Kim and the Big Bad Pimp

A Story by Cookie

An off color parody of Red Riding Hood. (Some bad language)

A parody of Red Riding Hood.

Once upon a time, there was a clever and enterprising young woman named Kim. Kim was known for her love of turning tricks and would happily sell sexual favors for money. Her grandmother, who lived on the other side of the forest, had taught her all about the family business, and how to disguise her work as a simple cookie shop. Kim took great pride in her tasty creations. She wasn’t just a ho, she was a talented baker as well. Her slogan was “We sell cookies with a happy ending!”

One day, Kim’s mother packed up a basket of freshly baked cookies and said, “Kim, why don’t you take these to your grandmother? She’ll be delighted, she hasn’t been able to do any baking and hasn’t been able to turn any tricks lately. It'll be a good chance to sell a few cookies along the way and maybe turn a couple tricks yourself.”

Kim’s eyes lit up with excitement. “I can set up shop in the forest and I’ll be able to make some money!” she exclaimed, already picturing all the things she could buy and all the travelers she could turn into clients and sell ‘cookies’ along the way.

As she walked through the forest, Kim found a spot by a tall tree near the crossroads. She laid out a cloth, placed her cookie basket on top, and set up a little sign she’d brought along that read: “Kim’s Cookie’s " wink, wink.”

The forest was quiet, and not many people passed by, so Kim started calling out, “Fresh cookies! Happy ending!” But there were no customers… until, eventually, a shadowy figure approached.

It was a large, gray wolf wearing a purple fur brimmed pimp hat. He slinked toward her, sniffing the air as he got closer. “Hello, little girl,” he said, showing his sharp teeth in what he thought was a charming grin. “What are you doing out here in the forest all alone?”

Kim smiled brightly and held out a cookie. “Selling cookies, of course! Freshly baked, with a happy ending if you're interested.”

The wolf licked his lips, not so much interested in the cookies as in Kim herself. “Well you see this is my forest. If you're selling cookies or turning tricks you’re on my turf!” The wolf said as he administered a dose of pimp justice to the side of her head. “Now you’re working for me!” The wolf said matter of factly.

“I’m going to my grandmother’s house,” Kim replied, “but I thought I’d make a few sales along the way.”

The wolf thought fast. “How interesting… perhaps I’ll follow you to your grandmothers and put her to work too,” he said, his eyes gleaming with the wicked idea. “But first, let me try the merchandise. You’ll give me a taste for free, won’t you?”

Kelly hesitated but decided to offer him one sample. “Alright, here’s a cookie. Just one! Oh, you meant a trick, well ok. But if you want more it’ll cost you,” she said firmly.

The wolf finished and took a cookie. He immediately made a face, surprised by how tasty it was. He gobbled up the whole thing and then glanced at the rest of the cookies in her basket. “Those are quite good,” he said, his eyes narrowing. “What would you say to giving me the whole basket? theyre much better than your happy ending.”

Kim scoffed. “I don’t think so! I’m awesome at my job! You’re an a*****e!”

The wolf grumbled, and came up the side of her face with his mighty pimp slap. “Watch that mouth! I’ll be back for my money!,” he said. But as he left, he slunk off the main path and took a shortcut to Kim’s grandmother’s house.

When he arrived, he slipped inside and scared poor Grandmother, who quickly said “You piece of s**t! What are you doing here? I’ve already told you I don’t need a pimp! My trick, my money!” The wolf pimp slapped grandma with the back of his hand and threw her in the closet. He dressed in her bonnet and shawl, snuggled into her bed, and waited for Kim, who he knew would run to grandmother’s and would try to keep her cookies and money. “She should just quit turning tricks,” he thought, “ that’s the worst I’ve ever had.”

A while later, Kim arrived at Grandmother’s cottage with her basket of cookies, and as soon as she stepped inside, she noticed something was… off.

“Why, Grandmother,” Kim said, squinting suspiciously, “what big eyes you have!”

“All the better to see those delicious cookies,” the wolf said, trying to look innocent.

“And Grandmother, what big ears you have!”

“All the better to hear your sales pitch, my dear.”

“And what big hands you have!” Kim added, finally realizing something was wrong.

The wolf jumped out of bed, growling, “All the better to pimp slap you with!” But before he could take another step, Kim held up her basket like a shield.

“Wait! You wouldn’t want to pimp slap me… you really like my cookies!” Kim said quickly, pulling out several cookies from her basket and waving them under his nose. “Take these”. She said

The wolf’s growl softened, and he sniffed the cookies. “They do smell good.” he mumbled.

“Of course they do! But they’re even better with a cup of tea,” she said, backing up toward the kitchen. “Why don’t we sit down, have some tea and cookies, and then we’ll talk.”

Intrigued, the wolf sat down at the table. Kim served him a plate of cookies and poured a steaming cup of tea. As the wolf munched and sipped, he grew drowsier and drowsier until, finally, he dozed off, his head resting on the table. Kim had put her grandmother’s sleeping pills in his tea and he fell asleep immediately.

Kim, seizing the moment, opened the closet door and freed her grandmother. Together, they tied the wolf up with a leather whip Kim kept in her basket for those guys that would pay a little extra. They left him snoring away, covered in cookie crumbs.

Soon, the woodcutter arrived, having heard the ruckus from outside. “For a couple cookies and a happy ending, I'll carry that sleepy wolf back into the deep woods, far from the village.” The wood cutter wouldn’t harm the wolf. It turns out, they did business quite frequently.

From that day on, Kim became famous as the clever young girl who outwitted the pimping wolf. She expanded her business, selling cookies and turning tricks to travelers all across the forest. Grandmother even joined in, baking extra batches and turning that thing out to keep up with demand.

And as for the wolf? He’s waiting for the right time, when Kim comes on his turf, to greet her with a mighty pimp slap and say “Where's my money?”

THE END