"Disconnected"

Kathy recieves a phone call from her distressed grandson before getting Disconnected.

“Disconnected”

By Cody Williams

 

            Kathy Little gave Mathew, her husband of twenty years, a kiss, greeting him as he walked in the door. He placed his brief case that contained the novel he was working on, on the side table next to the front door and hugged his wife. They let go of each other and Mathew walks past the entryway into the kitchen. Kate followed as Mathew picked up his brief case and loosened his tie.

            “What are you doing honey?” Kathy asked her husband. Mathew paused for a moment and unbuttoned the top two buttons on his white and blue button up dress shirt.

            “Into my office to work on my lesson plan for tomorrow. Then to finish the novel.” Mathew said picking up his brief case again and walking out of the kitchen and into his home office. He shut the door behind him as Kathy walked back over to the front door and gabbed her mop again.

            She placed her mop on the hard white tile floor and began moping it. She began to hear a noise come from her and Mathew’s bedroom. It sounds like the typical Verizon ringtone, Verizon Airwaves.

            “S**t! I must have left my phone in my purse.” Kathy said leaning the mop back up against the wall. Kathy untied her apron and threw it across the kitchen and walked out of the kitchen into the hallway leading to Her and Mathew’s bedroom. She walked into the bedroom and bent over grabbing her pocket book and dropped it on the bed. The phone stopped ringing as she began digging through her purse looking for her phone.

            She pulled one item after another first pulling out her wallet and car keys. After about five minutes of digging though her purse she finally grabbed her phone out of it.

            Kathy lifted up the screen half of the phone revealing that she had five missed calls. She clicked the OK button choosing the view now option revealing that the person who has called her numerous times was her grandson Daniel.  Daniel was sixteen years old and was about three feet taller than his grandmother.

            Kathy then clicked the red END button and went two the contact list. Her phone began to ring again. She glanced down at the screen that read DANEIL and immediently pressed the TALK button answering the phone.

            “Hello?” Kathy asked with worry in her voice.

            “Mamaw? Mamaw?” Daniel’s voice trembled from the other end of the line.

            “Daniel? Sweaty what’s wrong?” Kathy asked worried. He paused for a moment and then she could hear him take a deep breath.

            “Mamaw? You have to come!” Daniel told her.

            “Danny, you are not making any since! Where do I have to go? Danny what’s wrong?” Kathy said as bullets of sweat began pouring down her face. Kathy began raising her voice as she was gripping in her armchair waiting for a response.

            “Mamaw! You have to come now!” Daniel’s voice said prior to the line going dead.

            “Danny? Danny? Danny! Please Danny! Please!” Kathy said as she put her right hand on her fore head whipping off the sweat and begging for a response. She heard three tones as the operator then came on the line.

            “I’m sorry, the number you have called has been disconnected. Please hang up and try calling again. Goodbye.” The operator said as chill ran up and down Kathy’s spine and her hands began to tremble and shake. It felt as if her heart was going to explode out of her chest. Kathy imminently pressed the END button and then went to contacts in search of Danny’s name. She clicked on DANNY and pressed the SEND button.

            Kathy impatiently waited for the phone to start ringing. She began tapping her fingers along her desk and was quite jittery as if she just finished six cans of Red Bull. The three dial tones came over the speaker once more followed by the annoying voice of the operator.

            “I’m sorry…” The operator said prior to Kate forcefully pressing the end button. Kate closed her cell phone and walked out of the bedroom, down the hall and knocked on Mathew’s office door.

            “Matt! Honey! Open up! It’s Danny!” Mathew fell out of his computer chair and reached up to turn the doorknob. The door swung open as Kathy entered the room.

            “What? What is it? What’s wrong with Danny?” Mathew asked picking himself back off of the floor and dusting himself off. Kathy began to cry.

            “I don’t know for sure.” Kathy told him. “Danny called me and said ‘Mammaw? Mammaw? You have to come now!’” She told him. Burt looked down and then back up at Kathy with a face of worry and dread.

            “Have you tried calling him back?” Mathew asked her.

            “Yes, but that damn operator comes on the like and says that the number was disconnected. Mathew reached up and whipped seat off of his face.

            “Well, have you tried calling Rachel and Aaron?” He asked her. Rachel is their daughter and Aaron is their son in law. The family has been having trouble ever since Aaron lost his job at the factory. Ever since then they would have to loan Rachel and Aaron money on a regular basis.

            “No. I’ll try that!” Kathy said grabbing her cell phone back out of her pocket and flipping it back up. She went to contacts again and selected RACHEL’S name and pressed SEND. The phone rang for several moments before Rachel answered.

