Your Loving Memory

a poem i wrote for a friend that committed suicide just before school started this year R.I.P. Mak

We should have all seen it coming
You made yourself heard
Loud and clear
Why then did we all ignore it?
Did we not want to believe it?
Did we hide so far in denial we believed you fine?
You tried so much, so hard to hold on
In the end you had to let go
Shock came first, then denial
Unreality was our world now
It just didn't feel like you had left us
We all wondered why
Wondered what kind of pain you were feeling
The last summer weekend was lost in painful shock
The first of school brought about morbid smiles
Happy to see our friends again, distraught at not seeing you
All day we caught ourselves expecting you
The final bell signaled only more sorrow
Still in denial, we went to your funeral
Acceptance began to fall over us
Coming out little, by large, in all ways
The service was relatively quick
Tears falling in different flows
Then the end came
There was a chance to leave out the back
Some did
Some did not, we did not
We started the slow walk toward you
Expecting the acceptance to fall complete in a crashing blow
That never happened
We reached your physical self
It did not seem like you at all
Rather, a ghost
Caught between you and who you were wanted to be
Still it wasn't true
We filed out, leaving your shell behind
Outside was more grief
We gathered together, holding each other
Finally crying as one, though the denial stayed
As we all left, still there was unreality
Days and weeks following we still expected to see you
Though we know you are free now
Free from all the pain we'd caused by being blind
Now you're free to stomp among the thunderheads
Allowing us to rejoice as we hear your calls
You'd want us happy, want us to care for each other
Closer we grew, in your loving memory
It's the least we can do for being so blind
How could we not see?
Or did we see and not believe?
You died before our very eyes
Not until you left, until you were gone, did we cry
We can move on, live as you would have wished
Time may be cruel, but it only speaks honest
So in your loving memory we live
We never forget, and we've learned from our mistake
We watch with careful eyes
Listen with open hearts
And care with all our being
For your last request
For you, our friend, brother, and lover
All in your loving memory