All that Beth and Tina wanted was a little bit of Halloween fun. But they got far more than they bargened for!
“The Corn Maze”
By Cody Williams
“Let’s
go mommy!” Tina, a 5 year old girl said as she tugged at her mother’s arm
leading her down the corn maze. Tina and Beth, the mother, were at the Grady
Farm for their annual corn maze festivities that only happened the week of
Halloween.
“Tina,
honey calm down!” Beth said to her overly eager daughter. “The corn maze will
still be there. We have to pay for admissions first.” She continued as she
picked up her anxious daughter and placed her over her shoulder and carried her
to the admission booth.
They waited in
line for about five minutes before finally reaching the front. By this time
Tina was ready to bite her own arm off like a trapped coyote in order to get
free. Standing at the booth was Lilly, a local high school girl who was working
in order to pay her way through college. She was wearing dark mascara and had
long dirty blonde hair. She was chewing a stick of grape flavored bubble gum
and was constantly blowing bubbles with it.
Lilly was the
girlfriend to one of the most popular guys in high school, Johnny Turner.
Johnny didn’t have the greatest reputation in town. He constantly wore black
jeans and a black leather jacket over a plain white T-shirt. Nobody quite understood
why such a beautiful and well-raised girl like Lilly would ever date a man like
Johnny. He was a mean young man. He has been suspended from school numerous
times before finally being expelled. Johnny did nearly everything imaginable.
He knocked up quite a few girls and was known to have a temper issue. In fact,
he has been in several knife fights including one with his old high school
principal witch eventually lead to him being expelled.
“One adult ticket
please. Tina is only five years old.” Beth said explaining to Lilly. She rolled
her eyes in a whatever type way and cut off one adult ticket.
“That will be five
dollars.” Lilly said as she extended her hand waiting for the money. Beth
handed her a five-dollar bill and grabbed the ticket. “Have a wonderful time.”
Lilly said in a sarcastic manner. Beth smiled back and walked her struggling
daughter out of line.
There were many
festivities at the corn maze. There was a place for making kettle corn, a stage
for entertainment, but it felt as if something was missing. In the far corner
of the area was an empty wooden table. Beth picked Tina back up and walked over
to the empty station.
“Mommy! Where are
we going?” Tina asked her mother.
“Hold on a second,
I need to go see something.” Beth said in wonder. She walked over and placed
her hand on the table. It was strange that there was an empty table because
this corn maze festival was the biggest event of the year for the small town of
Betsy. She looked up at the sign hanging above it. It read MR. GRADY’S HOMMEADE
APPEL BUTTER. Every year Mr. and Mrs. Grady would jar and give away his
homemade apple butter, but this year it seemed he was nowhere to be found. Beth
turned to look at Cindy, her neighbor who just walked up behind her.
“Hey Beth!” Cindy
said smiling. Beth smiled back and then looked back at the empty booth.
“Hey Cindy. Do you
why Mr. and Mrs. Grady isn’t doing the apple butter booth this year?” She asked
her curiously.
“No. All we have
heard was what Lilly told us. That they were sick and didn’t want any company.”
Cindy said shaking her head. Tina continued tugging and pulling at her mother’s
arm.
“Come on mommy!”
Tina said.
“Okay, okay.” Beth
said finally giving in. The excited young girl dragged Beth to the entrance of
the corn maze. They walked into the corn maze through many twists and turns.
Beth began to hear something strange. It sounded like the whisper of several
children and teenaged boys. As the sun began to set the whispers got louder.
Not only did they hear the weird sounds, they began to feel as if they were
being watched. The heard the sound of rustling in the corn stalks as if they
were being followed.
“Mommy, what are
those sounds? I’m scared.” Tina said as she now began clenching her mother
tightly. Beth stopped and knelt down next to Tina and whipped a tear from her
face.
“There’s nothing
to worry about. Now come on! The sooner we get to the barn at the end of the
maze, the sooner we get to the party.” Beth said to her daughter trying her
hardest to hide her fear. Beth began to notice the bright yellow cat like eyes
watching them from behind the rows. She put the thought at the back of her mind
and continued leading her daughter through the maze.
About halfway
through the maze someone stepped out from behind the rows. Beth and Tina
stopped and looked back. It was a young man. Probably around the age of 16
years old. He was wearing blue jeans and a black leather jacket over a plain
white T-shirt. Beth recognized the boy. His name was Billy Little. He was the
best friend to Johnny Turner. Knowing that if he was around, Johnny wouldn’t be
far behind, she picked up Tina and put her over her shoulder. She began slowly
backing up. Billy then reached into his pocket and pulled out a switchblade pocketknife
and pushed the button that released the blade. He placed the blade up next to
his throat and made a gesture that deeply disturbed Beth. The gesture of
slicing her throat. Beth gasped and ran though the corn maze.
