We had a good run...

Finally cut the last proverbial umbilical cord that is still being on your fathers cell phone plan at the age of 32 with the following farewell letter.

It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you we have reached the end of an era.

Sit down.

I am no longer on your cellular plan.

I know this news probably comes as a shock and surprise, and you are likely feeling a deep sense of bewilderment and loss right about now. I want you to know this is completely understandable and natural. You are not alone. Millions of fathers all over the world have had to deal with the confusion and disorientation that comes along with their children leaving their cellular plan.

There are many side affects associated with the ending of your child's dependency on your cellular codependency, but the most commonly reported side effect is a sense of emptiness without the constant anticipation and thrill of the next "overage" text as the end of your billing cycle nears.

Dad, I know you'll get through this. You are strong. When the separation anxiety of this new reality jolts you awake in the night, just remember that the sweet mobile plan we all once shared has passed through those pearly white cellular towers in the sky, and is in a far, far better place. It lives on in our memories, and perhaps in your email archives where you've lovingly crafted so many desperate and frantic pleas for us to JUST. USE. WIFI.

You can revisit those memories any time you feel alone.

I love you dad, and I'm here for you if you need to process this. And though our iPhone relationship may have changed, you will always be my dad.

In this world, nothing is certain, except death, taxes, and your father sending you an angry text about going over your data limit. I will certainly miss these exchanges, but they will live on in my heart forever.

Love always,

Your daughter.

P.S.
One more thing:

In memory of our time shared on a wireless network together, I've lovingly created a photo album of the many absurdly disproportionate pie charts that you have sent me over the years, beautiful full-color graphic representations of the worst data overage offender and target of your disdain month by month, year by year. I hope you will cherish it and page through the images fondly.

Sent from my iPhone

Author's Note

I welcome any reviews or feedback! :)

Reviews

[wordman]

sounds like a great dear john letter

[SGCool]

Delightfully tongue-in-cheek and dry (my favorite kind of humor). I love how well this satirizes having a serious, "we need to talk" kind of discussion but with a totally mundane subject matter. The absurdity of that dissonance becomes more and more fun as the piece goes on, feeding into itself to ramp up the ridiculousness until the very end, which conjures images of a father thinking wistfully about the bygone days when he had to yell at his daughter not to go over the data plan limit.

[Coccinellidae]

Thank you so much for the feedback! It's funny how the things that irritate us can become the things we miss :)

[Davidgeo]

Sent from my iPhone /:

[Coccinellidae]

Haha yes, that was intentional :)