Last song

As I lay here listening to music I close my eyes and try to lose myself. I try to escape out of my mind, but it doesn't work. Theses lyrics are hitting a nerve, I want to change the song but what he's singing about has me hypnotized. So I listen on even though it's telling me everything is not ok, but I'm prepaid to ride this emotional rollercoaster, even if fly's off the tracks and crashes and I go out covered in flames screaming to the heavens. So let's ride this out and let's listen to these words, which cut deeper then any blade that has penatrated me before. So I exit my apartment and stand on the balcony looking listening hating daring accepting as I step up on the railing the song says to move on, but move on to what more despair more false promises, more lies, empty dreams. No I cant love no more or move on. so I step up on the railing close my eyes for a second and look at the city ready to accept what I have know all along time to listen to to the music. I turn around and look at the wall and I whisper goodbye. I spread my arms and let go. I'm falling to my death with my favorite song playing and I close my eyes and I see everything my family my kids my friends but the last person I see is your beautiful face as mine smashes into the pavement.

Reviews

[Mr.Write]

So, the narrator "faced the music", huh? Good prose, would make a great premise for some supernatural drama... If you considering turning it into a book.

[JPDonelan]

Interesting, with the core depression being displayed decently throughout. However, while the upper tier pieces are functional, the foundation requires work.

There is one fairly egregious point I feel I need to make and that is on the subject of paragraphing. I've taken a look at a few of your stories (including this one) and they all suffer from being a block of text. The proper formatting of a story facilitates both its reading and the information being relayed. Paragraphs, in stories at least, don't need to be so many sentences at minimum, or so many words. For example, I believe you can make the first three sentences one paragraph.

In the third sentence, "theses" is not the word you are looking for (it is the multiple form of "thesis"). "These" is what you want to such. Alternatively, "the" would also work in this spot.

You should also look into proper comma use (the rules for commas are many).

In certain regards, I must agree with Carol below. Some crucial words, ones required to make the sentence work, are missing while in other cases there are words that are unneeded that are there.
An example of this second is your second sentence "I try to escape out of my mind, but it doesn't work." The phrase "escape out of my mind" could be shortened to "escape my mind" without losing any of the impact and moving the reader along. Additionally, there are few "directions" one can really escape their mind. Retreating inwards doesn't quite lead to escape in my experience.

I will, again, resound what Carol said and concur with the over use of the opening use of "so." Such a thing can be used for effect, a ramping of sorts (I've done similarly myself in "Sin of Godrey", though with the phrase "a man"), but there needs to be

The word "penatrated" (fifth sentence) is misspelled. Actual spelling is: penetrated. Never be afraid to consult a dictionary. (There are plenty of good ones online, I always have a tab open myself because my memory is terrible sometimes.)

What I can suggest you do, assuming you have an appropriate desire to refine your ability to write, is to look into grammar rules and read up on the art. Getting an understanding of those aspects will help improve your writing. Reading novels/published short stories can also help. Last suggesting, to be taken with the other two, would be to not stop writing; one cannot improve without practice.

[Carol Cashes]

No jumping. NO JUMPING!!! AAAHH!

This is one of those pieces I call a "slice of life" although in this case...

I loved that it's compact and complete. Only a few things:

"...even if fly's off " even if it flies off?
"... as I step up on the railing the song says to move..." a comma between "railing" and "the" ?
"...move on to what more despair" move on to what? More despair...
"... No I cant love " can't?
"...what I have know all along " known?

A lot of sentences start with "So", some of these can be eliminated completely.

Again, I really liked that you used a song as the catalyst, or last camel's straw, for the final leap. For many, it's a photograph, an unexpected encounter, etc. Your writing is intense and grammar is important in non-poetic writing to encourage flow and not distraction.

This is the first piece I've read and now I'm moving on.....