With every turn
they took a different member of Johnny’s “gang” appeared holding a switchblade.
They continued running through the corn maze until finally reaching the barn.
Their hearts felt as if it was going to explode out of their chests. Tina began
crying again. It felt as if at least twenty of them were chasing them. Beth
quickly opened up the barn door and slammed it shut. Finally catching their
breath Beth placed Tina on the wooden floor and whipped the tears from her
eyes.
“It’s okay honey! Everything’s
alright now!” Beth assured her daughter. Just then, she began to smell
something strange. A smell that was strong enough to turn her stomach. It was
the sickening smell of rotting flesh. Beth turned around to the hey bell across
from her where laid the bloody severed remains of Mr. and Mrs. Grady. Beth
shoved Tina behind her and covered her nose and face with her free hand. Standing
above them was none other than Johnny Turner in his signature black jeans and
leather jacket. He pulled out a switchblade knife and pointed it at Beth.
“Now this is a
party.” Johnny said with a wicked smile as Beth began screaming a chilling cry
of help.
Not a bad Halloween tale, but not great, either. A few things that bugged me:
Why the description of Lilly and her relationship to her boyfriend? While it may serve to introduce the boyfriend, it was completely unnecessary to the story. If you were to make her a more central character, then it would make more sense in the context of the rest of the story.
Secondly, why? What was the point of Johnny Turner's actions? It's one thing to have unexplained actions when dealing with the supernatural - that's expected since we don't understand the supernatural. But people, on the other hand, are well understood. And people always have reasons to do what they do, whether it may sound crazy or logical. If you know WHY Johnny Turner is doing what he's doing, then you'll know how to make this a much more frightening tale. And a solidly crafted reason would clarify why his girlfriend would go along with psychotic behavior when a normal person would run like hell.
Posted 11 Years Ago
3 of 3 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Simply because I would not be one to call them "normal." Why do serial killers do what they do? Ther.. read moreSimply because I would not be one to call them "normal." Why do serial killers do what they do? There are many reasons, but what it comes down to is they are "not all there." Thanks for reading it.
-CW
11 Years Ago
You are right, to a point. Killers aren't "normal". But I wouldn't say that they "aren't all there"... read moreYou are right, to a point. Killers aren't "normal". But I wouldn't say that they "aren't all there". Many of the most horrific killers in history were downright brilliant at planning their kills, and were far more intelligent than most of the rest of us. Even those that were "driven" to kill had a rationale for what they did, regardless of if we thought it rational or not. (I've done a lot of reading on the subject of serial killers, and the mentality is often disturbingly like our own, just without the moral guards that separate us from animals.)
What I am getting at is that even the most deranged, have a motive, a reason, for what they do. It may be that they were abused as children and want control, or revenge, or maybe they just enjoy killing and torture. Even the fact that they are deranged is a reason. All of these reasons are valid, along with book loads of other reasons why they would. (Ask any psychologist, and they will tell you that the reasons 'why' are just as numerous than the killers themselves)
Apply this to your story - you have no indications that the girlfriend is anything more than a pretty, and typically arrogant, teenage girl. She is a ticket seller in the story, and not much more. Make her more central, have her do more (preferably something vicious), give a clue to her lack of sanity, and there you go - that issue solved. Why is Johnny Turner doing what he's doing? A little background on him, maybe a little bit about his psychosis, would make him far more frightening than he is now.
When it comes to strictly 'human' horror, "just because" is the weakest excuse there is for reasoning. As a writer, you should know -why- your characters are psycho. You don't have to (and in most cases shouldn't) spell it out for the reader. Let them see a little bit into the minds of your psycho, and let them fill in the rest. It is much, much more effective that way.
Yes, it is rather sinister. All the more sinister for the 'realism' of the story, the little girl, the mother and the real life poeple. Do you know, I would have prefered it if the y had been sme sort of fictional monsters! I'm afraid it was a bit too sinister for me ... unless you had got some sort of Superman hero leap in at the end. But each to their own. I never did like horror stories.
Was the point of this story to make the reader afraid of corn mazes? If so, I'm not convinced.
There are several spelling errors that were, ironically, scarier than the story itself. HOMMEADE APPEL BUTTER. Do you mean "Homemade Apple Butter"?