            “Hello?” Rachel said answering the phone.

            “Rachel! Thank God! Are you okay?” Kathy asked her daughter.

            “Yeah Mom. We are okay. Why do you ask.” Rachel asked her mother.

            “Because I just got this really strange phone call of Danny saying ‘Mammaw! You have to come! You have to come now!’ Is Danny okay?” She asked.

            “Yeah he’s fi…” Rachel started as she then screamed and the line went dead and the same operator came over the speaker.

            “I’m sorry…” The operator started again. Chills once again ran up and down Kathy’s spine. She pressed the END button and went to the contact lists once more. She scrolled down clicking on AARON’S name and pressed SEND.

            The phone rang for several minutes before Aaron answered.

            “Hello?” The voice of Aaron said. His voice was quite different. I sounded as if he was crying.

            “Aaron what’s wrong? What’s going on over there?” Kathy asked with worry.

            “I can’t Kathy! I can’t!” Aaron said on the other end of the line.

            “Aaron? You can’t what?” Kathy asked him.

            “I can’t live like this any more! Me and my family can’t keep mooching off of you and Matt!” Aaron said. Kathy, speechless, just stood there and held the phone.

            “I am so sorry.” He said as gunshot went off in the background and the line went dead. The operator came on the line for a final time.

            “I’m sorry the number you have called has been disconnected.” The operator said as Kathy hung up the phone and began sobbing.

 

Copyright 2013 by Cody Williams

Courtesy of TRUE TERROR PUBLICATIONS

A divison of TTP Entertainment

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Author's Note

The origonal name for this story was "A Missed Call." I feel that "Disconnected" suites it a lot better. I'm not going to say this is my best, but I do feel that it can certainly stand beside some of my bes. So please leave me a review and tell me what you think!

-CW

Reviews

[Astro]

I can see that some reviewers have pointed out the spelling errors and verb tenses so I will leave off of that but there were a couple of other things that should be pointed out for correction.

" “I don’t know for sure.” Kathy told him. “Danny called me and said ‘Mammaw? Mammaw? You have to come now!’” She told him. Burt looked down and then back up at Kathy with a face of worry and dread. "

Who is Burt?

The description of the grandson and his dialogue is odd. If he were truly 3 feet taller than his grandmother, he must be really tall. She would have to be 3 foot something for him to be in realistic range. So if this was an attempt at hyperbole or exaggeration, may I suggest something like, "Danny had been growing up so fast that if he didn't stop growing soon, he'll be 3 feet taller than Kathy by Christmas." or something to that effect. Also, how old is "Danny" if his Grandfather still teaches, but he's old enough to have his own cellphone. I only bring this up because, the term of endearment "Mamaw" sounds very childish and if Danny is in his teens or older, I would expect he might not use those terms or, explain himself better to Kathy while she is on the line. Similarly, why 5 calls and no messages it would seem to me that if Danny had the time it takes to make 5 phone calls in the face of impending doom, then he would, young or old have the time to leave a message after perhaps not getting through after the first couple of calls.

With all that I mention, this is still a great scenario with true to life implications, I know of an instance of this taking place where I grew up. This story should resonate regardless of it's weaknesses. One thing I've noticed though in reading a bunch of your stories is the standard use of phrases like "She whipped(wiped) sweat from her forehead..." My suggestion would be to think of other ways to show panic in your characters like, biting of lips, fingernails, twisting hair, grinding teeth etc... The wiping of sweat from the forehead is so cliche and cartoonish at times, so watch out for that. Keep up the good work, you seem to have a hang of the ideas behind the stories, now is the time to hone the words in which you use to tell them.

[Cody Williams]

Thanks for the help and for reading Astro! Your help is much appreciated!

-CW

[Astro]

You're welcome CW, I do what I can...now if I could only concentrate on my own writing. :s

[Rosaria_V]

So great!! I love how the title pretty much works with this story!! nice job

[Cody Williams]

Thanks so much for the review!

-CW

[Douglas White]

The story and the concept behind it are very good, but there are a few details that should be addressed.

Using cell phones, you would not get an operator, only "Call Ended" on the screen. The only operators you would speak with on cell phones would be 411 -information- or 911 -emergency- (both in the US).

On a land line, the only time the operator would announce a disconnect is when the phone number is taken out of service by the phone company for a canceled account or nonpayment of a bill.

With that being said, you can always do a minor adjustment to the story and work with the idea of "Call Dropped". That would possibly be even more frightening because of the lack of information for the characters and the reader.

