The Depression Diary

A poem about a diary that saved my life...

A green cover stares back at me,

A forest of trees and misery.

Here we are again 

Dearest Diary.

Your words written in black and blue ink 

Haunt me,

Seeping through the cover 

Posses my mind;

Remind me,

Suicidal thoughts from the past.

Remind me,

The scars brought me to write you.

Remind me,

Death.

You hold inside yourself

A list of names 

Haunting my childhood,

Memories 

Of why I created you.

Secrets only I can know

Locked without a lock,

But with a promise of sanity

To all who see my face.

You understand me.

Your white pages

Hold love and patience

Found no where else;

No judgment.

In a way,

You were my savior

And eternal enemy.

Tell me,

Was I crazy?

Are your pages cursed

By me?

By fear?

By depression?

By thoughts of existing to die?

I remember

I named you

Scipio.

Scipio...

You held my dreams.

If this little girl can no longer find comfort in you,

The world is doomed to hell.

In between the lines

Lay promises of a better future,

Promises to my heroes,

Promises to the world.

I dreamed you would become an anthem

To every child without love,

To every child like me.

Secretly,

You are my strength;

You show me what I can fall into,

How effortless it is to fall victim

To giving up

On life.

You brought out the best in me

By making me the worst.

What human could do that?

The day I first wrote,

My life changed forever.

I'm no longer afraid of life's endeavors,

Of Strangeness,

Insanity,

Standing up for myself

And all that I am.

Never again:

Will I have to write in you,

Will I have to recreate you,

Will I have to destroy you.

And as the last page states:

"Dear Scipio,

 I'll never grow up or be happy with myself. I'm forever a child due to the lack of a childhood...I'm selfish for never pushing myself and drowning myself in the woe and tears of the past...I'm going to stand up for myself at my lowest level of self confidence; I will wave my banner to the world while it tries to find itself; I'll remember and remove myself, not forgive and forget; I'll find the people worth getting hurt for;...and I'll regain my red color and black spots, and fly over my rainbow to join the creatures of Underland..." 

While some is forgotten,

The words forever beat in my heart,

For every person I meet

And every soul I touch,

Could have another like you

Stashed away in their drawer. 

Sincerely,

The Dead Ladybug

Author's Note

This poem is about a diary I have that I wrote in during my darkest hours(about 6-7 months) of depression when I was 12...I still have the diary stashed away in my desk drawer, and their isn't a day when I don't think about what could've happened to me if I hadn't discovered the things I discovered about myself through that diary...I urge everyone to keep a diary or journal...mine saved my life and made me who I am today.

Reviews

[LeaflessTree]

But why the dead ladybug?

[LeaflessTree]

This is amazing. I love it. I'm so glad i found it. I typed in depression and this is what took me here. I'll never look at poetry the same way ever again. Thank you.