The descriptions of the characters are too choppy. You have too many sentences about Lilly. She was doing this and she was doing that - and she was only in the story for about two seconds. The reader doesn't care about Lilly. It seems like you're putting her in there to introduce her boyfriend Johnny, but you could figure out another way to introduce him, or give Lilly more "screen time."
"Johnny did nearly everything imaginable." When I read that sentence, I imagined him skydiving, horseback riding, maybe a little ballet (I like ballerina Johnny) and skateboarding. What kind of character is Johnny supposed to be? The bad guy, according to the rest of the story - but his description opened up way too much interpretation for me as the reader and I was confused, as well as far from frightened of Johnny.
And where are all the people? This sounds like a big event. Beth and Tina had to wait in line for five minutes before getting tickets, and I'd imagine there are people behind them, too. Apparently there were many festivities - it's a busy place! Where are the other families? Or is it just overrun with children and teenagers? If so, mention it. Right now it just seems like a normal corn maze, but add some oddities. That way the reader can expect something thrilling and scary to happen, they can be scared for the characters before they even enter the corn maze.
This story seems like something I would hear about in the news. "Mother and Daughter Go to Corn Maze, Killed by Johnny the Ballerina." Not scary, just sad. With the proper attention to spelling and mechanics, you can turn this into a better, more terrifying story. Nice start, but definitely not a final draft.
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Nothing I EVER put on here is a final draft. It's always the first draft! Thanks for reading!
.. read moreNothing I EVER put on here is a final draft. It's always the first draft! Thanks for reading!
definitely sinister. Corn mazes are terrifying to begin with and that sound of several children and teenagers is a wonderful capture of how they do sound
Not a bad Halloween tale, but not great, either. A few things that bugged me:
Why the description of Lilly and her relationship to her boyfriend? While it may serve to introduce the boyfriend, it was completely unnecessary to the story. If you were to make her a more central character, then it would make more sense in the context of the rest of the story.
Secondly, why? What was the point of Johnny Turner's actions? It's one thing to have unexplained actions when dealing with the supernatural - that's expected since we don't understand the supernatural. But people, on the other hand, are well understood. And people always have reasons to do what they do, whether it may sound crazy or logical. If you know WHY Johnny Turner is doing what he's doing, then you'll know how to make this a much more frightening tale. And a solidly crafted reason would clarify why his girlfriend would go along with psychotic behavior when a normal person would run like hell.
Posted 11 Years Ago
3 of 3 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Simply because I would not be one to call them "normal." Why do serial killers do what they do? Ther.. read moreSimply because I would not be one to call them "normal." Why do serial killers do what they do? There are many reasons, but what it comes down to is they are "not all there." Thanks for reading it.
-CW
11 Years Ago
You are right, to a point. Killers aren't "normal". But I wouldn't say that they "aren't all there"... read moreYou are right, to a point. Killers aren't "normal". But I wouldn't say that they "aren't all there". Many of the most horrific killers in history were downright brilliant at planning their kills, and were far more intelligent than most of the rest of us. Even those that were "driven" to kill had a rationale for what they did, regardless of if we thought it rational or not. (I've done a lot of reading on the subject of serial killers, and the mentality is often disturbingly like our own, just without the moral guards that separate us from animals.)
What I am getting at is that even the most deranged, have a motive, a reason, for what they do. It may be that they were abused as children and want control, or revenge, or maybe they just enjoy killing and torture. Even the fact that they are deranged is a reason. All of these reasons are valid, along with book loads of other reasons why they would. (Ask any psychologist, and they will tell you that the reasons 'why' are just as numerous than the killers themselves)
Apply this to your story - you have no indications that the girlfriend is anything more than a pretty, and typically arrogant, teenage girl. She is a ticket seller in the story, and not much more. Make her more central, have her do more (preferably something vicious), give a clue to her lack of sanity, and there you go - that issue solved. Why is Johnny Turner doing what he's doing? A little background on him, maybe a little bit about his psychosis, would make him far more frightening than he is now.
When it comes to strictly 'human' horror, "just because" is the weakest excuse there is for reasoning. As a writer, you should know -why- your characters are psycho. You don't have to (and in most cases shouldn't) spell it out for the reader. Let them see a little bit into the minds of your psycho, and let them fill in the rest. It is much, much more effective that way.
A nice introduction to the Minotaur ... who takes over from mom and dad ... in the growing experience of youth. But then no decent labyrinth should be without one. Insightful Cody ... there's talent in them thar fingers.
I am in my second year at Carson-Newman University in Jefferson City, Tennessee were I major in instrumental music education and minor in English. My passions include playing the trombone/euphonium an.. more..