Just a thought.

[Cody Williams]

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

-CW

[Marie]

You're right "Disconnected" in a stronger title. It's a good,suspensful story, with a shattering ending. Some of your phrasing needs work. For instance, this paragraph:

( “Well, have you tried calling Rachel and Aaron?” He asked her. Rachel is their daughter and Aaron is their son in law. The family has been having trouble ever since Aaron lost his job at the factory. Ever since then they would have to loan Rachel and Aaron money on a regular basis.) would read better as:
("Well, have you tried callinig Rachel and Aaron?" he asked her. Rachel was their daughter and Aron her husband. The family had been having trouble ever since Aaeon lost his job at the factory. She and Matthew had been loaning them money on a regular basis.

[Cody Williams]

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

-CW

[Angel]

Oh, Cody...this one makes me weep!!

[Cody Williams]

Thanks for the review Angel!

-CW

[Travis Gibson (poetic h..]

Can't say I'm much of a story critic, but nice job, bro.

[Cody Williams]

Thanks for the review!

-CW

[Dayran]

A little drastic in the choice of actions to overcome a dependency ... and which side is the dependency on ... who is the message for? Could have been handled better with the usual separation and divorce.

The instrument of the macabre serves as well as the cop series that investigates a crime. Both are very popular in story telling. Gunshots come from cop movies ... don't you think? A fair attempt.

[Cody Williams]

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

-CW

[dw817]

⊰ℛℛ⊱
I must admit, Cody, your stories are easy and interesting to read. Going to call out a few things since I know you plan to publish these.

"She glanced down at the screen that read [DANEIL/DANIEL] and [immediently/immediately] pressed the TALK button answering the phone." (sp)

"Daniel? [Sweaty/sweety,] what’s wrong?" (sp)

"Kathy said as she put her right hand on her fore head [whipping/wiping] off," (sp)

"Mathew reached up and whipped (seat/sweat) off of his face." (sp)

"Kathy Little gave Mathew, her husband of [twenty/20] years,"
"Daniel was [sixteen/16] years old and was about three feet taller than,"
(use digits for any number greater than ten in formal writing)

"They let go of each other and Mathew [walks/walked] past the entryway" (avoid present tense)

This is a fairly common error, Cody. The easiest way I have learned to write this correctly is ensure all verbs are past tense, especially if it is the narrator. "Janie [walks/walked] to the store." and by all means don't use, "Janie [is walking/walked] to the store."

The narrator is the speaker that tells the story. The story to him (her ?) is already known so all elements are past-tense. The speaker is a storyteller, not someone who is telling the story as it is happening right then and there, please consider.

"Daniel’s voice said [prior to/before] the line [going/went] dead." (convoluted)

"The operator said [prior to/before] Kate forcefully [pressing/[pressed] the end button." (convoluted)

"Mathew asked picking himself [back off/off] of the floor and dusting himself [off]." (repetition)

[Cody Williams]

Thanks for taking the time to read it DW!

-CW

[dw817]

Absolutely. Interesting story, just a few curious errors. Makes me wonder if you are using a system to speak into and it records the words you type. Some of the misspellings are words that sounds the same but spelled differently.

[Cody Williams]

No, I don't. Spell check just sucks.

[dw817]

Well spell-check won't catch the errors I find, I have to go thru it all manually. Anyways, hope the suggestions help !

[Cody Williams]

They did! Thanks a lot!

[Ohhhwillow]

First off, may I say that you have the name of a writer. As soon as I saw that I was like wow, author material already. I think you honestly have something great here. The flow is fantastic, with a very connected balance between speech and narration, something many aspiring novelists fail to mediate between rhythmically. For sure you have some great imagery in there, all I would say is try and set the scene a little more perhaps, the reader can never recieve enough visual aid when it comes to vivid, colourful, detailed descriptions; whether it be of a dress, a horizon, or a painful shriek! Great work Cody, keep it up. :)

[Cody Williams]

Thanks for the review! It means a lot!

-CW

[Sami Khalil]

Wow. I like the title for it is more intriguing like this wonderful story of suspense and interigue. Again , you have done a wonderful job. A story-teller indeed...
“Danny, you are not making any since( sense )! Where do I have to go? Danny what’s wrong?” Kathy said as bullets of sweat began pouring down her face. Kathy began raising her voice as she was gripping in her armchair waiting for a response.

[Cody Williams]

Thanks for the review Sami!

-CW

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)

[Riding the Rainbow]

really good plot...well done

[Cody Williams]

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

-CW