Welcome To Pikeville

A Story by Cookie

Two stupid cousins meet their fate in Pikeville, Ky

Let me tell you a story. Whether it’s true or not, I’ll leave up to you to decide. Either way the names are changed, frankly because it just sounds cool to say that but as for myself, I figure if you don’t want your name out there, don’t do stupid stuff. Agreed?

Ok, well it all started one day in June in the “Love your brother” trailer park in good ol’ Pikeville, Kentucky. I don’t even want to know who came up with the name. Don’t even ask. Let me continue. It was hot. Unbearably hot. One of those days, if you had a pan of cake batter, you’d have a cake hot.. You know, hotter than your sister in the pool hot. If you're from Kentucky that is, and they were. Moving on.

On this really hot day, Junior and his cousin Willie had been working in their garage and realized they had run out of cigarettes and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Somebody was going to have to go to the carryout. Who would it be? They decided to flip a coin to see. They took out the only coin they had and Willie flipped it. Then they watched it fall to the floor and through a grate in the concrete. Did I mention these two were a few fries short of a happy meal if you know what I mean.

Their next big idea involved racing two chickens out in the backyard to see which one would be first back to the coup before the dog got ahold of it. Thank goodness Juniors sister, Shelly came out and made them both go to the carryout. It’s hard to tell what would have happened if she hadn’t. Junior’s sister could be a terror and both of them were scared of her. With good reason I might add. Junior swore he only had one testicle remaining after he mistakenly left a bottle of hair remover in the shower where the shampoo should have been. Unfortunately, Shelly was the poor soul who discovered the mistake. Not a good day.

Overall, Shelly wasn’t bad looking for a trailer park chick. Blonde, skinny in all the right places. If she would have just given up Copenhagen, she could have done well for herself. She was just like all the other girls on the holler though. She had 3 kids and no idea who they belonged to. She said she figured it was better that way. The kids wouldn’t be as disappointed as they would be if they realized their dad was from the holler. The thing is, she’s related to everyone on the holler. Honestly, I don’t know what to say about that.

Moving on. Junior and Willie took off walking to the carryout. They walked for a couple miles along Rt 23 to get there. Did I mention it was hot? Junior and Willie had made a plan on how they were getting back home as they walked along the highway. They figured, once they got what they needed, they could “borrow” a jon boat and could just float on the river back to the trailer park. Sounds reasonable. Right? Not for these two. They went in the carryout loaded up on cigarettes, Pabst Blue Ribbon, tampons and the new issue of the equipment trader. They chatted with the clerk like always and went out the front door.

Now was the time these two geniuses would put their plan into action. The packed everything the had over the bank and down to the river side. They figured they would chill in the shade for a while and drink beer. It’s hot. Why not? Sounds reasonable. Well these two jack asses drank two cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon while they sat there. They had to go back to the carryout to get more. In the meantime, Willie had decided it was just too hot for pants and his idiot cousin Junior, just so happened to agree. So now you’ve got dumb and dumber wandering around the carryout parking lot without pants. Needless to say, somebody called the Pike County Sheriff who promptly showed up. Willie saw the Sheriff before the Sheriff saw them. Even in their inebriated state, they had the sense to run back over the bank and hide.

One stumbled over the other like a bad imitation of the keystone cops, they made it back to the river side and still thought it would be a good idea to take a Jon boat and escape down the river. What these two knuckleheads hadn’t thought of, is between the carryout and the trailer park, the Corps of Engineers had built a lock and dam. It was to accommodate coal barge traffic. Do you see where this is going? You’ve got two drunken idiots in a tiny Jon boat in the middle of the river, in the way of coal barge traffic and headed for a very steep spillway.

Needless to say, no one has seen either of them since. Some people think they managed to pull the boat ashore and took the opportunity to head to Grayson County. They had big dreams of opening a chicken fighting parlor and living the high life. Myself, I’m pretty sure they were too drunk to even realize what they had gotten themselves into and probably really enjoyed the drop at the end of the ride. They both really liked roller coasters. Either way, Junior had a decent life insurance policy which paid out big to Shelly. She bought a double wide and moved to Kermit in West Virginia. They had better internet service in Kermit and now she could make her dream of becoming a star on OnlyFans come true.

I guess you could say some of them lived happily ever after? If you’ve ever lived around either of these places, you’ll understand this is everyday life. Nothing will surprise you. That’s my story, believe it or not. It’s on you.

The End

© 2025 Cookie

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Featured Review

Samuel Dickens

Pretty silly stuff, but I like it. Being from rural Arkansas, those two characters weren't foreign to me in the least. "Hot as your sister in the pool"--that one made me smile. And PBR, that was my beer until I turned 17, then switched to Schlitz... or was it Pearl?