to maintain the status quo. So, can you find an apposite to juxtapose with that line? Maybe something like, "I saw the road, too uniform, too flat and straight stretching off into the future." The other part that I have trouble with is "His parents are negligent, he's doomed to drown in a sea of his own stupidity," because again, you are telling me what to think and how I should feel. But if you just left it that the kid had you in his cross hairs, we'd all get the point. See, if I were the writer, I'd cut a bit of the beginning, too.

"A .22 rifle's bullet flew, a bird dropped from the sky at my feet.

A boy's glee erupted just as the bullet had from his rifle's barrel.

The layers of disadvantage fell to the ground as I found myself next in the cross hairs of his aim."

These are just off the top of my head examples of how you might paint the pictures at the outset the way you did at the end, and to tie them all together. They are by no means definitive, only my personal taste. As I said, there is good writing here. Keep at it! - EllisD

[T]

"His parents are negligent, he's doomed to drown in a sea of his own stupidity, and I'm in his crossfire. Disadvantage comes in layers."

I like those lines. In fact, they made me laugh. Good job!

[Thomas Cuthbert]

This is interesting. It could be made into a short story, but I have no problem with it in its present form. Great work.

[Lindsey:)]

Wow. this was very well written.
It was short but it said ALOT!
I wanted to keep reading.
Good job!

[Karen666]

great piece

[Adela Muresan]

A great reflection of the human cruelty; and the helplessness of one intellectual.

Good write.

A.M.

[Collette]

Disadvantage comes in layers.

truth if I've ever heard it. An interesting way of describing the scenario...it made me have an "ah-ha" moment. In it's simplicity, your piece is a tribute to everything that is going wrong in the world. I wouldn't change a thing. It's personal, unique, poignant. All important aspects of a revolutionary waiting in the wings.

[lark]

This definitely feels like something bigger.

[vanishing]

Nicely writing-I enjoyed reading this.
lifes lessons-Rolling Stone

[Hedra Helix]

disadvantage comes in layers. thats so dope.