Bob and Sue - A Hansel and Gretal Parody

Bob and Sue find a house to rob in the forest. They didn’t realize what a mistake they were making.

A Hansel and Gretal Parody

Once upon a time, there were two mischievous siblings named Bob and Sue. They were known across the land for their knack as thieves and would steal from anybody. Even their grandmother. They were clever and quick, always escaping without a trace, and they prided themselves on never getting caught.

One day, while wandering on the edge of a dark forest looking for a place to burglarize they caught a whiff of the most delicious smell, freshly baked gingerbread cookies. Following the scent, they discovered an odd little house nestled among the trees. To their amazement, the walls were made of gingerbread, the windows of sugar panes, and the roof of sweet candies. It was the strangest thing they’d ever seen.

Bob smirked and nudged his sister. “A place like this must belong to somebody with money. Who else could afford to build a house like this. This will be the easiest place we’ve ever hit.” he whispered. “Let’s take a look inside. Maybe we’ll find some jewelry or something good we can trade to the dope man.” The dope man would take just about anything on trade as long as he could make a profit.

They slowly and quietly approached the little house. Sue couldn’t contain herself, her mouth already watering as she pulled off a piece of the sugar window and took a bite. It was as delicious as it looked. Together, they crept up to the door and gently pushed it open, slipping into the cozy, dimly lit interior. They carefully looked around as the entered the room looking anything of value.

The house was as enchanting on the inside as it was on the outside. Shelves were filled with jars of exotic herbs, colorful potions, and strange glimmering objects that they couldn’t quite place. At the center of the room sat a large table laden with treats - gingerbread men, candy and cake.

Before they could explore further, a soft voice broke the silence. “Ah, I see I have visitors!” The siblings turned to see an old woman standing in the doorway. She was small and hunched, her hair a twisted mess of gray, and her eyes sparkled in a way that made Bob and Sue think she wasn't a threat and would be an easy mark. “Hungry, are we?” The old lady asked sweetly. “No need to sneak about, I have plenty to share.” But in the back of her mind the old lady thought, “I bet they're here to steal my stash . I should just off them now and be done with it but I have family coming in and groceries are so expensive. They look like they’d roast nicely.”

Bob and Sue exchanged glances, quickly hiding their surprise. Sue was the best con around. She quickly spoke. ”We’re lost. We broke down just up the road. Do you have a phone that we could use?” Sue said. “Do you have a restroom I could use?” Said Bob. He knew that’s where she might keep her pain meds and figured he could see what he could grab along the way. Bob and Sue weren’t used to getting caught but they had rehearsed this strategy if it ever happened. They let the old woman serve them cakes and candies as they planned their next move. They had no clue they had broken into the most dangerous house in the forest.

After eating their fill, the siblings decided it was time to act. They thanked the old woman and they rose to leave, Bob discreetly slipped a small sack of her glittering potions into his pocket, while Sue grabbed a handful of her strange, shiny trinkets. They hadn’t managed to find much but they hope what they had was valuable.

Just as they turned toward the door, however, they heard a low chuckle behind them. “Oh, my dears,” the old woman said, her voice now thick with a dark amusement, “Did you really think I hadn’t noticed? I’m not some stupid little grandmother. I knew you were up to something as soon as I saw you. You see, you messed up coming here. You have no idea who I am.” It turns out the little old lady was a witch. Not just any witch though. This one also controlled all of the cartel’s distribution for three states.

Before they could react, the room darkened, and the kindly expression faded from the old woman’s face. In its place was something wicked, something ancient. Her eyes burned with a strange, otherworldly light, and her crooked fingers twisted into claws. She raised her arms and hissed, “You thought you could steal from me, eh? Didn’t anyone warn you never to steal from an old lady?”

The siblings backed away, but the door slammed shut with a wave of her hand. A cold fear settled in their stomachs as they realized they were trapped and had really screwed up this time. “You like sweets so much,” the old lady continued, licking her lips. “Well, how about I make a treat out of you? You’ll make a lovely roast for my sister coming in to visit.”

With a flick of her wrist, she bound Bob and Sue in thick, thorny vines that wrapped around their arms and legs, making it impossible to move. They struggled and kicked, but the old lady only laughed, dragging them into the kitchen where a huge, blackened oven waited, crackling with heat.

“I’ll fatten you up with the finest sweets,” she said, a glint of hunger in her eyes, “and then you’ll make a lovely roast.” ”You better let us go!” Sue shouted, “We addicts and we’ll be sick soon and no good for anything!”. The old lady didn’t care. They had brought all of this on themselves.

Days passed as the witch tried to fatten Bob and Sue up with her most decadent treats. But the siblings couldn’t eat and Sue who only weighed 86 lbs anyway couldn’t be fattened up to save her life. Bob wasn’t gaining weight either. Both of them were terribly sick. Eating anything substantial just wasn’t going to happen. They pleaded and begged for anything to make them feel better but the witch enjoyed watching their suffering.

One day, after many failed attempts, the old lady grew impatient. “You’re taking too long to fatten up,” she growled. “It’s time to put an end to this!” “I told you this would happen.” Sue snapped at the old lady with an arrogant tone. “I can still make you into tonight’s dinner.” The old lady snaps back. “My sisters coming in to visit and she loves a good roast.”

She ordered Sue to check the oven to see if it was hot enough. But Sue, ever the quick thinker, feigned confusion. “I’m not sure how,” She said, her voice as sweet as she could make it. “Could you show me? I’m not very smart. I have trouble figuring things out.”

The old lady sighed in exasperation, “That’s bullshit and you know it”, She snapped at Sue. As the old lady, already angry and frustrated, leaned forward to open the oven and to check the heat. She slipped on the wet floor. Just then Bob broke free of his vines. Together Bob and Sue shoved the old lady into the oven and slammed the door shut. “Stupid b*tch!” Bob yelled. “That’ll teach her not to kidnap people! Hey now we can see what’s here. We can take anything we want!” Sue yells with excitement.

The room was filled with the old ladies shrieks and hisses as flames leapt around her, and then, silence. When they were sure the old lady was dead, Bob and Sue searched through her house. They took anything they could find of value. They found a brick of pure china white the old lady had taken from her hidden stash. Bob and Sue were so excited they didn’t even realize there was another 230 kilos behind a false wall in the bathroom.

With bags full of jewelry, money and the most dope they’d ever seen in one place, the siblings made their way out of the gingerbread house, leaving the eerie forest behind. They returned home richer than ever, with a lesson they would never forget:

Even the craftiest thieves must be careful, for some treasures are guarded by powers darker than they can imagine and occasionally unsuspecting old ladies have a killer stash no one would expect to find. From that day on, Bob went straight. He had enough money that he didn’t need to steal anymore. Sue, on the other hand, is serving 3 to 5 for breaking and entering. She was just greedy and had decided she would hit every little old lady in the forest. She figured they would be the easiest and most lucrative marks. That was not the case. Now Sue shares a cell with Big Betty. I hear they’re very happy. Big Betty anyway.

THE END